"Till death do us part." I figured, if I said this... I should also lay down my life for my wife. Every day. Every moment. Sacrifice myself, if that's what she needs. It sounded noble.
That's what I've been trying to do for some time now. Yes, there will be times when what I want or feel like doing need to take the back seat. Her health issues may require a change in "my" plans. But for too long, I've pretended that I am some sort of love robot. Just dial in the "service" mode and turn the robot on. It has an endless power supply. Never needs servicing. Never needs anything for itself. At least this is how I was operating in life.
I didn't honestly think that I was a robot, void of any rest or recreation requirement. I tell my patients' families to make sure they take care of themselves. Spend a little time each day relaxing and doing something they enjoy so that they can recharge as they are taking care of their hospitalized family member. Yet, I seemed to ignore this advice in my life. It took it's toll. It killed my ability to experience joy, fun, and hope. It hindered me from loving my wife. I wasn't in a place to act out of kindness and love. I was tired and snippy.
I knew I needed to take time for "me" activities. Yet, I always felt guilty for having fun or being away. This was no cause of Vanessa's actions or words. She ALWAYS told me that I should go... have some "David" time. I just couldn't seem to shake the feeling of guilt. I did have some "me" time. Occasionally, I'd wake up at 5:30 in the morning and go to the Village Inn or some other crappy breakfast place and read or blog. I can't feel guilty for not being at home if she is asleep! This didn't solve my underlying problem of guilt, but it did recharge me. It felt great to be out in the city. No traffic. No people. Only a hint of light as the sun approached my horizon. Crisp still air. Radiohead in my ears.
I went to a Christian counselor, a PhD. She gave me instructions. She reaffirmed what Vanessa has always told me. GO! Be David. Do David-type things! She gave me instructions of what to do with the feelings of guilt. First she asked me, "Who gives you the guilt? God or the enemy?" Guilt if given from God is in the form of recognition of a sin, which is meant to lead to repentance. I had committed no sin by taking an hour for a run. Hitting the golf course. Hanging with a buddy. Etc. I acknowledged my guilt was the enemy trying to wear me down. Of course, you can over do this, ignoring your spouse. But that wasn't where I was. I was ignoring myself! "What do we need? ... Not to neglect our own needs while devoting ourselves to those of others, and not to neglet the needs of others while being engrossed in our own." - Francois Fenelon
She also gave me a book. "Pure Pleasure". The author describes in many ways why enjoying worldly pleasures is an essential part of a balanced Christian life. This does not mean indulging in illicit pleasures. Rather, enjoying the world that God created in a way that is glorifying to God. The book spends a good deal of time helping people try to identify what pleasures God has designed them especially to enjoy.
I remember thinking back to some past blogs I've written in which I felt like I found part of myself that had been missing or completely ignored for months or even years. The activities enjoyed that made me feel like me included reading in a coffee shop, listening to music I like, golf, time with my guy friends, and time in solitude. You might think, "but David, you go to Double Shot for coffee every day?!" Ahh.... yes, but it wasn't in time alone as it used to be. I need more time to reflect... introspect and process. I need to listen to my music, read. These things stimulate my imagination.
Now I try and make a point to have more David time. Not excessive. I also make it a point to ditch the guilt. Call out the lies of the enemy that were trying to control me by tricking me into feeling so bad. It has made a huge difference. Though I'm not yet perfect at this... I do respond to my wife with more love, kindness, tenderness than before. I feel more joy. Hope has reappeared. When a horrible day comes, I am strong and ready to handle it. I am a better person and a better spouse. Guilt free.
David
UPDATE: It's been a few weeks since I posted the above. I still battle the tendency towards guilt. Example: I had told Van that I was going to go to the driving range after work because it was such a beautiful day. She calls me around four o'clock and asks if I could drive out to the mall after work. She wanted me to look at a dress she was trying on. We almost got into an argument about it, because I didn't know how to handle my feelings. On one hand, I felt I should drop the golf plans and support and help my wife. "What's more important David? Golf or your wife? If you tell her you can't because you are going golfing she will feel hurt and unloved." THAT'S WHAT RUNS THROUGH MY MIND! The other thing on my mind was how I made plans for "David time" and that I should keep it, and she can figure out if the dress is something she wants to purchase or not. I proceed to try and tell her how to handle the dress... buy it, don't buy it, buy it and return it if you don't end up liking it. She felt stuck and wanted to know what I thought. Now, I still contend, she could have figured it out on her own, but if she wanted my opinion and it was a viable option... why shouldn't I?
So then, why could I not just drop by the mall THEN go golf? I didn't want to do this because if I drop by the mall before I golf, it may mean I won't get home till 8pm. Then I WILL feel guilty for not being there after she hasn't seen me all day. THANKFULLY the elevator cut off our call and I had time to process what was actually happening. I call her back when I regained signal, and I said... "Honey, I was feeling guilty if my golf runs later because I came to the mall. But that's silly. I'm on my way to the mall (3 miles from the course), and I'm going to go golfing after that. This means I will be home around eight o'clock tonight if that's okay." It was. I went to the mall. I gave her my two cents on the dress... She looked amazing. Sexy. But, I agreed with her, it was too sexy for most occasions she wears a dress for.... weddings, church, funerals, date's to the ballet, etc. She didn't get the dress... but we ate dinner at the mall. I went golfing on the PERFECT evening. First nine holes of the year. Shot a 38. Made it home by 8:15... GUILT FREE! We had a lovely night and went to bed.
