Pounding my fist into my steering wheel, over and over. Face contorted from anger and deep anguish. I shout out at the top of my lungs, “heal us or kill us God. HEAL US OR KILL US!!” I drive home from work to tend to my wife. Yet another abdominal migraine complicating her severe post-infectious IBS. Who thought it could ever be this bad?! It’s SO bad. A few years back, I missed recognizing her acute appendicitis... because it’s so often, THAT severe.
It’s been three years now. The pendulum of health swings back and forth, from good... to hell. But its an irregular swing, defying Newtonian physics, spending too much time on the side of the bad. When things change for the better, our hopes and joys fly, soaring for the heavens from which they came. “She’s getting better, normal life just around the corner!” Then, often with little warning, things turn for the worse. Our dreams fall. When they fall, they fall hard... shattering to millions of bleeding pieces. Our hopes of having a family, or just existing in simple happiness... bleeding out, till death.
I find myself questioning God's goodness. Not just a theoretical train of thought... but a hard look. One that could completely change the course of my life... Because if God is real AND continues to allow my wife to suffer like this... How could he be good?! I’ve based my whole life on my belief that He is real and that He is good. Have I been led astray? My mind mulls over the many instances I had believed to be “from God” leading us to the alter. It seemed to real to be a coincidence.... This is where he led me.
I get that he cares more about glorifying himself through our lives, than he cares about our comfort. I can see it is good for Vanessa to have me to support and take care of her... But I sort of feel like God threw me under the bus. "well, I need to help Vanessa... I'll sacrifice David's life. His dreams aren't important. He can suffer... no biggie."
The worst part isn't even missing out on our dreams of having a family... It's watching my wife suffer! She’s amazing. She is sweet, tender, a pure and selfless heart. She has wonderful dreams. She deserves a beautiful life. Not this.
We are both imprisoned by her pain and nausea. How can God be glorified when we are isolated in this prison of disease?? People are on the outside, looking in on us as we cling to our God... calling on Him for deliverance, for healing. If he doesn’t deliver us... won’t our lives prove he doesn’t care?! Or that he’s not good?? or not all powerful??
C.S. Lewis, in describing our “good” God in the face of the problem of pain says that, God is not some senile benevolent grandfather, who just wants to see his children “have a good time.” and thus give us our every heart’s desire. It’s possible that our very dreams may not only be against God’s will, but could send us straight to hell. A good earthly father does not give his child what he or she asks, if it will lead to their demise. God’s standards are even higher.
From my pain, I asked my cousin Vince if God was good, even in this situation.
This is some of his reply:
“He does know what is best for you (Himself) and at this point in your life He has put this cross [cross = a burdensome call on one’s life for the purpose of glorifying God] on Vanessa and you; and will continue to do so until His will is done (whatever that may be) and which could conceivably be accomplished at the point of your death. Can you accept that possibility? Can you still find it in your heart to offer up: obedience to His Word; thanks when you are able; your commitment to your (His) marriage?
I imagine the answer to those questions is “yes”. If it is, then you are giving glory to God; probably you are giving more glory to God than if all was going well for you. We do tend to forget God when things are going well, and when things are going bad He tends to get the blame.
Many people by now would have given up, but you have hope not only for a cure (which I wasn’t encouraging you to completely give up on – only to pray primarily for cross management for the two of you), but that can earn more treasure for yourself in heaven by accepting this cross and offering up your sufferings to the Father through His Son.
From my perspective you are a figure not unlike Job which is probably pretty scary to you, but is a source of Christian admiration and comfort to me in your being so steadfast in Faith. You are in my prayers daily and I wish there was more that I could do. Vince.”
He’s right. It is pretty scary. Job was completely abused by Satan. Raped by him if you will... his entire world just crashed down in a blazing fire... meanwhile, God stood by and allowed it all. Thankfully, before I got Vince’s email... I got another piece of encouragement from my friend Justin. The Holy Spirit moved in my friend to share these lyrics at the precise moment I came home from work and was holding and crying with my wife... it was an odd time for me to be home from work. He couldn’t have suspected it. But the timing was entirely perfect. The song: “Praise You In This Storm” Lyrics by Mark Hall
I was sure by now,God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
(complete lyrics and song)
When I read these words, pregnant tears poured down from my face, birthing a release of pain and a new life of peace. I remembered more words shouted at God from my car, just a day prior: “Do something! Do something to let us know you are here!! We need you God! We need more of you, we need to see your face. I need to know you are here!”
