DNGILB: Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Does anyone else feel sad at Christmas? I usually am having a great holiday spending time with family, visiting friends, and having time off of work... then it happens. I feel sad. Down. Just as the sadness hits for the year, I it strikes me, "I felt sad last Christmas too!" I try to hide the sadness. I try to put on a fake smile so that others won't notice. Why do I feel sad??? It always hits immediately after or during the gift exchange. Some of the proposed mechanisms for this "bad" feeling are discussed below: 1. I may feel guilty for getting expensive things, when others have little or none. 2. I know that I feel bad when I find myself not liking a gift that was given to me. Sometimes the reason I don't like the gift is because I think its ugly... and I know that the person who bought it for me thinks it's wonderful... This makes me feel horrible, I feel as if I am pretentious, elitist or a snob. Though to have different tastes is only natural

Marry someone who is a Christ follower.  If you are going to throw your life away to love the other person, making them priority over yourself... It is much better to choose a mate who values the same thing.  Someone whose heart wants to grow to be Christ-like.  Then they will also throw their life away for you.  The two of you will meet in the middle. Also, I don't want you to think that to be a Christ-Follower is to have no boundaries and sacrifice yourself .  It is good to maintain healthy boundaries.  But never stop loving.  Earth bound people often confused love for good , and confuse good for comfort .  Check out C.S. Lewis. dngilb md

I remember a time when I was afraid of marriage.  Why was this so?  I feared making the wrong choice. (As if I could actually know how to make the right choice.)  I knew God was trying to choose for me, but I didn't know that I was afraid to trust him.  It became apparent to me in the middle of an ophthalmology clinic during medical school.  Dr. Siatkowski challenged me. I in turn had to face myself in the mirror.  Not just any mirror, but a mirror that eliminates all that had clouded my view of my true motivations.  I started to cry and had to go sit in the restroom for a while to collect myself.   I discovered that for my whole life I had been telling God, "I want what you want for me... I trust you."  But they had only been words, no meaning.  What I had been living was a, "I want what you want for me if I approve and it also matches what I think I want for myself."  When I saw the real me, I was ashamed.   I know God doesn't always protect us from suffer

Why I like coffee I'm reading "Blue Like Jazz" by Donald Miller.  Great book.  At least I think so... He writes about things that most people don't put to words. Things that most people just feel.  Its good to have those things put to words, explained, and largely brought to closure.  He is good at doing that.  He is open enough to let you feel what he was going through. Descriptive enough to allow yourself to realize what similar things you’ve gone through... and to ponder it.  Don used to be terribly lonely. He later started living in community, before this... he mentioned coffee shops. If he felt lonely, there were always coffee shops. What is it about coffee shops? I never went to them until I was in med-school.  It came out of my feeling of loneliness at home.  Its not that I actually felt lonely, but as I studied in seclusion, time seemed to stand still.  I couldn't study more than 30 minutes before I just felt like I couldn't do it any longer.  I starte

Marriage isn't what I had expected. I expected to never be bored. I expected sex to be easy and hollywood like. (I didn't actually expect this, I am smarter than that, but the hope did burn within my subconscious, nonetheless.) I expected it to meet all my selfish needs and interests. I also expected to never feel alone, however I learned how to not feel alone even before I met Vanessa. But marriage isn't what I had expected. This isn't a bad thing. It is good. Just not on the level of my shallow desires. Marriage is God's way of telling you that he loves you, the way you are. Yet it is also his way of letting you know its not good for you to stay the way you were. It is like giving an artist a new medium to explore and express themselves in. A medium that is much richer and more capable of conveying deep heartfelt meaning. I've traded in stick figures for oil paints. It is like you just discovered that someone else is more important than yourself.

And Gosh Darnit!... People Like Me. I was at the hospital talking to another resident. She was describing how she cannot stand this other person. I inquired as to why she didn't like this person. She described back several things that just rubbed her the wrong way. “Causing" her to not like the person. Thought one: What are the things that people say bad about me behind my back? What do I do that rubs people the wrong way? Thought two: Who likes me to my face, but has disdain for me, to my back? I asked this person in all seriousness, "what do people say about me when I'm not around?” She assured me that she has never heard anyone say anything but good things about me. She asked me the same question. I assured her the same. We then agreed to update each other if we did hear anything bad. Thought three: Why do some people seem to have such a hard time working along side of doctor X? I think people all have good aspects to their personality, habits, ethics, communicatio

