What made today different? I don't know. But instead of moving through the day with hope and peace... I just felt angry and hopeless. I hurt. I felt like saying "Screw you God! What are you waiting on?! I'm just going to gratify myself in whatever the hell I want because you obviously aren't going to do anything for me!"
After this tantrum passed, I resolved to not do all the crap my sinful nature wanted to do. I love my wife and I want to honor her. I love my God... the very one who I was blaming for not showing up. So, I diverted my evil and prayed.
Then I basically just fell into some self-pity and depression. I sent out a text asking for some prayer. God seemed so silent and distant.
My wife felt the same. She felt resolved to a belief that God had bad plans for her... And was taunting her with hopes and dreams... So he could defeat her. It made no logical sense, but the feelings were overwhelming.
So, I acknowledge her feelings. I empathized with her. But I affirmed my unconditional love for her. My commitment forever. I told her how I was incapable of that apart from a God who first loved her.
A little later, we then found ourselves pitted against one another. Both she and I so easily irritated. We couldn't even communicate. We both hated the way we were feeling and we came together with a repentant attitude and really listened to one another.
I cried out to God, "deliver me!" Don't you want to deliver me and use my story to give someone else hope that you will show up in their darkest hour? Don't you work good from bad?
God... What? What do you want me to do? God, I do not have what it takes in and of myself... I need you. I need your grace. I need you to strengthen me with faith. I need you to deliver me to joy. I need more of you!
Sincerely.
David
UPDATE: Not all that long after I wrote the above... Unexpectedly, a four year old prayer request was answered!
"Why today?" I wondered. It was such a rough and faithless day on my part. Then it dawned on me. God had this break through answer to prayer on the schedule. Satan wanted to thwart this amazing plan and was full on attacking us.
It wasn't pretty but we survived the attack and made it through to God's great blessing.
Next time I have a day similar... I need to acknowledge I'm under spiritual attack and not be so bewildered. I need to fight back, invoking the powerful name of Christ to protect me and to defeat the enemy. I need to have open eyes looking for the amazing thing God is about to do.
God is real. Satan is real. Spiritual warfare is real. Be prepared for battle.
David.
After this tantrum passed, I resolved to not do all the crap my sinful nature wanted to do. I love my wife and I want to honor her. I love my God... the very one who I was blaming for not showing up. So, I diverted my evil and prayed.
Then I basically just fell into some self-pity and depression. I sent out a text asking for some prayer. God seemed so silent and distant.
My wife felt the same. She felt resolved to a belief that God had bad plans for her... And was taunting her with hopes and dreams... So he could defeat her. It made no logical sense, but the feelings were overwhelming.
So, I acknowledge her feelings. I empathized with her. But I affirmed my unconditional love for her. My commitment forever. I told her how I was incapable of that apart from a God who first loved her.
A little later, we then found ourselves pitted against one another. Both she and I so easily irritated. We couldn't even communicate. We both hated the way we were feeling and we came together with a repentant attitude and really listened to one another.
I cried out to God, "deliver me!" Don't you want to deliver me and use my story to give someone else hope that you will show up in their darkest hour? Don't you work good from bad?
God... What? What do you want me to do? God, I do not have what it takes in and of myself... I need you. I need your grace. I need you to strengthen me with faith. I need you to deliver me to joy. I need more of you!
Sincerely.
David
UPDATE: Not all that long after I wrote the above... Unexpectedly, a four year old prayer request was answered!
"Why today?" I wondered. It was such a rough and faithless day on my part. Then it dawned on me. God had this break through answer to prayer on the schedule. Satan wanted to thwart this amazing plan and was full on attacking us.
It wasn't pretty but we survived the attack and made it through to God's great blessing.
Next time I have a day similar... I need to acknowledge I'm under spiritual attack and not be so bewildered. I need to fight back, invoking the powerful name of Christ to protect me and to defeat the enemy. I need to have open eyes looking for the amazing thing God is about to do.
God is real. Satan is real. Spiritual warfare is real. Be prepared for battle.
David.
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