DNGILB: Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Do other people think and feel? You wouldn't know it by looking at their faces. You wouldn't know it by talking with them. You may have the belief that I think and feel more than most people... if you read this blog. It is so exposed. Or so it seems. Yet there are a host of others thoughts and pools of emotions that I do not bear on this blog. They are even deeper. More raw. Not held up and examined, "Do I really feel this way? Do I really believe this?" Instead, they are pure impulse... and question. This blog is an exposition of the consistent currents of emotion and thoughts that have been examined... pondered on... and many a question, brought to an answer. There is more behind your experience of an emotion than most of us are aware of, at a personal level.

This was from one of my earliest posts... Now, remixed... into a poem. --------------- They say a man’s body decreases in mass by 21 grams when he dies... “Proof” the soul exists... “Proof” it departs from the place he lies. Tonight I witnessed something new, the body and soul depart. A man coded on the floor, we were called to respond, to do our part. ET tube slides down past the cords, CPR resumes. Epi and atropine given, we got him back! As though robbing him from a tomb. He seemed to have a few reflexes intact, Though unable to respond. Pupils dilated and fixed. Death he began to don. Dopamine was started. Family round the bed. Pressures too low, we titrated, Trying to keep vitals out of the red. As pressures improved, he began to move. Then, from nowhere... he opened his eyes!

As things turn, for better for worse, so turns my soul. All is well, then well is lost. Peace gives way, to doubt and hopelessness. As I cry out, God delivers. Great peace abounds, Even as the rains pour down. (Repeat... ad infinitum.) How many times must I experience God showing up in my crisis, before my hopelessness is replaced by a steadfast faith? Just a few days ago... He did it again. Just as he has before. In the storms of life... He is there. Yet some how, repeatedly, I doubt, I question, I shout. Till manifest, his power is made. Until He announces: "I am here. Where is your faith, child?!! I've never lost control. There is peace offered to you, because I am in you. Always. I will lead you through the darkness and into to better days." I think of George Muller of Bristol. His faith, unshakable. Though obstacles arose, he didn't lament and pine away... He expectantly awaited his faithful Father would save the day... He knew he'd show up! In response to pr

Pounding my fist into my steering wheel, over and over. Face contorted from anger and deep anguish. I shout out at the top of my lungs, “heal us or kill us God. HEAL US OR KILL US!!” I drive home from work to tend to my wife. Yet another abdominal migraine complicating her severe post-infectious IBS. Who thought it could ever be this bad?! It’s SO bad. A few years back, I missed recognizing her acute appendicitis... because it’s so often, THAT severe. It’s been three years now. The pendulum of health swings back and forth, from good... to hell. But its an irregular swing, defying Newtonian physics, spending too much time on the side of the bad. When things change for the better, our hopes and joys fly, soaring for the heavens from which they came. “She’s getting better, normal life just around the corner!” Then, often with little warning, things turn for the worse. Our dreams fall. When they fall, they fall hard... shattering to millions of bleeding pieces. Our hopes of having a family

Over dramatic? I don’t think so. This “Snowstorm 2011” has been a piece to the puzzle in my spiritual journey. I went for a walk today. Still a foot of snow on the ground. I walk in the packed snow covered streets through my neighborhood. Sun is finally out. Gone are the gloom inspiring clouds of gray. It’s bright. Almost warm when the sun hits the bare skin, but the slight breeze whisks the subfreezing air across my skin and reminds me, it is cold out. I could have been fooled. The birds were fooled. Chirping all around me. I don’t even notice the freezing of my breath, though it must have been there. I don’t know if snow has a scent, but the air smelled clean, clear, and mountain like. Pinion pine is burning in a neighbors fireplace. "God, one day, can I live in the mountains? Please let it be so... this is almost heaven." Travel was slow. Traction at a minimum, you must move slow to avoid an embarrassing fall. They can bruise both the ego... and the coccyx, you know. I mak

It came down in swirls and gusts. At times obscuring the view of my neighbor’s house across the street. Their house has the architectural style that begs for a mountain lot, perhaps Colorado... and now, finally it enjoys the weather befitting its personality. It looks complete. By evening time, the world had been translated into a high contrast monochromatic wonderland. All of the deadness of winter now covered up by a 14” thick blanket of pure white snow; beauty. There were drifts, blown by the wind, they try to swallow up even the biggest of cars, mailboxes, and the occasional house. As the next two days unfold, I realize the snow swallowed up even more. Gone was busyness, shopping, deadlines, timelines, work, traffic jams, road rage, the call of materialism, and a multitude of other dimensions of this American life. I watch my neighbor through my big picture window struggling with his truck. He tries to get out of the driveway, but instead spends two hours shoveling futilely, finall