DNGILB: Trust me, I'm a doctor.

Matthew 10:5-11,16 (NIV) These twelve Jesus sent out with the following instructions… "Go rather to the lost sheep of Israel. As you go, preach this message: `The kingdom of heaven is near.' Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give. Do not take along any gold or silver or copper in your belts; take no bag for the journey... I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves." The modern day reality: Jesus sent out his people with the above instructions, but 2000 years later his people go and preach to believers, largely ignoring the lost. Their message is a message of comfort and smiles. They put on pretty and polished productions at their churches, go on ski trips, and have a divorce rate equal or greater than non-believers. They horde their wealth. Many don't tithe and they run up phenomenal debts. They barely tell their friends of Chr

Faith is the secret of both peace and steadfastness, amid all tendencies to discouragement and discontinuance in well-doing.  (from "George Müller of Bristol") David 

I had a realization today. I interrupt people. I don't think my interruptions were always so... copious. I remember back in medical school, overnight call. Interviewing new patients in the emergency room. Back then, It could potentially take an hour per patient history. These old people would just ramble and ramble... and ramble... Simply not staying on task. I heard more irrelevant stories than I knew what to do with. I really had to work hard to see three new patients a night. Fast forward to my intern year. I learned to see 5 new patients a night. I found the same types of rambling tangential thinkers, but I developed one very important skill. I learned to direct them! Cut them off at the tangent, then restart the purposeful train of thought... then, guiding it in for a landing! SUCESS!! By my senior year, I could see 10 people a night! Fast forward to my career as a hospitalist. Now, I see 12-20 patients in one day. Sometimes four or so are new... and I do all of that in about

For some reason, my memory was jogged tonight... I remembered back to when I was 16. My parents were very generous. They purchased me a nice $6000 dollar used car. 1987 Toyota Supra Turbo. It was fun. It had room for 5 people, several sets of golf clubs, looked sporty, and felt pretty sporty too. I should know, my friends and I used to do 0-60 runs down my neighborhood street (speed limit 25), AND I drove it 138 MPH down a narrow two lane country road! Looking back on the 138 MPH run... I realized I was blessed that I didn't kill myself, or someone else along the way. My second car was even faster, though I only got it up to 120 briefly on I-44; one time only. I think its wise to get your 16 year old son a prius or some other SLOW car. David

It has been a particularly hard week. More of the same trial. Though, some new twists, thus additional misery. As you know from past blogs, God has been giving me a new peace, greater faith, joy and hope. Just when I thought I had it figured out, something changed... though I didn't perceive any change to my daily pursuit of God in his Word and in prayer... He now seemed silent, and I... joyless. An hour of quiet time and the book of Philippians. It was amazing. It was perfect. Though I believed it all to be truth, I still trudged through the remainder of my afternoon. Where was this peace that is supposed to come from Christ alone? I felt tempted. "Sinful pleasures may make you feel better" says the father of all lies... I knew that would only heap on more pain. I clearly saw the lie for what it was. Disaster averted. Though I spoke assertively to God, I conceded that He can do with me as He pleases. I bow to His will. I belong to Him. I am His servant. Later, I wandere

I once asked my dad about his earliest memory. I guess after 60 some years of living, those childhood memories begin to fade. He almost drew a blank. One he did remember was from his grade-school era... Maybe 4th grade? It was remembered due to high emotional content. Namely, the emotion of embarrassment. He was dressed up in a suit for a relatives wedding. He was at the church. Not his church. An unfamiliar one. Though young, my dad was a man... Still is. Though not as young these days. Time has a way of doing that.. But back then, even though of young age, he still followed true to the male stereotype. Evolutionary genetics I suppose... He didn't like to ask directions. Even when the directions needed were how to find the nearest bathroom. He was a resourceful lad, or so he thought. And, he was a lad who had to pee. That 10 year old brain started clickin' and clunkin' "It's sorta okay for men to pee outside..?" he thought. Well sort of. He found a nice spot

Yesterday I re-read my first ever blog. Five long years ago when I penned it. (Typed it... do they even make pens anymore?) In that inaugural blog, I posed the question, "why blog?" At the time, it was open ended... unanswered. Now, five years later... it has been answered. 1 Thessalonians 2:7-8 "Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well." I blog, in part... to allow others to see into my life. Because I proclaim that Jesus Christ is real, and that the Bible is God's word. I am staking my life on it. My life isn't easy... but God is good. I am confident that as I seek God through his son Jesus Christ, that I will find him! And the effects of God in my life will be seen, and God himself will be glorified. I blog, in part... for myself. So that I may remember what God has done in my own life. So the distractions of this

