DNGILB: Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Staring at a blank page. What shall I write? My life. A question. Floating adrift an ocean.

Felt heavy today. Aware that one day I will die. I face this awareness fairly often. It's a job hazard. I see old people dying slowly. That's my job. But, today... it feels especially evident that one day I too will die. Though it may be 60 years from now, I still wonder... Will my life have a lasting meaning? Felt heavy today. Aware of our infertility. Would I feel better if my genes could live on? Would that make me immortal? Does it mean my life would have a meaning that it wouldn't otherwise have? What if we adopted? The love and wisdom I impart on a baby/child's life... that would have meaning that would last beyond my death.... right? Would that make me happier in my knowledge of my mortality? Is that the wrong motivation to move me towards it? Wouldn't it be enough to know that the love I express in this world will make a difference beyond my lifespan? Today, it doesn't feel like enough. Am I being selfish or vain? Wanting to have a legacy? I was vo

What does it take to be content in life? The right focus. The right perspective. Bucket lists seem to be contradictory to seeking contentment. Yet, I have one. Loosely. I haven't written it down, I don't pine over it. But I do know that I've wanted to play Bandon Dunes courses since I first caught glimpse of them in a Golf Digest magazine in 1998 while riding in a white van on the way to our national tournament. I remember looking at the images of this walking only course on the coast of Oregon and thinking it looked like my ultimate playground. I turned to my friend Tim and said, "One day, we have to play this!" No plans were made. Initially, finances were the limiting factor... But by the time we reached a financial point where this was feasible, life had become fairly intense and doing something like this wasn't even possible for either of us. Fast forward 18 years... and we did it. Honestly, it exceeded my expectations! There is something mystical ab

Today I woke feeling content. Then as I started my morning I sensed quite a bit of sadness in my wife. The infertility reality sitting heavy on her today. As we went through this first part of the day I grew quite sad as well. Everything seemed meaningless to me. What is there to enjoy in life when there is such sadness? I feel so helpless to make her happy. But I know its not my responsibility to make her happy. It is my responsibility to make sure she knows she is loved deeply. But what do I do? She had a prior engagement so I headed to the golf course to practice. Entirely beautiful weather today! I couldn't not go. However, it still felt completely meaningless and I had a difficult time enjoying it. However, somewhere in there, I started having a new thought.  I remembered how when her health was so poor several years ago, all I wanted to be happy is for her health to be good enough that we could take a walk together. We have that now. Yet, my gratitude for it seems to evap

What is my ultimate goal as a husband? I don’t know if I’ve ever tried to boil it down to a singular primary objective. I’ve always strived to be a “good husband.” This often backfired and led unhealthy efforts to be perfect. I say unhealthy because when I fell short, I would beat myself up. Or, I wouldn’t even face my problem or admit to it. I would look past it and think, “I’ll just try harder to be perfect.” I would keep parts of myself hidden from my wife, until I've achieved and sustained perfection... it never happened. My primary objective to be a "good husband" got in the way of being completely real and intimate with my wife because no man can ever be perfect. I’m the sort who will always set the bar for “good” just beyond my last great accomplishment. Recently my wife was disappointed because there was no reasonable way for her to make a concert that she really wanted to go see. Theoretically we could go. But it far beyond my comfort level to make it

In the wake of a failed fertility treatment journey was confusion and heart ache. Hearts do not heal fast. The life long dreams of a woman must be grieved. Faith in the goodness of God is put to the test. Is he really for me? Does he really work good out of bad situations? Why would he give me this desire and then not come through for me? What if I don't like what he plans for me? Somehow, we find ourselves having submitted a stack of forms to become certified for fostering. Initially, our plan is foster respite care. That's where we would host a child for 2-7 days while their foster parents get some respite. They don't want foster parents burning out or having their marriages neglected but they cannot just leave the kids with grandma and grandpa the way most families do... that's where we'd come in. We felt like this is a good way to sort of test it out and help at the same time. Wondering, " are our hearts, gifts, and lives made for this? " If so, w

I wonder if its really possible to be your true self when you're single and in your twenties? I thought I was my true self at the time, but hindsight makes me second guess. The reason I second guess is that some of the things I used to enjoy doing are no longer nearly as enjoyable. For example, I used to really thrive on going out late at night and seeing bands play at small venues. It's still kind of fun, but I'd honestly rather have some good sleep. At first it appears that I'm just getting old. But when I think about why I found it enjoyable before is likely influenced by pride. In my twenties, I was single. And when you're single, you want to be feel "cool." You want to be perceived as cool. This makes you more marketable to interesting females. So, going out late at night to see obscure bands is one of the things that made me "cool." Was I really being true to myself or was I trying to be something a little different to impress others?