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The tallest snow man.

This great snow we had reminded me of a snow storm of years gone by. The year was 1997 or so... I believe I was a freshman or sophomore in college. A freshly fallen snow had inspired me. "I shall make a snowman! Taller than any snowman that anyone has ever seen!" I wanted to inspired both shock and awe. (not to be confused with Pres. Bush's war strategy)... anyhow, I would succeed. I enlisted the help of a friend and my sister and we got to work. We quickly discovered the snow wasn't so good for snowmanogenesis. Too dry. Garden hose and bucket in hand, we pressed forward. Both muscles and brains flexed, ladders and tools to "erect" the worlds tallest snowman. Once completed, we stood back and admired our handiwork. A job well done. We took pictures, posed and embraced. Later that night my family and I returned home. Message light blinking. My dad pressed play... a disguised voice comes on the answering machine. A very Hank-Hill-esque voice sa

I blame my dementia.

Evidentally, when you have dementia, no matter how mild... you can do just about anything and blame the dementia. People will forgive. I had a patient who supposedly had dementia but she did know she was in a hospital and could recall her bowel movements from earlier in the day. She was standing in the hallway waiting to be discharged. She pulled her pants down and took a big beefy dump right in the middle of the hall! Okay, this is wrong for several reasons. 1. she can walk. 2. if you're demented enough to not seek a toilet, you're too demented to have the presence of mind to pull your pants down. My theory, she's just a grouchy cantankerous old woman who lives to give people hell... and poop. dngilb md.

A work day to remember.

As you know, life has been heavy. The lives of my patients are heavy as well. I found this to be burdensome to my mind and spirit... and thus my body as well. I had dreams of being a radiologist. Radiology use medical knowledge, but the patients are just images... just a puzzle to solve. I don't have to look the suffering in the face day in day out. As a hospitalist, I wondered, "just how long can I do this?" Today, I had my favorite patient ever. He was an amazing blessing to me! To me, it was a divine appointment. At first he was impressive to me because at the age of 69 he took on the cause to lose weight. he started walking 2.5 miles a day, lifting weights, and started writing down every single item he ate. "turns out I ate way too much" he said. He lost 50 pounds! He looked so vital. Next, is what really impressed me... he started talking about Jesus. Not just the way I talk about Jesus... with even more love and passion than I can explain. As

Even Mother Teresa doubted.

Doubting is part of the normal spiritual growth. Evidenced by Mother Teresa's diary. "my smile is a great cloak that hides a multitude of pains... [people] think that my great faith, my hope and my love are overflowing, and that my intimacy with God and union with His will fills my heart. If only they knew." David

Mind over manner.

Yep... its true. The mind is more powerful than matter at times. But you can't control half of your nervous system. I controlled the voluntary nervous system just fine. No flinching, no yelling of profanities. Honestly, I've been stung by a yellow jacket and it hurt worse than the lidocaine injection. Dr. Zekauskas numbed me up well, and I felt nothing. But just knowing there were needles, scaples, probes and forceps digging around in the back of my neck was enough to cause the involuntary (autonomic) nervous system to play interesting tricks on me. I had to lay down as to not pass out. I can't help it... I've always been this way. Blood draws, allergy testing, finger pricks... all irrational. I can do those things to people no problem, but when its me, its a completely different ball game... and its out of my control. I'm one epidermal inclusion cyst lighter... but in 2 weeks I have to go back for him to dig out the remnants of the cyst lining so it won

Too Heavy! Why not ramble?

My blog has been too heavy lately. I do admit that LIFE has been too heavy lately. I don't have to bring the rest of the world down with me... yes, that's right the entire world reads my blog! I have AT LEAST 5 loyal readers. Readers who care about what is going on in my life. (hear the sarcasm) Hmm.... now that I type that out, it sounds kind of pathetic... I don't think most of my closest friends read my blog. They're just not blog reading people I suppose. Or maybe they read and just don't tell. Either way, I'd type this blog even if nobody read it. This is for my future children and children's children to know what was going through the brain of their dad and granddad. Man, I would love to discover some lost journal kept by my grandfather during World War II. That would be amazing. This evidentally is a rambling blog. Little purpose, but wanted to avoid talking about death and suffering for once. I tried shooting some footage for my "docu

A victory healing? no.