I remember when life seemed dark. The challenges of the "trial" were big and overshadowed all. I called out to God, but I could not see Him. Hope was no where. Pain everywhere. It's not like that anymore. I've been regular at seeking God through His Word, as he calls us to do. Since January I've been on a one year reading plan. It is slowly transforming me in this life. Things are brighter. There is a sense of our eternal purpose. When I look for God, I find him. The love between my wife and I is brighter. I've been delivered from sin. There is hope for the future. and I am closer to having contentment in my current situation. God is good. His word is good. Why did I take so long to become diligent in reading? Why friend, are you not reading His word daily? It will really transform your heart, mind, and life. Try it. David

Granted, I don't divulge every thought, dream, fear, heartache, joy, and revelation with you on here. I do, however put deeper material on my blog than I know about most people... people whom I "know". Who are these strangers who hit my blog from the Ukraine, Russia, Finland, Alaska, Canada, the UK, and India? I don't know you. Do you blog? Do you expose the inner workings of your soul onto the great world wide web? I'd like to know. Please do comment. Tell me where you are from. What you are about? What is your dream? What is your fear? In my daily life, I know many people. Many are fantastic! Yet as fantastic as they are to me... I don't really know them deeply. What would they blog about? I do know several people who keep blogs. They are nice, but its all external blogging. "Today, such and such happened." Fine and all.... But I want to SEE people! I want to know how you feel! What do you struggle with? What revelations have come to you? What has

I am not a spy. My first week of medical school... a girl whom I had spoken maybe 5 words with turns to me as we walk to our "mod" and says, "So, I want to be a spy." "Odd," I think... "what should I say next?" I don't remember what I said next. Jenni Quay went on to be a good friend. Now, we are both spies... We aren't really spies. But sometimes I feel like I am. I have so many wonderful stories about patients I desire to tell... but there is this law, set of laws really. HIPPA. Basically, if I slip up and tell you what famous person I took care of... I can go to jail and pay $100,000 in fines. So, like a spy, I too have secrets that I cannot divulge... or i'd have to kill you. Oh, and I did actually take care of a famous person (well, famous in the 1980's). Basically, I can't share anything that might be considered patient identifying information. Please don't construe this next bit of information as patient identifying

So, the coffee shop I go to, DoubleShot, has some unique qualities... community and humor. Within those confines, Brian the proprietor and master roaster, resurrected an activity once confined to the youth. Show and Tell... Or STSTST as he calls it (show and tell, second Tuesday at seven thirty). The first two months people had difficulty remembering. The third month however was a small success.  Five if us showed up with something to both show and tell.  The items included: a viewing of my retina with an ophthalmoscope, a family heirloom milk pitcher from the 17th century, a 1930's large format camera, old football jerseys and more! A good time was had by all and it proves... You're only as old as you... Show and tell? I think next month will be even better.  David

I remember reading the parable of the sower many times in the past. This time, it impacted me differently. I read it several days ago, and if you've been following along on my blog, you know that life is considerably difficult right now. So this time, as I read I felt convicted From the Book of Mark: The farmer sows the word. Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty,

Early on in their lives, newly wedded and greatly in love, this couple fell into a difficult period in life. A great and terrible illness arose. It caused the woman terrible pain and severe nausea. Life seemed to be a constant struggle... at times she thought she would die. At times her husband felt so helpless and hopeless that he wished they would both die in some terrible accident. "Life is just too painful! All my dreams are dead! There is no hope, only pain!" He thought to himself. Yet Jesus had never left the couple. Three years had gone by because the Holy Spirit was not yet finished working in their hearts, preparing them for a future whereby God would be glorified. Not only that, but Jesus had been with them the whole time! Even so, the couple cried out to him, "Jesus, don't you care that we are suffering greatly?! Where are you! Are you punishing us??!!! are you even real??!!" As time moved on, the Holy Spirit worked in their hearts and lives. They wer