It was clear. God is with us. He even weeps with us. (John 11:33, 35) And, though it is still raining in our life’s storm, he is who he is. GOD! He is all powerful; above and beyond this world; more holy than holy. Despite his greatness, he knows everything about me, my lowly sinful weak self. He even loves me. Who am I to second guess you God? I don’t deserve a thing. When compared to Him, I am nothing. Anything good he gives me is a miracle. Pure gift.
My prayer:
God, I will lift my hands and praise you. From the middle of this heart tearing storm. I will praise you because you are God. I am your servant. Who am I to tell you how to be glorified?! This is the life you gave me, therefore I am yours. My mission: to love my wife more than myself, and to love you more than my wife. For, there is no greater love than for me to offer up everything in my life, to you... for your glory. Do with me as you wish.
God, I praise you for answer my cry. I praise you for raising up my cousin Vince and filling him with wisdom. I praise you for leading my friend Justin to be filled with the Holy Spirit and heed his call to action. I praise you. Amen.
What God did, for me and in me, was profound. Answers to prayer. A lesson that will translate to a thousand situations. A lesson that can shape the rest of my life. Peace and joy that transcends circumstance. He is real. He is good.
David
Key Verses:
Isiaih 55:9 God says, “My thoughts and My ways are higher than yours.”
2 corinthians 4:17 "for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."
John 15:2 (ESV) “Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.”
John 15:13 (ESV) “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”
Philip 4:13 “Christ gives me the strength to face anything.”
Philip 2:13 "God is working in you to make you willing and able to obey him."
Psalm 42:5 (ESV) “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation.”
Psalms 42:11 “Why am I discouraged? Why am I restless? I trust you! and I will praise you again because you help me, and you are my God.”
John 11:33, 35 (ESV) “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. [And] Jesus wept.”
It’s been three years now. The pendulum of health swings back and forth, from good... to hell. But its an irregular swing, defying Newtonian physics, spending too much time on the side of the bad. When things change for the better, our hopes and joys fly, soaring for the heavens from which they came. “She’s getting better, normal life just around the corner!” Then, often with little warning, things turn for the worse. Our dreams fall. When they fall, they fall hard... shattering to millions of bleeding pieces. Our hopes of having a family, or just existing in simple happiness... bleeding out, till death.
I find myself questioning God's goodness. Not just a theoretical train of thought... but a hard look. One that could completely change the course of my life... Because if God is real AND continues to allow my wife to suffer like this... How could he be good?! I’ve based my whole life on my belief that He is real and that He is good. Have I been led astray? My mind mulls over the many instances I had believed to be “from God” leading us to the alter. It seemed to real to be a coincidence.... This is where he led me.
I get that he cares more about glorifying himself through our lives, than he cares about our comfort. I can see it is good for Vanessa to have me to support and take care of her... But I sort of feel like God threw me under the bus. "well, I need to help Vanessa... I'll sacrifice David's life. His dreams aren't important. He can suffer... no biggie."
The worst part isn't even missing out on our dreams of having a family... It's watching my wife suffer! She’s amazing. She is sweet, tender, a pure and selfless heart. She has wonderful dreams. She deserves a beautiful life. Not this.
We are both imprisoned by her pain and nausea. How can God be glorified when we are isolated in this prison of disease?? People are on the outside, looking in on us as we cling to our God... calling on Him for deliverance, for healing. If he doesn’t deliver us... won’t our lives prove he doesn’t care?! Or that he’s not good?? or not all powerful??
C.S. Lewis, in describing our “good” God in the face of the problem of pain says that, God is not some senile benevolent grandfather, who just wants to see his children “have a good time.” and thus give us our every heart’s desire. It’s possible that our very dreams may not only be against God’s will, but could send us straight to hell. A good earthly father does not give his child what he or she asks, if it will lead to their demise. God’s standards are even higher.