Does God heal people divinely? yes. Is it his will for every sick believer to be healed? I don't think so. A pastor at one of Tulsa's large churches who strongly advocates for believing in divine healing passed away recently. He was not healed, and it got me thinking more about God's plan in our lives. There are those who believe that it is God's will for every believer to be healed of disease. I don't see how you can believe in this line of thinking when there are scriptures that say such things as "In this world you will have trials, many and bitter" and the overwhelming theme is that in this life we are resident aliens and that our true home is in the eternal... God wants us to mature and to love him for more than for the good things that we get from him. How are we ever to advance to this level in our Christian walk if we are not faced with unanswered calls for relief from suffering, whether from disease or other? If God answers every cry for rel

Healing Waters

I was recently in Eureka Springs and on one of the one hundred year old bath houses was written in stone, "Over 90 percent of Eureka's cures". People 100 years ago and still today believe in curative powers of natural spring waters, dead sea waters, etc. I have ZERO scientific evidence to support any of these types of claims. None exists. When I was in high school I had plantar's warts on my feet. A seriously annoying problem. I had roughly 6-10 of them, mostly small. Some were big enough to cause pain and I had to walk on the outside edge of my feet. There are plenty of over the counter treatments, mainly types of acid preparations to melt them away. But they keep coming back, so you never really go back to normal. In extreme cases you go to a podiatrist and they cut them out. This is quite painful and you have a really difficult time walking for many days afterwards. I had treated them with over the counter acid for more than a year and never made any hea

Joy and Happiness

Happiness... easy to define. "A state of well-being or contentment based on life's circumstances being favorable to one's desires." Joy... as a Christian, I think we all know what it is, but to put it into words that clearly communicate its meaning is tougher to do, as it is a little tougher to experience. This is my attempt to define Joy: "A state of well-being, peace, and contentment that transcends life's circumstances as is attributed to one's sense that God is in control of life, that He is good and is working to bring good in all situations." To have an opportunity to examine whether you have Joy or not, you must be subjected to "long suffering". Temporary suffering, where one can see the light at the end of the tunnel just won't do... you need to be lead into a darkness so deep that in no direction is one able to see the light. It is from that place that God wants you to look to him to experience Joy. From there, you know any

Walking boldly into the darkness.

Yesterday, I experienced an unwanted thought... it was a mental image of me shooting myself. It was fleeting, and I do not want to shoot myself. I do want the heaviness, pain and craziness of life to stop though. I guess that was my subconscious screaming for help. I took a depression self-test. I didn't score very high, so it suggests I am not depressed. Though I continue to wonder at times if I should try an antidepressant. I wonder if it would help me emotionally deal with the constant pressure I am under, and the constant pain I suffer as a result of watching my sweet wife suffer from her medical condition. It isn't easy to watch the love of your life experience terrible pain on a near daily basis, especially when her subspecialist doctor isn't exactly sure what is causing it, yet. At times I wonder if it is in her head. But between the severity and her daily temperature spikes of 100-100.5 lead me to an easy conclusion of, "no". We just haven't fi

An honor.

I recently had the great honor of taking care of an elderly gentleman who was actually a survivor from a Nazi concentration camp in Germany. Not only that, he went on to excel in life. He was an accomplished opera singer and performed several times at the New York Metropolitan. He later suffered a very rare disease that left him paralyzed from the waste down. His family had a real twinkle in their eye as they described his zest for life and that his disability did not slow him down. One of his daughters described how, when she was a teenager, his perspective on life drove her crazy. To her, things were a "big deal"... but to him, every day was a blessing, having survived the Nazi camps. Later in life they learned to appreciate his unique perspective. The entire time that I took care of this gentleman, he was unable to speak as he was on his death bed. But just seeing that look on the faces of his daughters I could easily tell this was a truly remarkable man. He pass

I sense it...

Impending doom. I try to hold back profanity, but in my head... I have failed. It doesn't make sense to me... Well, I can twist it hard enough that I seems logical, though I have no experience of it... I've heard none others proclaim this either. So I doubt it probable. Yet here I am, bewildered, anxious, scared, and "waiting for it". dngilb ps. i know this was ambiguous...