I remember back to 1997. My golf coach in college, Steve Hulsey, told me about how powerful running is as a stress reliever and antidepressant. I half way believed him. I was also acutely aware that being forced to run at 6:00 AM to "improve my golf game" was painful... and I hated it. I remember one such run when it was about 30 degrees outside. Breathe through your nose for a minute... freezing cold PAIN! Switch... Breathe through your mouth... freezing cold PAIN. Continue alternating breathing techniques, trying to minimize the damage. Afterwards, I strangely smelled dog food everywhere I went for about two days. My non scientific conclusion, I traumatized my olefactory nerve with the cold air. Don't worry, it went away... and NO it wasn't my breath, and NO I didn't have a pocket full of dog food. The last time I ran it was the year 2000. Recently, there were two separate influences that contributed to my attempt to begin running again. So far, I've logged

I feel God is still working in my heart during this trial. I feel a little more peace of late. I still have a strong desire for the trial to end, but I see and enjoy the beauty in life despite the pain. The beauty is God's love and my wife's heart. It wasn't too long ago, that I couldn't see past the pain. God is growing my faith. My faith that he is still here with us. My faith that he has good plans for us. My faith that he will deliver my wife's body to healing... this is a trial, one that will end. My grandfather once said, "It's the tough times that make life worth living." I think there was some profound wisdom in his statement. We have something profound to fight for... Love. And I know that when we are delivered from this trial, that I will have wonderful growth in my heart to show for it. If you asked me months ago, "If you knew then what you know now about what life would be like married... would you still say yes?" I believe I wou

My wife went to bed early. I didn't want to make a bunch of noise... Listening to music via the ear bud. Two hours of imagination capturing crazy music. I feel like myself. Hello self. Welcome home. I need to listen to my music more often. Thank you Sufjan. Thank you Portishead. Thank you Beach House. Good night. David

I remember when I was about 7, I learned the importance of following directions. I guess its every dad's duty to teach his son some important lessons. This was one. Now, he didn't just sit me down and explain the importance. No. My dad knew that a lesson with an emotional "tag" would be remembered much more vividly than a dry and boring lecture. It was my first attempt at water skiing. He bought a special water ski set for children. You see, one of the difficulties of skiing with two skis is that its easy to do the splits. So, the makers of these skis tied the skis together at an appropriate width. Problem solved. This isn't the only problem they tried to solve. Sometimes the grip strength needed to hold the handle as the boat goes from standstill to moving is too much for a little kiddo. So, not only were the skis tied together, but the rope is tied to the front of the skis. There was a separate short piece of rope from the skis front to the handle which I held

Music. Music contains the power to completely change the way you feel. Often in just a few simple minutes. A song can connect you to what your soul has been trying to tell you for weeks. A song can help you release and purge heart ache. A song can connect you to God himself... Facilitating his life changing love to wash over you. Tears of joy streaming down your cheeks. There are some songs that I cannot even listen to at this point in my life... They unleash the pain that I try to forget. Mostly songs by Sigur Ros. Currently, on a friends recommendation, I listen to Beach House's "silver soul". This is my fourth listen in a row... And it's helping. Helping me to find meaning in my pain... In my life. A bigger purpose. Determination. Rest. Peace. Perseverance... I can do this. I chose to do this... I want to do this. God... I am yours. Sustain me... Be glorified by my life. Help me to serve you. David

At times, I exhaust. Everything spent... the trial weighing too heavy. It's too much to bare. Such was this past Sunday. It was a good Saturday, and a wonderful Saturday night! We enjoyed getting out of the house that evening. Nothing special to many, but to us any time we are able to enjoy an evening... it is amazing. No, we didn't paint the town red. Simply, a trip to Target, then to Mod's for some gelato. It was bliss. Later, we lay in bed holding each other... kissing... laughing... pure heaven. Then at 1:00 am, a hell-storm of pain hit my angel. She in agony and I in anguish we wait for medication to kick in. Ninety minutes later, the storm mostly subsided, my angel drifting to sleep under a haze of narcotics. It is hard to watch, and I cannot imagine how much harder it is to endure directly. The following morning I wept bitterly. Memories of the night before. Seeing my sweetest wife groggy and severely nauseated after the rough early morning hour's, trial I shoute