From my pain, I asked my cousin Vince if God was good, even in this situation.
This is some of his reply:
“He does know what is best for you (Himself) and at this point in your life He has put this cross [cross = a burdensome call on one’s life for the purpose of glorifying God] on Vanessa and you; and will continue to do so until His will is done (whatever that may be) and which could conceivably be accomplished at the point of your death. Can you accept that possibility? Can you still find it in your heart to offer up: obedience to His Word; thanks when you are able; your commitment to your (His) marriage?
I imagine the answer to those questions is “yes”. If it is, then you are giving glory to God; probably you are giving more glory to God than if all was going well for you. We do tend to forget God when things are going well, and when things are going bad He tends to get the blame.
Many people by now would have given up, but you have hope not only for a cure (which I wasn’t encouraging you to completely give up on – only to pray primarily for cross management for the two of you), but that can earn more treasure for yourself in heaven by accepting this cross and offering up your sufferings to the Father through His Son.
From my perspective you are a figure not unlike Job which is probably pretty scary to you, but is a source of Christian admiration and comfort to me in your being so steadfast in Faith. You are in my prayers daily and I wish there was more that I could do. Vince.”
He’s right. It is pretty scary. Job was completely abused by Satan. Raped by him if you will... his entire world just crashed down in a blazing fire... meanwhile, God stood by and allowed it all. Thankfully, before I got Vince’s email... I got another piece of encouragement from my friend Justin. The Holy Spirit moved in my friend to share these lyrics at the precise moment I came home from work and was holding and crying with my wife... it was an odd time for me to be home from work. He couldn’t have suspected it. But the timing was entirely perfect. The song: “Praise You In This Storm” Lyrics by Mark Hall
I was sure by now,God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.
Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
(complete lyrics and song)
When I read these words, pregnant tears poured down from my face, birthing a release of pain and a new life of peace. I remembered more words shouted at God from my car, just a day prior: “Do something! Do something to let us know you are here!! We need you God! We need more of you, we need to see your face. I need to know you are here!”
It was clear. God is with us. He even weeps with us. (John 11:33, 35) And, though it is still raining in our life’s storm, he is who he is. GOD! He is all powerful; above and beyond this world; more holy than holy. Despite his greatness, he knows everything about me, my lowly sinful weak self. He even loves me. Who am I to second guess you God? I don’t deserve a thing. When compared to Him, I am nothing. Anything good he gives me is a miracle. Pure gift.
My prayer:
God, I will lift my hands and praise you. From the middle of this heart tearing storm. I will praise you because you are God. I am your servant. Who am I to tell you how to be glorified?! This is the life you gave me, therefore I am yours. My mission: to love my wife more than myself, and to love you more than my wife. For, there is no greater love than for me to offer up everything in my life, to you... for your glory. Do with me as you wish.
God, I praise you for answer my cry. I praise you for raising up my cousin Vince and filling him with wisdom. I praise you for leading my friend Justin to be filled with the Holy Spirit and heed his call to action. I praise you. Amen.
What God did, for me and in me, was profound. Answers to prayer. A lesson that will translate to a thousand situations. A lesson that can shape the rest of my life. Peace and joy that transcends circumstance. He is real. He is good.
David
Key Verses:
Isiaih 55:9 God says, “My thoughts and My ways are higher than yours.”
2 corinthians 4:17 "for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."
John 15:2 (ESV) “Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.”
John 15:13 (ESV) “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”
Philip 4:13 “Christ gives me the strength to face anything.”
Philip 2:13 "God is working in you to make you willing and able to obey him."
Psalm 42:5 (ESV) “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation.”
Psalms 42:11 “Why am I discouraged? Why am I restless? I trust you! and I will praise you again because you help me, and you are my God.”
John 11:33, 35 (ESV) “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. [And] Jesus wept.”
Good word Dave, pain is obviously not something we tend to like. But it is amazing to watch how God can and will bring good from pain. He will be glorified with or without us, hopefully we choose to join Him. Praying for you and Van.
ReplyDeleteAngi Bruss Gavin