Alzheimer's... And the demented families who torture them.

Dear future children, When I no longer am able to recognize you... Please direct my healthcare to focus on relief of suffering, and do not transfer me to the hospital when I get sick. If the nursing home doc can't fix me... It's my time to die. Yours truly, David. Non-medical people view Alzheimer's differently than most healthcare personel... Yet, I think most healthcare personel in the USA still treat the severly demented in the wrong way. A 2005 study showed that 71% of people with advanced dementia DO NOT survive past 6 months from the time they require a memory unit at a nursing home... Why then are they repeatedly admitted to the hospital where their dementia predisposes them to increased agitation often requiring sitters or restraints so they don't rip their bladder catheter out with the balloon inflated causing urethral trauma... Or high doses of anti-psychotic medications so they don't run down the hall and out the building to fall and break a hip... When

Birth control.

My sweet baby loving wife was wanting to get pregnant in about a year... We just took a 5 day vacation with her sister and our brother- in-law and our cute cute cute 19month old nephew Bo. We definitely had a great time, and definitely love Bo!!! He is so great, but a NONSTOP handful!!! Vanessa now says "three years!" I'm okay with that. Just a few more years of dates and a few trips overseas... I hope to have a few "less stressful" years of fun since the past year was the most difficult/ stressful year of my life. Then we will "get down to business". ;-) David

Travel Bug.

I was just thinking about where I've been this year. Our first trip was Austin. Our next trip was a short getaway to a secluded cabin in southeastern Oklahoma. We then headed to Dallas a month later. A month later we flew to Orange county California and spent 3 days, then drove out to palm springs in the desert. We then took it easy for several months before we took a road trip through Memphis on our way to Atlanta for a concert by one of mg favorite bands, "Elbow". Another few months went by and we flew out to West Virginia to visit a slew of relatives on Vanessa's side of the family, most of whom I've never met. Thats where i am right now actually... We have plans to go to Eureka Springs next month and are working on plans for San Diego in December. That makes for a total of eight vacations this year, not to mention around ten or so trips to OKC. It's actually getting to the poin that I wish we didn't buy a house. I think I'd r

Grandfather's funeral

Yesterday was my grandfather's funeral. I cried, but I felt less sadness and more love and admiration than anything. He was a special man, and he did some prett amazing things for his church, family, community and friends. Here are a few stories to explain. Story 1. When I arrived at Tulsa for residency, one of the OU internal medicine attendings asked me if L.N. Was my grandfather. After I said "yes"... He had focus and intensity in his eyes as he shared with me what a great man my grandfather is and how important he was to his family. My grandfather had created a job for this guy's dad during some tough times so that he could provide for his family... Then, when he saw great potential in this gentleman, he offered to pay tuition at SNU for undergrad and later a master's program. This gentleman's two sons grew up to do some pretty great things with opportunities they may not have had if my grandfather had not heeded the call of the holy spir

My grandfather's obituary.

Dr. Leon (L.N.) Nelson Gilbert, Jr., age 91, went to be with our Lord and Savior early Sunday morning, Oct. 11, 2009. Family and friends were by his side through the week until his passing. Leon is remembered as a wonderful, loving husband, father, and grandfather, a special friend, a caring and beloved family physician, and a visionary servant-leader in the Bethany community and the State of Oklahoma. He also served in various capacities as a member of Bethany First Church of the Nazarene. We grieve our great loss and rejoice in his eternal gain. Leon was born to Leon Nelson Gilbert, Sr. and Alice Level Gilbert in Elmer (near Altus) Oklahoma, on May 3, 1918. He later moved to Norman to complete high school and met Geraldine Ella Shobert, whom he married, December 23, 1938. After 65 years of marriage, Geraldine passed away on January 31, 2004. They lived in Norman while Leon completed his BA in sociology at OU. After moving to Tulsa, Leon worked with the WPA for two years, placing peop

The Conduit - A Love Letter.