It was an eventful two days. One of my best friends was getting married in Oklahoma City. I was in the wedding and needed to head down the night before. Vanessa was going to go that day but was just too tired of hitting the road and being away from home. She urged me to go on down and she'd come down the next day. This would be very difficult for me. I hadn't spent one night apart from my sweet wife since all of the health difficulties had started. I was too afraid to leave her! What if, what if, what if…. I was scared she would need me and would be all alone. She insisted that she'd be fine. I loaded up, kissed her and hit the road. I cried off an on for about an hour. At times violently. Yelling at God. Begging. Demanding. "Please God, restore my wife to health." I felt angry that he would have ever let this happen to one of the sweetest most beautiful hearts he'd ever created. I could hardly see through my tears to drive at times. I opened the glove box in

I am blogging this from the air. Flying to Orange Co California. A few days ago, I wrote a lengthy blog. It was a pep talk for myself and for others. I had been struggling emotionally, feeling beaten down and discontented. It was a very positive blog. I said all of the right things.... Then, 20 minutes later I couldn't identify or feel any of the good things I wrote about. So, I deleted it. Back to square one... Maybe this plane will crash and our pain will be over. Sound terrible? Probably... to those who haven't suffered for an extended season. I used to look down on people who didn't feel like life was worth living. If you're reading this right now and feeling the same thing. Shame on you, you ignorant fool. Just as I was an ignorant fool. Now, I see clearly, this is a legitimate response to the pain. It's not where you should stay... and you should cry out to God to lift you up. Even a great man like Moses felt this way... in the middle of God's will for h

I used to do many things... I enjoyed them. Golf, wakeboard, play the guitar, write and record songs, play tennis, snow ski and snow board. I now only golf about 3 -4 times a year. I pick up the guitar rarely. The other activities have disappeared. I also used to go see bands play. I saw probably 100 bands in a year. I used to go see the independent films at the art museum in OKC or Circle Cinema in Tulsa. These things are disappearing, but I still enjoy and want to do them all. These things have and are being replaced by other things. Wonderful things, but I think I am neglecting myself... and I need to carve out a little time for some of those things.... at least once a week. dngilb

I have a constant temptation at work. I work with many people who can't talk, can't understand my speech, or are too out of it to care or respond. Now, I don't know if this "temptation" spawns from my frustration of not being able to communicate with my patients and the difficulty it creates... or if i'm still an immature 10 year old kid inside of a 32 physician's body. But, I frequently have a desire to walk into a room and just start making weird noises or speaking jibberish as I interview my patients.... But I don't. I am professional. Well... I do fart in their room and then leave. But they poop in front of me, sometimes while they are standing in the hall, so... dngilb

Every once in awhile someone tells me that they read my blog. They tell me that its funny, and it made them cry... and gave them hope. To all whom my blog has caused a shed tear... please let me know. I can mail you some kleenex. (or for those not from Oklahoma where all tissue can be referred to as "Kleenex" I can mail you a tissue.) dngilb (a.k.a. david)

Dear blog... readers... future children of mine. I can't believe its only been 9 days since i've written something on here. It feels like its been a really long time. Life feels like it goes by so slow when you are hoping for change... but so fast at the same time. How is it almost September? I've heard older folk say, "life goes by faster as you get older." I guess I am older... but I'm only 32! I hate to see what life is like when I'm 70. I probably get up from the dinner table to go take a dump, and by the time I get back... I'm 75 and several of my friends have died from cancer or heart attacks. Sorry about that introductory paragraph. I am not entirely sure where it came from... but it probably has something to do with my job. Every day, I come into contact with 12-18 people, most of whom are at the very end stages of life and facing a potentially life ending or life debilitating problem. Cerebrovascular accidents... strokes. It's pretty depr

Sometimes... I feel like I am dying. Or, I might as well be. I am not depressed... Life is just hard and it is difficult to believe that things will get better. I am placing all of "my eggs" in the basket of faith in a personal God who loves me and has plans to prosper me. That being said, his idea of prosperity differs much from how an American would would define it. Yet, if I had American prosperity, but no God... My life would be meaningless and empty, and would be filled with yet a different type of pain... And would end in eternal damnation. I will choose God's will. I will walk into the dark night... Trusting my Lord to guide me... Into a better kind of prosperity... In his perfect but lingering timing. David ps. I took a depression scale... I wasn't depressed. It's just really tough to deal with 2 years of physical suffering. You don't get it or understand it until you experience it. But healthy people seem to judge, condemn, and wash their han

