First off, thank you Tyler for being obedient to the Holy Spirit's call to minister to me. Thank you to the Holy Spirit for working good when my wife to had a sudden onset of terrible pain... yes that's right, I thanked God in my wife's pain today. I was playing tennis with Tyler, and my wife called with some of the worst abdominal pain she's experienced in weeks and its suddenness scared her. She was crying, and it was evident my tennis date needs to be cut short. I head home to comfort her... Later, Tyler texts me asking me if he could pick me up dinner.
Long story short, Tyler comes over and we have conversations about God and life that wouldn't have happened if not for my wife's sudden pain ending our tennis game. Conversation that was much needed, and the Holy Spirit ministered to me during the conversations.
"So, what did God say to you?" you ask. The Holy Spirit reminded me of when He confronted me in ophthalmology clinic during med school... showing me that I was not really putting God first. I wanted "MY dreams" in life... and I rejected God's plan for my life, because I couldn't be assured that it would be free of pain and suffering. I was horrified that I had been lying to myself for years, (there I am crying in the middle of clinic) and that I had been putting my desires in front of God's plan in my life... It took some doing, but I finally mustered up the scared... "Okay, God... I will pursue and marry someone of your choosing... I cannot see the future and select the right mate... I will go where you choose even if it means a life filled with pain and suffering caused by my wife's actions or health problems"
That's right... I said "health problems". God actually confronted me and asked me "will you follow me even if the woman I choose for you suffers from chronic health problems that interfere with your dreams for life?" And I said, yes.
Fast forward to now... God actually did give me a wonderful wife... and she did develop terrible health problems and they have severely changed the way we live life (for now at least). Many of my dreams are on hold. She may get better... she might not get better. Only God knows. Now that God's challenge is actually here, not only do I have to tell him "yes I'll continue to go where you lead"... I actually have to be joyful there. I have to put Him first and trust Him.
The past year or so has been the most difficult and painful year of my life... I feel like i've been straining against a swiftly moving river, struggling to swim upstream... I'm getting tired, and I'm losing ground. I feel like i'm drowning... I wish at times that death would just swallow us up so we can have peace and no more suffering. but it doesn't work that way.
In the previous post, God delivered Isaiah 43 to me to minister to my heart.
"Don't think about the past. "I am creating something new. There it is! Do you see it? I have put roads in deserts, streams in thirsty lands."
What this year has been about is God creating something new... in me, in my wife, in our marriage! I don't know all that God is doing exactly, but He wants me to put him first, rejoice everyday, and trust him. Trusting him means I should stop worrying all the time, stop swimming up river. I am to get in the raft he provides and put my feet up on the bow, recline, and rest... allowing him to take me where he takes me, trusting Him all the way. Even though I don't know what God is going to accomplish thru this... I do know it will be for His glory. And he will comfort us, and draw us nearer to each other and nearer to Him... making us more like his son, Jesus.
Why has all of this happened? I know God loves me... I also believe God wants me to put him first in my life. I have always been good at everything I've ever tried to do. How do you truly recognize that you need God for every breath, and that you are not in control when you are good at everything you do?! Well, the above is one way... a health condition that seems to defy every bit of understanding that I've acquired over the past 8 years in medicine. The verse in James 4 never made sense until our current situation... James 4 says, "You should know better than to say, 'today or tomorrow we will go to the city. we will do business there for a year and make a lot of money.' What do you know about tomorrow? how can you be so sure about your life? It is nothing more than a mist that appears for only a little while before it disappear. You should say, 'If the Lord lets us live, we will do these things.'"
So that is where I am at... every breath, every smile, every day is a gift from God. Without God, I cannot cure disease at work or home, I cannot wake, I cannot have a good marriage, I cannot feel joy or purpose, I cannot type this, I cannot drive to double shot for coffee. I cannot do anything. I am intimately dependent on God for everything. He sustains me because He loves me.
Is it this way for everyone? I guess I believe God allows many people to go there own way, He sustains their life allowing them to breath and not cease, but for those who have accepted Jesus Christ as their savior are at a different level perhaps... I have accepted Jesus as my savior and I have told God that I want him to be number one in my life... so when I do not put Him as number one, he allows life to happen in such a way that I can see when I am not putting him as my first priority, and the Holy Spirit speaks to me and helps me to reorganize my life, helps me to have faith and to trust God with everything.
Prayer: God, I know I need to put you first, and that I haven't been doing that. I am nothing apart from you. I can't fix my wife's health. I pray that you do... but even if you don't, I will love you and go where you want me to go... I will rejoice every day that you allow me to wake up and breathe. I will serve my wife and love her because you chose me to love her. I pray that you sustain us, give us peace, joy, meaning. I give you my wife because I know you love her more than I am capable of... I give you my dreams for life, family, friends, fun, health... and I joyfully accept whatever you have in store for my life, and I pray that my life be a living sacrifice to you so that when people see me, they see that you are real and that you are love.
My life for your glory.
your son,
david.
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