Tonight, I listened to Sigur Ros as I took a walked thru the night's darkness... The cool crispness of fall's air upon my face, and the breeze running its fingers through my hair. The visions of trees swaying in the breeze, the very breath of God upon me. Though life has been difficult... painful... and God, has seemed so silent and distant, at times... Not tonight! Nothing else I've ever heard has been so emotive. The music of Sigur Ros IS a gift from God!!! And tonight, He delivered the gift straight to me. As I walked through the night, tears started rolling down my cheeks. I could see God everywhere I looked. I could feel Him... and I could feel his love pouring out on me. Over the past 4-5 years, the music of Sigur Ros has been a conduit to the heart of God. It pierces my heart. I can't help but cry. Tonight, life wasn't daily tasks... or pain... or feelings of longing. Tonight, life was an opening of the eyes to the spiritual journey to the city of eve

You still there, God?

When I proposed to my wife... it was easily the most spiritual moment in all of my life. God was there and blessed us as I took a step towards his chosen blessing in my life. His will, my amazing and beloved wife. I've never felt that much euphoria before or since. The other day, as life is heavier than its ever been... I've been in need of a more tangible God. As I drove around with no real destination in mind, I like to drive when I need to think... I found myself pulling up to the place where I had once felt the presence of God. When I sat down looking into the spot where I had given my life to God and to my wife, I felt God's presence again. Tears started rolling down my cheeks... and I spoke to God. He comforted me, and reassured me that he is with me. dngilb. ps. This is an update written months later... when I wrote the above, I kept it "safe" I didn't want to share to openly about how much I was hurting or what I was feeling, I was too afraid of

Dr. Gilbert can cure your hiccups!

The pathogenesis of hiccups isn't well understood. The treatments of hiccups with medicine in my opinion has proven to be very disappointing and cause many side effects. I however, have a little home remedy that has worked for me over the years. The success rate on myself is 100%... Vanessa tried it last night with great success as well. Here's how it goes: 1. exhale completely. 2. take a tiny sip of water and swallow. 3. repeat number two till you feel like you're about to die. 4. now you're cured of hiccups. Trust me... I'm a doctor. dngilb

Your life is not all about you.

"Your life is not all about you" was a status update that I wrote on Facebook. It was perhaps the most profound status update i've ever posted and I got zero comments and only one "like" by Emil, lead singer and the song writer behind one of the most majestic bands this region of the country has seen the likes of. Below are my thoughts regarding what underwhelming response I had to my "most profound" status update: First off, thank you Emil. I know you to be a poetic soul. I know not of your spiritual or political world views but that little digital image of a "thumbs up" speaks volumes. Second... I wonder why so little attention? Maybe people didn't understand what it means. Maybe they don't believe it to be true. Maybe they do get it, believe it to be true, but choose to ignore it and live for themselves. Third. "Your life is not all about you" is actually quite tame... its actually been watered down, because it leaves r

Waking up thinking of death.

People have a very unhealthy notion that life support and artificial nutrition is natural. Evidentally strokes don't kill people!... It's evil families who don't trach and PEGs that kill. America's concept of life and death is not keeping up with the advancements of medical technology, and at some point its going to lead to a crisis point... the so called "death panels". We have the ability now to eek out an extra few weeks or an extra few months past many individuals "expiration dates". 50 years ago, when someone had a massive heart attack, stroke, or metastatic pancreatic cancer the answer was. "I'm sorry there's nothing more we can do." The patient then died, and the family grieved the death of their loved one as natural causes took their family member away. Fast forward to now... Mom and dad have an identical heart attack or stroke... doctors say, "well, we could let nature takes its course or put a couple of tubes down h

Threatened and Insulted.

So today, I experienced the parts of being a doctor that suck. Cranky, stressed, scared family members retaliating on me for no good reason. Actually, today was Act II in this play. The first act occurred 3 days earlier. That confrontation in which I was insulted for no good reason led to a first. It was the first time that I made a decision for my patient that I didn't believe was the best thing for my patient. The patients wife's brother died the day before and she was too stressed out to think about her husband coming out of the hospital and going back to the nursing home. Usually, this is a pretty automated process from the stand point of the family member. They don't even need to be in the same state and it happens with diligence and care. But I gave in to their anger and aggression and agreed to holding the patient till the day after the funeral. The patient remained completely stable during the entire time and showed no signs of developing any nosocomial in

Thank you for destroying me.