Eleven years ago, the associate pastor from my church and his wife adopted a little girl. This little girl was born with so many health problems that she lived in the hospital for her first three months. Due to her health problems her single mother gave her to the state, because she wasn't able to take care of her 24/7 needs or pay for her health care. She then moved to the Bethany Children's Convalescent home for the kids that had too great of medical problems to be cared for at home. The very same day that little Cherokee moved to Children's, DeVonna started working in the Children's Convalescent Home business office. Three days passed before DeVonna met Cherokee. When she did, she started falling in love. After a year or more, the pursued becoming foster parents... and this led to Cherokee's eventual adoption. The first time DeVonna's husband Doug met Cherokee he saw the look on her face, and on the face of his wife. Just seeing the connection... He knew Cher

I was in line at the John Wayne airport, in Irvine CA, this morning at 5:30 a.m. And while I was ordering a bacon egg and cheese biscuit with a diet coke, suddenly the 7 year old kid next to me briskly swings his head around and looks up at me with shock and awe on his face. His mom snaps at him, "you are not having diet coke for breakfast!" This young man continues to gaze upwards at me with a look of quizzical wonderment. "maybe one day I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it!" he may have thought. He looked into my eyes as though I was his hero. And I believe for that brief moment... I was. David

I don't know what it is about driving, but I love it. It clears the mind. It's brings peace to my troubled heart... Calms the storm.

I was laying in bed a few nights ago, and I just started thinking about my friends Eric and Lauren... and their beautiful baby boy Canon. I was so happy for them! And so aware of God's blessing. Canon is amazing! My wife and I would like a family, but health and life have been difficult enough that now is no where near a good time to even try... I thought of another friend who has one of those ticking "bio-clock" things.. but the stars just aren't lining up for them in the relationship department. I have another set of friends who have tried for seven years to get pregnant without results. For some, there are barriers that no matter how hard one strains against... we cannot budge. I literally started tearing up at the realization of how much blessing Eric and Lauren had... and at the realization that my dreams are not within my control to obtain. I am at God's mercy. And I wondered... God, do you have plans for these desires? Today, as I drove to work at 7:00 am,

Granted, I didn't have cash to do a remodel when we bought our house... but I certainly have learned that if you do, you are blessed! We recently started doing some remodeling to our 1950 built ranch home. We love our home, amazing layout. Those post-WWII modern architects really were onto something. We looked at a number of homes built in the 1920-1930's and the layouts were just choppy. But while the layout of our home was excellent, the shape of its hardwood floors, sheetrock, and style of bathrooms, trim, etc... just wasn't going to cut it. So we decided to take our house into the 21st century. It's going to be pretty modern, but keep some of the 50's geometry, masonry patterns... but incorporate modern colors, glass tile, corten raw steel, concrete countertops, etc. What started out as, "hey lets redo the bathroom" has evolved into almost the entire house. Its just all connected! You can't just stop at one spot easily, not when you have long ran

I played soccer when I was young. Seven I think. I was in a defensive position back by the goal... Is that called a full back? I have no idea. I believe I was in this position because of my exercise induced asthma... This position had the least amount of running, so this is where I was stationed. I have very few memories of my time in soccer. I do remember this is when I was introduced to the "suicide"... a dreamy concoction of all flavors of soda from the concession stand. (It only tastes better if you're a kid.) but this isn't the memory I wanted to share. The memory I do wish to share was from the only game I remember. I didn't get much "glory" by being on defense... But one day, I thought, "it's my turn!" At some random point in the game, I found myself with the ball. This would be my moment! Seize the day!!! So, I started dribbling the ball and advancing down field.  I drove it all the way down the field, dodging opponents left an

I was driving around with my windows down, listening to music... No real destination, just driving to drive.  I used to do that when I was in highschool and college.  It's where I would go when I needed to think or be by myself... Or sometimes just because I was bored. I always loved it.  I haven't done it much since living 8 blocks from work.  I need to do it more often, it just feels good. There is something really pleasant about feeling the warm summer air mixing with the cold air from the air conditioner while seeing the world moving by at 30 mph. Anyways, as I was driving around, windows down... I drove by someone's yard who had their sprinklers going.  I could smell the water! I was instantly overwhelmed by an emotional reaction. It took me back to a simpler time in life! Summertime... With no worries.  I don't know if it brought back memories of running through sprinklers in the back yard as a young child or perhaps the golf course at twilight... Or maybe even