A Reminder Why am I a doctor? I believe God has helped me get to this position not solely to relieve physical pain and suffering, but to be his instrument of change in people's hearts. The body dies, the soul lives forever. I had a recent reminder of this true purpose. I had a patient who had many stressors in life and was suffering from depression. This was largely precipitated by an elective abortion she had several months prior. A very traumatic emotional event. Especially burdensome on the psyche when kept a secret. I believe God had her see me so that I could point a finger at the source of all her problems. To make a strong recommendation that she's not going to get where she wants to be in life solely by medication. I shared how important it is to be part of a church family, one in which you can open yourself up to sharing intimate things from your life. She needs to get right with God or she's not going to be able to get right with herself. She agreed with me. I hop

Lost and Found. Today, I feel as if I found myself. I didn't even know that i was lost. I don't know what happened. It all started this morning. I didn't have to go into work until 10:30. This allowed me to start my day at Double Shot Coffee doing some medical reading, listening to good music and drinking good coffee all by myself. Maybe it was just much needed alone time. Maybe it was the beautiful weather. Perhaps it was the introspective music in my headphones... Either way, I felt connected to emotions and thought patterns that have been absent for much time. I liked it. I wanted more of it... How do I connect with myself? Maybe I need more solitude... Maybe I need to blog more... Maybe I need to listen to more music... I think I should kill my TV. I think I need to create more. I think I need to travel to the mountains and be in silence. Does anyone else ever feel this way??? David MD ADDENDUM: Lost and Found Update So, initially I was thinking that I needed more time

Why I Hate the ICU. I admit... there will be some great saves in the ICU. Unfortunately, the amount of futile care seems overwhelming. I'm so sick of family wanting to torture their loved one for another few days to let aunt So-sa-bloah come in from Tim-buck-tumble-weed. "We've told you she's not going to make it! No matter what we do!!!!" BUT they still want us to pound on her chest till bones are all broken. Shock her with large quantities of electricity. Shove a tube down her throat. Push IV fluids in till she feels like she's drowning. Poke her veins about 12 times a day. Shove a tube down her nose. (Sometimes we even have to shove tubes up the anus!) Then, leave her sitting in the bed for another 48 hours just so aunt So-sha-blomp makes it in?!!! JUST TO PULL THE PLUG??!! Its disgusting... and I'm sick of it. David MD

First Day of the Rest of My Life The day before my wedding I felt calm. The knowledge that tomorrow I would be bound to another person for the rest of my life, for better or for worse, was not intimidating or fear provoking. The thought of it was actually comforting. I love Vanessa! We had faced trials together. Through each one, I discovered more about myself and my love for her. God has really grown me in my capacity to love over the three years of our dating. The love I have for her is much less self-centered. I still have my “what about me” moments, but they are fewer and it takes less time for me to realize my folly. Anyhow… This is a journal of my thoughts surrounding our first week together as a married couple. I couldn’t sleep at all the night before. Though I had three beers and felt very drowsy at 1:00 AM, I did little more than toss and turn all night. I feared being very sleepy during the wedding, But once I got to the church I was very alert, I felt excited to be married a

The Journey of Love I fist saw Vanessa months before I ever met her. I was studying at a coffee shop and she walked in to join some other girls for a Bible study. I noticed her and thought to myself... "I wish I could meet a beautiful Christian girl like her." She just had this glow about her, like she was full of joy! And I prayed to God to help me meet someone similar. Many months later I saw an attractive young woman talking to my friend Savanah, so I raced across the church lobby hoping Savanah would introduce me... Bun she didn't appear to be doing that anytime soon. So I took matters into my own hands. I backed up into Savanah till I bumped into her, "Oh! Hey, sorry... Hi! I'm David." I said, introducing myself to Vanessa... Savanah finally introduced me as her friend and helped me to get a little lunch scheduled with Vanessa for the next week. Lunch was a success and a week later we had our first date. As for the first date, it went well and was a lot

Giving Bad News. Just about every doctor has gone into the wrong room at some point. Whether as a med student, resident or even a veteran attending, We’ve all done it. I admit I have done it. When it has happened, I figured it out quickly. Apologized then made my exit. You just hope that you don't give bad news. I was in the ICU. The nurse tells me that the boyfriend of one of my patients is in the room. I need to update him on the condition of his girlfriend. She is doing very poorly. I walk in to the room, introduce myself and I proceed to tell this man about how her bowel is dead. I go on and explain how she is too sick to survive surgery. She is going to die... today. There isn’t anything we can do to stop this runaway train. We need to make her comfortable. He replied with a "she didn't look this bad yesterday" comment. I followed with we are waiting on her son Billy to make it in. He states, "who is Billy? Her sons are Tim and Allen." Had I just delive

I AM STILL ALIVE!!!!!!! Current mood: not dead I've received several concerned phone calls this AM from friends and co-workers (whom are also friends) wondering if i am dead. I am not dead. It turns out that someone sharing my name was shot down at Peoria and Archer. He was indeed NOT me. Thanks for caring about my life. Sincerely and not dead, dngilb