FORGET THE GUILT.
David
That's what I've been trying to do for some time now. Yes, there will be times when what I want or feel like doing need to take the back seat. Her health issues may require a change in "my" plans. But for too long, I've pretended that I am some sort of love robot. Just dial in the "service" mode and turn the robot on. It has an endless power supply. Never needs servicing. Never needs anything for itself. At least this is how I was operating in life.
I didn't honestly think that I was a robot, void of any rest or recreation requirement. I tell my patients' families to make sure they take care of themselves. Spend a little time each day relaxing and doing something they enjoy so that they can recharge as they are taking care of their hospitalized family member. Yet, I seemed to ignore this advice in my life. It took it's toll. It killed my ability to experience joy, fun, and hope. It hindered me from loving my wife. I wasn't in a place to act out of kindness and love. I was tired and snippy.
I knew I needed to take time for "me" activities. Yet, I always felt guilty for having fun or being away. This was no cause of Vanessa's actions or words. She ALWAYS told me that I should go... have some "David" time. I just couldn't seem to shake the feeling of guilt. I did have some "me" time. Occasionally, I'd wake up at 5:30 in the morning and go to the Village Inn or some other crappy breakfast place and read or blog. I can't feel guilty for not being at home if she is asleep! This didn't solve my underlying problem of guilt, but it did recharge me. It felt great to be out in the city. No traffic. No people. Only a hint of light as the sun approached my horizon. Crisp still air. Radiohead in my ears.
I went to a Christian counselor, a PhD. She gave me instructions. She reaffirmed what Vanessa has always told me. GO! Be David. Do David-type things! She gave me instructions of what to do with the feelings of guilt. First she asked me, "Who gives you the guilt? God or the enemy?" Guilt if given from God is in the form of recognition of a sin, which is meant to lead to repentance. I had committed no sin by taking an hour for a run. Hitting the golf course. Hanging with a buddy. Etc. I acknowledged my guilt was the enemy trying to wear me down. Of course, you can over do this, ignoring your spouse. But that wasn't where I was. I was ignoring myself! "What do we need? ... Not to neglect our own needs while devoting ourselves to those of others, and not to neglet the needs of others while being engrossed in our own." - Francois Fenelon
She also gave me a book. "Pure Pleasure". The author describes in many ways why enjoying worldly pleasures is an essential part of a balanced Christian life. This does not mean indulging in illicit pleasures. Rather, enjoying the world that God created in a way that is glorifying to God. The book spends a good deal of time helping people try to identify what pleasures God has designed them especially to enjoy.
I remember thinking back to some past blogs I've written in which I felt like I found part of myself that had been missing or completely ignored for months or even years. The activities enjoyed that made me feel like me included reading in a coffee shop, listening to music I like, golf, time with my guy friends, and time in solitude. You might think, "but David, you go to Double Shot for coffee every day?!" Ahh.... yes, but it wasn't in time alone as it used to be. I need more time to reflect... introspect and process. I need to listen to my music, read. These things stimulate my imagination.
Now I try and make a point to have more David time. Not excessive. I also make it a point to ditch the guilt. Call out the lies of the enemy that were trying to control me by tricking me into feeling so bad. It has made a huge difference. Though I'm not yet perfect at this... I do respond to my wife with more love, kindness, tenderness than before. I feel more joy. Hope has reappeared. When a horrible day comes, I am strong and ready to handle it. I am a better person and a better spouse. Guilt free.
David
UPDATE: It's been a few weeks since I posted the above. I still battle the tendency towards guilt. Example: I had told Van that I was going to go to the driving range after work because it was such a beautiful day. She calls me around four o'clock and asks if I could drive out to the mall after work. She wanted me to look at a dress she was trying on. We almost got into an argument about it, because I didn't know how to handle my feelings. On one hand, I felt I should drop the golf plans and support and help my wife. "What's more important David? Golf or your wife? If you tell her you can't because you are going golfing she will feel hurt and unloved." THAT'S WHAT RUNS THROUGH MY MIND! The other thing on my mind was how I made plans for "David time" and that I should keep it, and she can figure out if the dress is something she wants to purchase or not. I proceed to try and tell her how to handle the dress... buy it, don't buy it, buy it and return it if you don't end up liking it. She felt stuck and wanted to know what I thought. Now, I still contend, she could have figured it out on her own, but if she wanted my opinion and it was a viable option... why shouldn't I?
So then, why could I not just drop by the mall THEN go golf? I didn't want to do this because if I drop by the mall before I golf, it may mean I won't get home till 8pm. Then I WILL feel guilty for not being there after she hasn't seen me all day. THANKFULLY the elevator cut off our call and I had time to process what was actually happening. I call her back when I regained signal, and I said... "Honey, I was feeling guilty if my golf runs later because I came to the mall. But that's silly. I'm on my way to the mall (3 miles from the course), and I'm going to go golfing after that. This means I will be home around eight o'clock tonight if that's okay." It was. I went to the mall. I gave her my two cents on the dress... She looked amazing. Sexy. But, I agreed with her, it was too sexy for most occasions she wears a dress for.... weddings, church, funerals, date's to the ballet, etc. She didn't get the dress... but we ate dinner at the mall. I went golfing on the PERFECT evening. First nine holes of the year. Shot a 38. Made it home by 8:15... GUILT FREE! We had a lovely night and went to bed.
FORGET THE GUILT.
David
Loved the update :)
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