How much of the childhood does an adult remember? I've asked my dad questions about his childhood, and he seems to have very few specific memories of it. Incidentally, I asked him this approximately 20 years ago, and I still remember it. I remember feeling perplexed at how a person could forget their childhood and I remember feeling sad for my dad. I can however, as I grow older, understand how all those childhood memories fall out of the brain. Life is just complex as an adult, not much time is spent dwelling on things of childhood. I read a book recently, non-fiction. One of the people in the book had a journal in which he would write down every memory that came to him from his life. Some were big, others as small as wearing a specific shirt on a specific day. I have decided to start recording some of my childhood memories in my blog for future memory loss and generations to come. Memory Journal #1: Growing up in the Gilbert family included quite a few road trips. I guess

Life is fragile. I used to have a sense that it wasn't. I felt secure. I felt I could go to sleep, wake up, breathe, live, play, go to sleep and do it all over again. Partly because of my job, partly because of my wife's health issues... life doesn't seem so stable or secure. To make things worse a friend of mine who is 38 years old suffered a small stroke. I actually took care of him in the hospital... He's doing fine, but other than his LDL cholesterol of 144 he shouldn't have had a stroke. What's crazy is that I saw him the very night before the stroke, just completely fine and unsuspecting. Now, I feel like I could die at any moment. Car wreck... Some rare form of cancer... Stroke... Or heart attack. My whole world could be turned upside down, or end all together. I recently went to Woodward park on a beautiful day, the azaleas were in bloom... couples were holding hands and kissing, having pictures taken together... having picnics... WALKING AROUND! No heal

In Psalm 23 it says, "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want." During this phase in life in which I find life extremely difficult, having a wife with chronic health issues that really limits life... it is hard to fathom "not being in want." How can I not want something good and as natural as feeling good. The scripture makes it pretty clear that God enjoys blessing his people by giving them children... how could you "not be in want" if you were desiring this but couldn't have children? During a group Bible study, some men, who are a little further along in life than I, talked about when their teenage daughters were wanting to date some boy but they knew the boy was a bad influence. The desire the girls had was a good and natural, but hopefully the teenager would trust their father enough to heed his direction. The father was acting out of a deep appreciation and care for his daughter's deeper desire and was trying to help her reach it. So

Life has been difficult... Painful. My wife and I at times have been "poor in spirit." we both struggle with doubts... "God? Are you there? Do you care? Are you going to do anything about this chronic health problem? It's ruining life!" Lately, he has given me some reassurance. God, in dramatic fashion, pulled my wife's health out of the gutter and gave her a month of respite in time for our trip to Maui. It was a blessing. I have to believe if he cared enough for a trip... He cares even more about the rest of her life. Van hasn't been able to remain as hopeful recently, and I begged God to show up and give her a sign that he cares and is still in this. The very next morning after I poured my heart out in request, she received an email from someone she didn't believe had her new email address and it included some great scripture and the saying, "don't wait for the storm to end, learn to dance in the rain." I've been p

There is a feeling you get when you're a second year medicine resident in the ICU at night, I remmeber it well. It comes when you are In charge of peoples lives... When you can sense that something terribly bad is going on in a patient's body and though it elludes detection, you can tell that they are headed towards death that very night... and the patient might not even be aware of it... This feeling comes on you after you realize YOU are the only chance that person has... To NOT die. But you know you can't stop it from happening. That's the feeling I have right now. It haunts me. David

Maui was amazing. AMAZING. The first full day there was the best day of my life for the past year or so. Bliss... pure bliss. Beauty, perfect weather, and my sweet lovely wife with a giant smile on her face! I loved every minute. If you remember, God... in a mysterious and catastrophic way had shaken loose the terrible pain and nausea that my wife had been suffering just 2-3 weeks prior to the trip. Before her hospitalization, I was really worried that we would have to cancel the trip because she felt so bad every day. But things turned around in miraculous fashion. Half way through our trip in Maui things started slowly giving way... some nausea here and there, pain for a few hours at a time. It put temporary dampers on things, but it would get turned around and we'd end up getting to go have fun again. The last full night there, however, Van was awakened from sleep with terrible abdominal pain. Pain medicine got it under control and she finally got back to sleep. The next da