What is the greatest thing in the universe? God. What is the most wonderful thing God could do for us? Help us get closer to Him. How does he do this? By allowing life to destroy us. Thus, helping us to move deeper into his love. Thank you for allowing my destruction. dngilb

Follow-Up to yesterday.

For several months, most of my days are tainted by a heavy feeling in my chest... as though there were a weight on top of me, making each breath a laborious event. Yesterday, after doing better at putting God first and REALLY trusting my life and Vanessa's life to him... come good or bad... That heavy feeling lifted. I went through my day with a dramatic reduction in anger, envy, bitterness, and sadness... Vanessa still had significant pain and we were tethered to the couch most of the day, but I wasn't stressed like I had been. Thank you God. I know its going to be a daily effort, possibly struggle, to attain the same degree of "letting go" and trusting God. And "trusting God" doesn't mean that I just sit back and stop any effort to try and help Vanessa get better, but I have the realization that I cannot, apart from God, help her get better. So, I do what I can... and the worry is just out of it a bit, because I realize this will go on until God

Thank you for the pain.

First off, thank you Tyler for being obedient to the Holy Spirit's call to minister to me. Thank you to the Holy Spirit for working good when my wife to had a sudden onset of terrible pain... yes that's right, I thanked God in my wife's pain today. I was playing tennis with Tyler, and my wife called with some of the worst abdominal pain she's experienced in weeks and its suddenness scared her. She was crying, and it was evident my tennis date needs to be cut short. I head home to comfort her... Later, Tyler texts me asking me if he could pick me up dinner. Long story short, Tyler comes over and we have conversations about God and life that wouldn't have happened if not for my wife's sudden pain ending our tennis game. Conversation that was much needed, and the Holy Spirit ministered to me during the conversations. "So, what did God say to you?" you ask. The Holy Spirit reminded me of when He confronted me in ophthalmology clinic during med scho

Isaiah

No, I'm not talking about Isaiah the barista at Double Shot... I am talking about Isaiah chapter 43. An old friend from college whom I haven't seen in at least 8 years read my previous blog and sent me an encouraging email and referenced a scripture in Isaiah 43. Truth is I had been hurting. Life has been painful. I felt hopeless and lost with my wife suffering a medical condition that her docs (and I) haven't quite pinned down. (granted they have gotten her past several serious conditions, but the layers to her health issues have been many.) Anyways... I was thinking... I thought back to a friend... Okay, it is partially about Isaiah the barista. He had told me how he would get home from work and spend 4 hours in prayer and scripture and go to bed... he got more of God, and God delivered him to where he needed to be. I thought about my friend Tyler... how he's say, "I want more Him [Jesus]" I realized I had been praying during my trial, but I hadn't

Facebook envy... and the real life cover-up.

Facebook. do people really put their whole life on there? I know I don't. I avoid sharing the pain and suffering that I go through... that my wife goes through. I use it to record out happy times. People see my photos of vacations, us smiling, doing fun things... they don't see 3 hours later when my wife is hurting or vomiting. Facebook knows nothing about the inner turmoil, anxiousness, and hopelessness that I frequently feel. Do people look at my Facebook page and think, "Man, David's living the life!!" If so they shouldn't. My life is a battle. A battle against inner demons and external afflictions. Facebook is just a cover-up. I cover it up because I get tired of people asking me how things are going. If they know things are rough, they ask more... I lie more... or I give very vague answers such as "Oh, up and down." There are people that I don't mind them asking me how things are going. I do have those who I am not afraid to comm

Discontentment?

Not very long ago, I felt completely content. But lately, Vanessa hasn't been feeling good. More abdominal pain, still not sure what is wrong exactly. But my world feels like it is slipping away. As her health pendulum swings back towards the bad. Is my contentment that dependent on life circumstances? Shouldn't I be content in my relationship with God... shouldn't that be enough? I'm struggling to find that right now. But I think He wants to accomplish that in me. dngilb md

Contentment.

