It had been a difficult few weeks for my wife. First a really potent upper respiratory virus. After that finally cleared, there was what seemed to be a recurrence of C. diff and with it, an increase in abdominal pain and nausea. Couple that with pretty bad migraines almost daily. Oh, and for no apparent reason her left wrist swelled up and was exquisitely painful to the point she couldn't use her left arm at all!
She felt "why me?!" But I saw her holding on to faith that God still has a good plan... for a little while. The final blow came in the form of good news of a friend becoming pregnant. While this is good, it was like a spotlight on my wife's fear that God did not have a family in the plans for her.
With the news she felt defeated. Unloved by God. The lingering doubts about God's love for her just blossomed into something crushingly large. I lovingly tried to confront this quick change of belief, but she confirmed. She no longer believed God loved her.
I can't blame her. She has been through so much. It's exceedingly difficult to hang on to hope and faith when you see so little progress. I have felt the same way at times in the past. It's a terrible place to be. My heart ached for her deeply.
If; however, we look at the evidence we can see how silly it is to change our position on God's love for us. Both my wife and I can easily see God's hand bringing us together in marriage, delivering us from difficulty in the past, showing up and bringing the right people into our lives to help take care of our needs during this trial. (Her neurologist was found by a personal connection from 10 years before V was even born!) We have seen God transform me from a dark place near my breaking point to a new place of hope. All of these things point to a God who loves. Is it really possible that after all that, he would withdraw his love at the moment that my wife found out a friend was pregnant? A resounding "No".
The week or so prior to Sunday night had been very difficult physically for V. I sent out a text asking for prayers to several comrades. They prayed, I prayed... The Holy Spirit began to move.
In this place of physical pain and emotional destitution. The Holy Spirit opened V's eyes in a new way. She saw me and the love I had for her that stood even without hope of what I might get in return. She saw the unconditional pure love for her... She expressed how beyond grateful she was for me loving her. I quickly ran through all the ways I used to be terrible at loving her... how God had been transforming me so that I could love her better. And that none of what I have to offer is solely of myself... but it is directly from her heavenly father.
God reached through all of the pain, doubt, self-pity, and fear... and wrapped his arms around her! He helped her to feel deeply loved... by him! Loved, simply because she is. Tears of joy ran down my angel's face. She believed God loved her. She even felt loved by him. As she always was and will be.
God wants us all to know that he never stops loving us. He loves us when life is good. He loves us just as much when life is very difficult and painful. He loves us when we are committing egregious sins. He loves us when we are performing great acts of love. He never stops loving us! You can't earn it. You can't sin it away. All you can do is either run towards it, or reject it.
Run toward the love of God.
During this week of intense pain, I asked God, "Don't waste this, God. My wife is hurting. Use this for something good. That's what you do, right? Genesis 50:20 'You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done...' Come on God! Do something good!!"
He did.
I wonder, could we speed up passage through the painful valley's we must travel if we stop asking "why poor me?" and start asking, "Okay, you've got my attention... What are you trying to accomplish? What do I need to see or change?" Because when there is pain... there is something God wants to accomplish that is bigger and more important that just relieving the pain.
God is good.... ALL the time.
David
She felt "why me?!" But I saw her holding on to faith that God still has a good plan... for a little while. The final blow came in the form of good news of a friend becoming pregnant. While this is good, it was like a spotlight on my wife's fear that God did not have a family in the plans for her.
With the news she felt defeated. Unloved by God. The lingering doubts about God's love for her just blossomed into something crushingly large. I lovingly tried to confront this quick change of belief, but she confirmed. She no longer believed God loved her.
I can't blame her. She has been through so much. It's exceedingly difficult to hang on to hope and faith when you see so little progress. I have felt the same way at times in the past. It's a terrible place to be. My heart ached for her deeply.
If; however, we look at the evidence we can see how silly it is to change our position on God's love for us. Both my wife and I can easily see God's hand bringing us together in marriage, delivering us from difficulty in the past, showing up and bringing the right people into our lives to help take care of our needs during this trial. (Her neurologist was found by a personal connection from 10 years before V was even born!) We have seen God transform me from a dark place near my breaking point to a new place of hope. All of these things point to a God who loves. Is it really possible that after all that, he would withdraw his love at the moment that my wife found out a friend was pregnant? A resounding "No".
The week or so prior to Sunday night had been very difficult physically for V. I sent out a text asking for prayers to several comrades. They prayed, I prayed... The Holy Spirit began to move.
In this place of physical pain and emotional destitution. The Holy Spirit opened V's eyes in a new way. She saw me and the love I had for her that stood even without hope of what I might get in return. She saw the unconditional pure love for her... She expressed how beyond grateful she was for me loving her. I quickly ran through all the ways I used to be terrible at loving her... how God had been transforming me so that I could love her better. And that none of what I have to offer is solely of myself... but it is directly from her heavenly father.
God reached through all of the pain, doubt, self-pity, and fear... and wrapped his arms around her! He helped her to feel deeply loved... by him! Loved, simply because she is. Tears of joy ran down my angel's face. She believed God loved her. She even felt loved by him. As she always was and will be.
God wants us all to know that he never stops loving us. He loves us when life is good. He loves us just as much when life is very difficult and painful. He loves us when we are committing egregious sins. He loves us when we are performing great acts of love. He never stops loving us! You can't earn it. You can't sin it away. All you can do is either run towards it, or reject it.
Run toward the love of God.
During this week of intense pain, I asked God, "Don't waste this, God. My wife is hurting. Use this for something good. That's what you do, right? Genesis 50:20 'You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done...' Come on God! Do something good!!"
He did.
I wonder, could we speed up passage through the painful valley's we must travel if we stop asking "why poor me?" and start asking, "Okay, you've got my attention... What are you trying to accomplish? What do I need to see or change?" Because when there is pain... there is something God wants to accomplish that is bigger and more important that just relieving the pain.
God is good.... ALL the time.
David
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