Dear blog... readers... future children of mine. I can't believe its only been 9 days since i've written something on here. It feels like its been a really long time. Life feels like it goes by so slow when you are hoping for change... but so fast at the same time. How is it almost September?
I've heard older folk say, "life goes by faster as you get older." I guess I am older... but I'm only 32! I hate to see what life is like when I'm 70. I probably get up from the dinner table to go take a dump, and by the time I get back... I'm 75 and several of my friends have died from cancer or heart attacks.
Sorry about that introductory paragraph. I am not entirely sure where it came from... but it probably has something to do with my job. Every day, I come into contact with 12-18 people, most of whom are at the very end stages of life and facing a potentially life ending or life debilitating problem. Cerebrovascular accidents... strokes. It's pretty depressing. Six months into it, I felt like I couldn't keep doing my job. It was really hard on me emotionally. If I could be honest with my patients I could have probably said stuff like, "Yah old man... that's right. I can keep you alive, but you won't ever walk again. You'll be fed through a tube... and other people will change your diaper after you sit in your own feces for about 4 hours. OR I can be less aggressive and you can just die." I talked about this with my mom. She reminded me that God put me there for a purpose, and that very simple things such as smiling and being a bright spot in someone's day might make the extremely difficult and painful process they are going through a little less terrible.
Her advice has helped. I can actually do my job. I no longer have thoughts of stopping. I find it enjoyable to bring a smile out of my patients with my smile, my humor... and for the ladies... my charm ;-)... Seriously, some of those 80 year old gals think i'm pretty hot stuff. Or they just call me "Doogie" and ask "are you old enough to be my doctor?" to which I reply, "aren't you too old to be alive?" (just kidding, i haven't said that yet... maybe tomorrow.)
The real topic I meant to blog about was transparency. As most of you know, life has been pretty difficult for me... Chronic health issues my sweet wife is dealing with... and all the emotional, spiritual, and life ramifications of it. My previous blog was pretty transparent, but there are so many more thoughts, emotions, etc that I experience and have thought to blog about... but can't.
CS Lewis described how people tend to think of themselves as "basically good" but in God's eyes, who is without any darkness, flaw, or sin... he is perfect love, our "basically good" isn't what it seems. If a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link, then people are only as "good" as our worst thought or impulse. That being said, I doubt many people even recognize their darkest impulse or thought. Fortunately or unfortunately, since I read CS Lewis, I do. I now acknowledge that I need a transformation of my mind. God is and has been at work doing that very thing. Progress has been made, but more is needed.
david (a.k.a. dngilb)
I've heard older folk say, "life goes by faster as you get older." I guess I am older... but I'm only 32! I hate to see what life is like when I'm 70. I probably get up from the dinner table to go take a dump, and by the time I get back... I'm 75 and several of my friends have died from cancer or heart attacks.
Sorry about that introductory paragraph. I am not entirely sure where it came from... but it probably has something to do with my job. Every day, I come into contact with 12-18 people, most of whom are at the very end stages of life and facing a potentially life ending or life debilitating problem. Cerebrovascular accidents... strokes. It's pretty depressing. Six months into it, I felt like I couldn't keep doing my job. It was really hard on me emotionally. If I could be honest with my patients I could have probably said stuff like, "Yah old man... that's right. I can keep you alive, but you won't ever walk again. You'll be fed through a tube... and other people will change your diaper after you sit in your own feces for about 4 hours. OR I can be less aggressive and you can just die." I talked about this with my mom. She reminded me that God put me there for a purpose, and that very simple things such as smiling and being a bright spot in someone's day might make the extremely difficult and painful process they are going through a little less terrible.
Her advice has helped. I can actually do my job. I no longer have thoughts of stopping. I find it enjoyable to bring a smile out of my patients with my smile, my humor... and for the ladies... my charm ;-)... Seriously, some of those 80 year old gals think i'm pretty hot stuff. Or they just call me "Doogie" and ask "are you old enough to be my doctor?" to which I reply, "aren't you too old to be alive?" (just kidding, i haven't said that yet... maybe tomorrow.)
The real topic I meant to blog about was transparency. As most of you know, life has been pretty difficult for me... Chronic health issues my sweet wife is dealing with... and all the emotional, spiritual, and life ramifications of it. My previous blog was pretty transparent, but there are so many more thoughts, emotions, etc that I experience and have thought to blog about... but can't.
CS Lewis described how people tend to think of themselves as "basically good" but in God's eyes, who is without any darkness, flaw, or sin... he is perfect love, our "basically good" isn't what it seems. If a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link, then people are only as "good" as our worst thought or impulse. That being said, I doubt many people even recognize their darkest impulse or thought. Fortunately or unfortunately, since I read CS Lewis, I do. I now acknowledge that I need a transformation of my mind. God is and has been at work doing that very thing. Progress has been made, but more is needed.
david (a.k.a. dngilb)
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