At times, I exhaust. Everything spent... the trial weighing too heavy. It's too much to bare. Such was this past Sunday.
It was a good Saturday, and a wonderful Saturday night! We enjoyed getting out of the house that evening. Nothing special to many, but to us any time we are able to enjoy an evening... it is amazing. No, we didn't paint the town red. Simply, a trip to Target, then to Mod's for some gelato. It was bliss. Later, we lay in bed holding each other... kissing... laughing... pure heaven. Then at 1:00 am, a hell-storm of pain hit my angel. She in agony and I in anguish we wait for medication to kick in. Ninety minutes later, the storm mostly subsided, my angel drifting to sleep under a haze of narcotics. It is hard to watch, and I cannot imagine how much harder it is to endure directly.
The following morning I wept bitterly. Memories of the night before. Seeing my sweetest wife groggy and severely nauseated after the rough early morning hour's, trial I shouted at God. "God are you really there? Do you really care? Are you ever going to do anything about this?! Why would you let such a terrible thing happen to such a sweet and amazing woman?!" My heart was crushed and I felt so hopeless. Everything in life is utterly meaningless to me now. The only thing that matters is the one thing I am powerless to change. My wife's health. "God restore my wife to life!"
God did answer my prayers, but not as I had hoped. No, he hasn't yet led my wife's body to complete health... but He did remind me that his ways are higher... and that he loves us. And he is not in the business of wasting hurts. It's quite possible that I cannot even fathom the ways he is going to use our trials to shape our futures for the better. To change the lives of others. Possibly our future children, my future patients, or the lives and eternal souls of my friends and family. The ripple effect of God's perfect plan to change lives and ultimately bring glory to himself can be more profound than I can ever know. But in the mean time, he asks us to trust him... and reminds me, his primary goal isn't our immediate comfort. His plan includes the bigger picture, for his kingdom. He has a mission for us both. It isn't an easy one. But the Bible never says life is going to be easy. In fact some of the greatest characters in the Bible were pushed to the very limit.
----
Recently, I have found encouragement in the faith of another. A friend of a friend. A vivacious young woman who was recently diagnosed with stage III brain cancer. To the news of this diagnosis, she reacted with a very God centered response. She didn't voice a "why me?" or a "I can't handle this" she responded with a "I am honored that God would entrust such a serious condition to me." Not one ounce of that statement has anything to do with her... her life, her dreams, her future. Yet, her response had everything to do with God being glorified through her life... through her response to a great and terrible trial.
I am facing a great and terrible trial... Am I more concerned with my comfort? or am I more interested in God positively impacting the lives of others and being glorified through my life? This may be the hardest thing i've ever been through... but I choose to be God's instrument for his glory. I may never know the full extent of his plan till reaching eternity. But one thing that I know for sure... He has been by our side through this entire thing. Loving us both. He will see us through.
David.
It was a good Saturday, and a wonderful Saturday night! We enjoyed getting out of the house that evening. Nothing special to many, but to us any time we are able to enjoy an evening... it is amazing. No, we didn't paint the town red. Simply, a trip to Target, then to Mod's for some gelato. It was bliss. Later, we lay in bed holding each other... kissing... laughing... pure heaven. Then at 1:00 am, a hell-storm of pain hit my angel. She in agony and I in anguish we wait for medication to kick in. Ninety minutes later, the storm mostly subsided, my angel drifting to sleep under a haze of narcotics. It is hard to watch, and I cannot imagine how much harder it is to endure directly.
The following morning I wept bitterly. Memories of the night before. Seeing my sweetest wife groggy and severely nauseated after the rough early morning hour's, trial I shouted at God. "God are you really there? Do you really care? Are you ever going to do anything about this?! Why would you let such a terrible thing happen to such a sweet and amazing woman?!" My heart was crushed and I felt so hopeless. Everything in life is utterly meaningless to me now. The only thing that matters is the one thing I am powerless to change. My wife's health. "God restore my wife to life!"
God did answer my prayers, but not as I had hoped. No, he hasn't yet led my wife's body to complete health... but He did remind me that his ways are higher... and that he loves us. And he is not in the business of wasting hurts. It's quite possible that I cannot even fathom the ways he is going to use our trials to shape our futures for the better. To change the lives of others. Possibly our future children, my future patients, or the lives and eternal souls of my friends and family. The ripple effect of God's perfect plan to change lives and ultimately bring glory to himself can be more profound than I can ever know. But in the mean time, he asks us to trust him... and reminds me, his primary goal isn't our immediate comfort. His plan includes the bigger picture, for his kingdom. He has a mission for us both. It isn't an easy one. But the Bible never says life is going to be easy. In fact some of the greatest characters in the Bible were pushed to the very limit.
----
Recently, I have found encouragement in the faith of another. A friend of a friend. A vivacious young woman who was recently diagnosed with stage III brain cancer. To the news of this diagnosis, she reacted with a very God centered response. She didn't voice a "why me?" or a "I can't handle this" she responded with a "I am honored that God would entrust such a serious condition to me." Not one ounce of that statement has anything to do with her... her life, her dreams, her future. Yet, her response had everything to do with God being glorified through her life... through her response to a great and terrible trial.
I am facing a great and terrible trial... Am I more concerned with my comfort? or am I more interested in God positively impacting the lives of others and being glorified through my life? This may be the hardest thing i've ever been through... but I choose to be God's instrument for his glory. I may never know the full extent of his plan till reaching eternity. But one thing that I know for sure... He has been by our side through this entire thing. Loving us both. He will see us through.
David.
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