DNGILB: Trust me, I'm a doctor.

I remember back to when my wife had her colectomy (Summer 2019).   I was with her prior to the operation. I was holding her hand in the pre-operative room. She was scared. Rightfully so. A colectomy is irreversible. How will things go? What will life be like? Will she be able to have a BM on a toilet like normal again? Will there be complications? What will the pain be like? Will She be able to manage this ostomy... for however long? Let me mention to you now, I worship my wife's comfort and happiness. I struggle to feel even moderately okay unless she is content and comfortable. Yet standing at the threshold of all those scary "What ifs" she is not comfortable or happy. She is in pain, she has been in pain for 4 months. All her hopes for living a normal life and her fear of living a irreversibly abnormal life are tied up in this day. I kissed her... repeatedly. I told her I love her... repeatedly. Like we were going to be apart for years. Like we may never see one anothe

  Journal (Written from the surgical waiting room.) Vanessa’s ulcerative colitis flare started in February 2019. Since then, life hasn’t been the same. Her flare didn’t resolve with medications and ultimately needed a colectomy. Normally a two part surgery with temporary ostomy, then you heal and go on with life. Inconvenienced with frequent bowel movements, but that’s usually the extent of it.  Unfortunately, my wife wasn’t so lucky. Her body just hasn't cooperated. She developed a resistant cuffitis (residual inflammation in the very end of the rectum from ulcerative colitis. Happens in a very small number of ulcerative colitis patients after colectomy). After medical failure, this ultimately needed more surgery. She had a surgical mucosectomy for the cuffitis. After this surgery, there is a risk of severe narrowing of the anus from scar tissue, “anal stenosis”. Of course, her body didn’t cooperate. She wound up developing this anal stenosis. This required yet  more surgery. Then

One of the reasons I've written on this blog for the last 10+ years is so that I can look back and remember. Remember where I was, who I was, and how God delivered me. I'm going through each post from the beginning. Reading, reflecting, and now UPDATING! You can do this too if you want. Once I'm complete, I will continue my blog on new life adventures and trials on the new blog location. Check it all out here: MEDIUM - DAVID GILBERT https://medium.com/@davidgilbert_97251 Now for a random trip photo. (Maui 2018)

From a very hard and painful day, I wrote out my feelings... my feelings are turned into a " 911 Prayer " It feels like our lives are over. God, maybe you should just take us while we sleep…  because it feels like he won’t ever make the suffering stop. I am helpless. God, you have beaten me.  I have no power or control over anything.  Have you taken my life away.? How can I have joy?????  There is just so much emotional pain. God, as much  pain as I am in, I know you are real,  I  will not turn my  back on you... or my wife. But, what od you want from me? with me?  will you ever  restore  me? will you ever restore  her? I  feel so sad. hopless. angry. envious of those who are not suffering. Am I just supposed to say, “fine… God. I’m helpless. have your way with me. Do whatever you want, because I don’t have the power to stop my wife’s suffering, or my suffering. Do what you want with me. Will you make me suffer more? kill me? never let me experience ple

My wife had her fifth surgery in 8 months. Calling it a surgery sounds like an exaggeration as it was trans-anal approach and involved a dilation and one small internal incision with a suture, but the pain is real. The incision is in the rectum distal to the dentate line. This means its innervated by the somatic nerves, not visceral. So that means the nerves are very good at telling you there is pain and where it is. It seems to be allowing her bowel to function better, but she’s 10 days into it and the pain is still severe, though hints of some improvement are visible. This journey has been far from the usual post-colectomy course. Most people get through this with two surgeries, but her body isn’t cooperating quite as hoped. There have been some major road bumps to get past. If I’m honest, it feels like life will never be anywhere close to normal agin. That’s how if feels. The feeling is so strong,  I’m not even sure that my brain can compute that the reality could be differen