My wife and I had determined that her health was doing well enough that we could finally take that European vacation of which we had been dreaming. So, we started planning. But during this long planning period is when the colitis came back. Though the steroids were started and it treated the colitis well, it sort of angered her abdominal migraines a bit. So, it left me feeling quite uncertain and fearful of traveling internationally where we had less access to health care. My mind started flooding with "what if's". What if she needed to be hospitalized? What if she had a horrible abdominal migraine attack? What if the customs officials didn't like us bringing all this medicine into there country and it was confiscated? What if someone stole her medication while we were out of the room? WHAT IF?!
I was overwhelmed with anxiety thinking of all of this. So much so that I thought, "Vacations are supposed to be fun. This is NOT fun. We should just cancel this trip! It's not worth it." But at the same time, we had already invested money into the trip. Vanessa was feeling okay about going. And I'll admit, that the probability of all these calamities to be very low, yet... WHAT IF?!
Honestly, it felt like my emotions were way out of proportion to reality. But I couldn't shake these feelings. Was this a spiritual attack? Maybe... but why? Why would the enemy want to deter us from going on a trip. A vacation is just for pleasure, its meaningless... right?
Through some further introspection, prayer, insight from friends, wife, and our counselor who has hepled to guide us through our period of testing and into a deeper trust of God. It became clear. Going on this trip would weakened my power (or my perceived power), by weakening my influence to help guide my wife through the medical system, should problems arise. But going on a trip out of the country does NOT weaken the provision of God our provider. Taking this trip meant I had to trust God... not myself. I had to trust that God would guide us to any and everything we could need while out of the country. This is where I struggled. I had enough trust in the past that WITH God I would be okay... but now the challenge was "ON God, will I trust?"
My wise friend Eric believed he thought the trip was important. We were planning on trying to have a family in the future, but having a child is unlike a trip, as you cannot cancel a baby. He felt this trip would be a good stepping stone in trusting God when we are more vulnerable. I agreed with his point. So, we kept our plans to go on the trip. Eric is an amazing friend. During our trip he drank a can of my favorite sparkling water, daily, to remind him to pray for us while out of the country. Just knowing he was committing to this prayer daily inspired peace that God is constant as well.
So, we went. This would hopefully be a successful 18 day European adventure! Thank you God, as Vanessa's health was maintained. Her endurance maintained. And... the trip... was epic! In many ways this trip seemed to be more profound than our honeymoon. We have been through so much! The bonds of love had grown. There had been such tough times... and now this trip felt like a true celebration. A celebration of our love... and God's love... and his provision.
My mother talks of a trip she took with my dad back when they were still fairly newly weds. They went out of the country to Columbia. Though this was 30 plus years ago, she has very strong and good memories of this trip. I think this will be our trip. We will reflect on the adventure, the fun, challenges, intimacy, and beauty... for the rest of our lives.
To help us remember all that we enjoyed on this vacation gift from God our loving father... I decided to journal about it. Recounting as much of the memories as I can.
David
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