I have been feeling so content lately. Life is just great! But I still have $5000 of medical debt, my wife still has some mystery diagnosis (though does seem to be improved lately), and I drive a 16 year old car without an air conditioner. Shouldn't that be plenty to cause discontentment? That is what Satan wants me to feel. So why does life feel so amazing right now? I think to a substantial degree the contentment is perspective... Vanessa had been so ill, that now that we have only a mild degree of illness, I see how precious life and health are... every smile and moment together without pain is a HUGE blessing! We were able to go on a vacation and just enjoy things and each other... again, since much of this was absent for so long, we can see just how truly precious these things are. What's amazing to me now, is how so many people have their health and family and are so miserable and have no joy. God has already given you all you need to be content! So shut up ab

Cars... Marketing... Satan.

If you remember... I was having a hard time figuring out what car to get... options from $10k used honda to a $28k entry level luxury car.  I finally decided to save $300 a month until my car dies.  Try to be a little more responsible practical, not bow down to the desires implanted by expert marketers and human nature.  I felt good about it.   Today driving to the Dilly Deli for some coffee and granola on a one way street, I try to do a Uturn in the middle of the street. I was approaching a cop who had blocked the road off for some sort of organized run.  The poor little Honda has a terrible turning radius for such a small car... My passenger side front tire caught the small bump of a curb on the First Baptist Church's drive in... 45 seconds later, my car sounded and felt as if it was running on 2 cylendars.  WHAT HAVE I DONE!!!! I killed my lovely little trusty car??!! I'm not going to put hundreds of dollars into it to fix it I don't think... maybe a few hundred, but not

I've been married 2 years!

For our second year anniversary, we had a little get away. It was awesome. Our cabin was very modern, and over looked a steep drop off to a river valley, nothing but trees, water, blue sky! No television led us to spend great quality time just hanging out. Did I mention perfect weather? We just sat in the rocking chairs staring out at God's creation for 5 straight hours. 2 years has gone by fast. We look forward to the future years together. You know... people say the first year is the harest. Not true. It may be for some, but it all depends on life circumstances. Ours was a breeze. But year two was hard, just with the health issues. I guess most people I had married soon out of college and were in a transition in life, making it hard. We were both independent self-sustained individuals... not young "college kids". David

Source of "likes"

Why do people drink what they drink, eat what they eat, wear what they wear, drive what they drive, do what they do, or like what they like? Are likes and dislikes really part of the person or merely a product of environmental exposure mixed with the desire to be acceptable to some segment of society. We've been inundated since birth by ad campaigns and peer pressure by others who have been exposed to an even greater volume of propaganda. I'm trying to decide on my next car. Contenders range from a Lexus IS250 to a Honda Civic. I like the Lexus more than the civic... but why? I like the look and feel of the Lexus, yes... but WHY do I like it? What makes it appealing to my eye? Is it innate to the car design or its beholder? Or, is it a subconscious desire to be more desirable to society... an image enhancer. The Civic will do just as good a job at transporting me, keeping me safe... and actually saves me money and allows me to do more things in other areas of life... fi

Thunder storm.

Stress. The worry and pain of health issues... money, work, worries, fights against materialism... feelings that life isn't what I desire it to be... and even sometimes the feeling that I wish I could escape it all. Thunderstorm. I sat here on the porch... its 11pm or so, during a violent thunderstorm. In it, I see and feel God. I sense power, magnitude... chaos in parallel with control... beauty... violence... order and precision... art and science. I feel alive! I feel insignificant and yet also significant at the same time. I feel as if I found a piece of myself that was lost. I feel as if I could reach out and touch God... that He is near to me and that my life is going where He wants it to go. I feel that I can reclaim what used to be me... that I can be myself again. How was it that I got lost? I do not know... but tonight I felt a heart wrenching seizure of my "self"... I don't want to let it slip away. If this isn't making complete sense... its be

Compliments

Do you compliment people? I don't mean... "nice shirt!" that's not complimenting someone... It's complimenting some "thing". I don't think we as friends, spouses, children, parents, bosses or subordinants compliment enough. I received some nice compliments in the past week. "You can see art in anything. "You have a great bedside manor!" Each compliment was like adding fuel to the fire!! David

ER visit

Van had to go to the ER yesterday morning. More of the same stuff that has been going on for the past two years but a little worse or different yesterday. Fever is what led to us going. her 5th CT scan (no bueno)... showed a little colitis. So beef up the Asacol dose, restart the Vancomycin... schedule a 5th colonoscopy... (are you serious!? yes, i'm serious.). She's doing okay at this point. We're determined to stay on top of this so that things don't get worse necessitating a hospital stay. Being in the hospital is fairly miserable, especially when you feel miserable. When will all of this stop?!!!! Please God, hasn't she had enough?! dngilb

a movie.