Two common statement I hear are, "I think all roads lead to heaven" and "there is no one TRUE religion." I understand why people say this. Nobody wants to think about other people going to hell. Especially people who, from the surface, appear to be "trying" to do the right thing.  Nobody wants to think of THEMSELVES as going to hell either! Other's may also say this because they do not want to submit to the teachings of any one religion.  The post-modern mindset is that each one of us can be our own god deciding what is wrong and right for the individual.  While those short little statements seems to bring people a little comfort and peace, I don't think they realize all of the ramifications those statements have. What do I mean? Well, when you make one of those statements you are actually making a large series of statements that your original statement is supported upon. So, if you are one who likes to say, "all roads lead to heaven" let

The six days of heaven on Earth, where my wife felt no pain or nausea, have given way... there has been a return of pain and some nausea. Overall it is still at a lesser point than where things were for the month of February, but some disappointment has set in. We guarded ourselves against this, because there have been miraculous reprieve before which ultimately gave way to a return of the problems. As I promised my God, when the pain returned, I told him that I still praise him, I still trust him, and I still want him to be in control of my life. I want to submit to his will. There were a lot of tears during that prayer... a prayer that went on for 30 or so minutes. In the prayer I also thanked God for my wife and the love he has given me for her. I love her more than any other thing on Earth except for my God. I love her so much that no words suffice... only 30 minutes of joyful tears streaming down my face can express what I feel inside. She is the sweetest. Her heart is the most

As much as I have longed for stability and comfort, I haven't been granted that as of yet. But God is writing an interesting story in my life… and in that story He is faithful. So, as most of you know my sweet wife has had some health problems. Pretty major health problems actually. Things got "flared up" again and she was sicker than sick. We went into see her PCP and one look at Vanessa and she said, "I'm admitting you to the hospital." Once we were there it was clear to me that indeed, she needed it. Her resting heart rate was 158 due to her dehydration from how sick she'd been. When I walked into the hospital room, I just started crying. So many scary and painful memories of her almost three week hospital admission almost two years ago. Though when I look back on those weeks, though they were painful… God was there. There was the time when I became too tired to play with Vanessa's hair to comfort her so I laid down, and she looked up an hour l

I have a unique hospitalist job. The "gray team" takes all unassigned stroke and TIA patients. As a result, we also get all of these patients with a strange constellation of neurologic-like symptomatology. Most of which is not explainable. Some have been complex migraines, where the migraine headache actually causes neurologic symptoms. Some of been conversion disorder, wherein the patient undergoes a strong stressor or catastrophic event and the brain, psychologically tries to protect itself, by creating a neurologic deficit… paralysis, blindness, etc. Usually, the patients are not supposed to be alarmed by their symptoms. There is no measurable problem that doctors can detect. They have normal imaging, normal nerve conduction studies, lab tests, etc. What happens is on the subconscious level. They are not intentionally faking it, they believe this is happened to them. There are other patients who don't seem to follow the definition of conversion disorder. There are no

So, as most of you know, my sweet wife has been suffering from a chronic and somewhat mysterious illness for more than two years. It can probably be summed up as eosinophilic colitis leading to a tragically robust immunologic response to a C.diff infection with multiple relapses and after a SEVERE case of colitis requiring 2 weeks in the hospital... she is left with the most insane IBS ever. IBS that has incapacitated her for the most part, tremendous pain and nausea. We pray desperately for healing from this. All that medicine has to offer hasn't been great thus far. We still work with all of her docs trying to make improvements. This is truly the hardest thing I've ever been through, and I'm not even the one who has the illness. I can't imagine what it must be like to actually be the one going through it. Recently, God has started moving! Things are happening, and the instances are too frequent and too "divine" to just be coincidences. I have really felt th

Spiritual awakening. A removal of the wall of interfereance between the divine and my heart. That's how I think of it... A veil was lifted. Lifted by obedienced of sin confessed. Sin dragged into the light kicking and screaming... Threatening me even! I was lifted also by feasting on the word of God. Then, all that seemed to have been gained... just dropped away... in 24 short little hours. What happened?! "what am I doing wrong?! I screamed out as I walked out in the freezing cold night air. God answered my pain. I took my eyes off of Jesus! My life, in 24 hours, had become all about me. What "I" want. What do "I"; need to do to fix my situation? You know, "since God wasn't doing anything." But all the "me" focus did was cause more pain. I was trying to walk on water, Jesus invited me afterall, but I took my eyes off of him. I instantly plunged into the icy waters of pain. So what do I need to do? I need to keep myself focused on J