What is my ultimate goal as a husband? I don’t know if I’ve ever tried to boil it down to a singular primary objective. I’ve always strived to be a “good husband.” This often backfired and led unhealthy efforts to be perfect. I say unhealthy because when I fell short, I would beat myself up. Or, I wouldn’t even face my problem or admit to it. I would look past it and think, “I’ll just try harder to be perfect.” I would keep parts of myself hidden from my wife, until I've achieved and sustained perfection... it never happened.
My primary objective to be a "good husband" got in the way of being completely real and intimate with my wife because no man can ever be perfect. I’m the sort who will always set the bar for “good” just beyond my last great accomplishment.
Recently my wife was disappointed because there was no reasonable way for her to make a concert that she really wanted to go see. Theoretically we could go. But it far beyond my comfort level to make it happen. It was just too much, too close together. Had it been a bucket list band for me, I still would not have gone. It was just too much. So, she was disappointed and I was destroyed! I mean to say I felt I had dealt my wife the disappointment of a life time and that she would never recover. It felt like I ruined her life. Would she still love me? She insisted, “I’m disappointed. I’ve been disappointed before… I’ll get over it.”
Through this experience I realized that I had been making my wife’s happiness one of my primary objectives. This is not the best idea. Here’s why… Happiness as we usually define it boils down to getting our way. What do we desire? Comfort, ease, and pleasure. These are certainly enjoyable, but they lead to no real growth and have nothing to do with love. Plus, if that is my definition, then at all cost I must pursue it or I am a failure as a husband. The price for this kind of living can be very high.
Life is not fair. Life will deal you a rough hand from time to time. There will be periods in life where happiness will not be near. Also, two people can be in the same circumstance and one may be happy and the other not. A huge factor in one’s happiness is up to the individual’s response to life. Do they carry a perspective of gratitude for the blessings and acceptance of the discomforts or hardships? if they do they’re more likely to feel happy. If not, they are responsible for their emotion.
Realization: One can be at the same time disappointed with the hardships of life and yet feel completely loved at the very same time.
If my primary objective remains to be making my wife happy, I am taking on a responsibility that isn't mine to begin with... and for which many things are out of my control. I may actually be setting myself up to not only be disappointed and unhappy myself, but I may even be poisoning the well of our marriage.
My new primary objective: try to make my wife feel loved. Husbands, we may love our wives deeply, but our actions and words may not communicate that in a way that she can understand. So, I need to work to discover and implement the actions and words that help her to feel just how much she matters to me. That she is completely accepted and completely cherished. That I celebrate and am enthralled by the realization that I get to spend my entire life loving her.
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