So, I'm trying to make a movie. If you remember I've made one short film which was screened in the Dead Center Film Festival... it was a ridiculous film "about class struggle and entitlement"... well, actually it was a film about a guy who drinks lots of Dr. Thunder and pees out a chicken carcass, entitled "dangers of a caffeine high"... Weird huh?! I don't know why I like to make bizarre films, but I guess I do. What does that say about me as a person? So this new film is going to be significantly longer than "dangers of a caffeine high". I think this new film entitled "A documentary about itself, with no title, and that's the title" is probably going to be about 30 minutes long. It too is going to be weird. I'm not going to say it'll be funny, but more like peculiar. So is it possible to make a documentary about itself? Initially I thought it would just look like a weird feedback loop... How can you document a story
Dear blog. Please help me remember. Help me remember in the future that if Vanessa and I have our health, God, and each other... That we are truly blessed! Help us to be content. I write this in the midst of Van's continued health problems. How I long for her to feel good and enjoy a simple walk in the park. -- Post From My iPhone

Is this it?!!

So, Vanessa's nightly abdominal pain started like usual. Her subspecialist still thinks he's on the right track, but every bit of the $700/mo meds he's got her on seem to make no difference. But this past Saturday night was different than the past 60 some nights in a row with completely incapacitating and distressing abdominal pain. This night, it never let up. As soon as the pain meds wore off, she looked terrible again. By 8 a.m. the pain was even worse. She's never had this much pain in the morning before! How could this have happened??!!! The day before she felt so great! Since this was not apparently getting any better, we sought evaluation in the ER. I thought it was actually a waste of money to do the CT scan. She's had three in the past during the identical pain crises... and all were normal. When the results came back as acute appendicitis, I was floored. Floored. I began crying... How can this be??? What more new problems can my poor wife develop??!! She&#

pushing through

i don't even know what to say. my poor wife... pain and suffering every day... pain medicine everyday. Dr. Miner seems confident that he's on the right track, but her constellation of symptoms, her history is so bizarre. it falls outside of my scope of practice. what is going on??!! are we ever going to get this under control, resolved? i don't see how she can keep going with as bad as it is currently... she used to be fully funcitonal, now we're just happy if we can get out for a few hours a day. this is insane. unbelievable. heart breaking. literally breaking my heart.

yawn.

I saw someone yawning yesterday... I forced myself to look, to watch from start to finish, the contagious yawn. I felt a peculiar sensation in the musculature of my jaw for a good two minutes afterward. A yawn was trying to raise up from deep within... I kept suppressing it, not wanting to yield to the primordial reflexes. I did manage to suppress. But I thought it so peculiar that we are wired this way. What sociologic benefit is there to the reproduction of someone else's yawn? Most things that we do not reason into existence are remnants of evolutionary psychology. Impulses, feelings... they are there because they helped the individuals within a species survive and thrive, yes... natural selection. Yet, I find no potential reason why the contagiousness of a yawn should propogate itself through centuries of humanity. Anyone have ideas? dngilb

Lasting Effects

Ever since Vanessa had developed her health issues, with abdominal pain, shifting diagnoses that have all so far turned out to not quite be right, and thoughts of the upcoming endoscopies... I still see the effects of these events changing the way I practice medicine. Many patients are dismissed as malingerers or psycho-somaticizers, however I see them as patients potentially suffering from a uncommon condition. I find myself holding patients a day longer, running an extra $4000 of tests. So far, nearly everyone whom I suspected to be psychosomatic have all been psychosomatic. Am I wasting money? perhaps. But psychosomatic pain, etc. is truly a diagnosis of exclusion... and I wonder if I wasn't Vanessa's husband... would doctors have just dismissed her as "crazy"?? I admit, I did fear that this was all in her head. In hind sight I know without doubt it is clearly not. There are still items on the differential which haven't been ruled out. There are still disorders