Yesterday, I experienced an unwanted thought... it was a mental image of me shooting myself. It was fleeting, and I do not want to shoot myself. I do want the heaviness, pain and craziness of life to stop though. I guess that was my subconscious screaming for help.
I took a depression self-test. I didn't score very high, so it suggests I am not depressed. Though I continue to wonder at times if I should try an antidepressant. I wonder if it would help me emotionally deal with the constant pressure I am under, and the constant pain I suffer as a result of watching my sweet wife suffer from her medical condition. It isn't easy to watch the love of your life experience terrible pain on a near daily basis, especially when her subspecialist doctor isn't exactly sure what is causing it, yet. At times I wonder if it is in her head. But between the severity and her daily temperature spikes of 100-100.5 lead me to an easy conclusion of, "no". We just haven't figured it out yet... Well, it is possible we've figured it out, but the therapy for endometriosis takes 3-6 months to do anything, and she is only on month two.
Between watching my wife suffer, and the loss of several aspects of "my life" for the past year and a half... all of this was building up inside of me and eating me alive. I felt that I shouldn't tell my wife how I felt. How do you tell someone you love that what they are going through hurts you so badly that you had mental images of killing yourself?!! At times she feels bad for "ruining" my life. I feared that in sharing, I would be making her feel even worse... But like I said, all of this was building up inside of me and spilling out in ridiculous and hurtful ways. I was a volatile solution of emotions erupting here and there. Finally, I did tell my wife how I felt. Then she told me how that made her feel. We both wept while we embraced. I remember having a feeling of wishing that we could be taken up to heaven together in that very moment. I believe I felt that way because my love for her is greater than the love I have for life, and I am tired of both of us having to suffer. But God's plan requires that we remain here... and persevere.
When I shared with Vanessa how I felt, she explained that she felt like my life had been sacrificed for hers. She was sorry for ruining my life because I would be "happier" if we had never met. but I assured her that God didn't see it as such. I acknowledge my life may have had less or a different type of pain... but we must not look at all pain as bad. Plus, my life would have been near meaningless and I would have been distant from God. I assured her that she is a treasure and I would marry her all over again. Later that day I actually took her rings and re-proposed marriage to her through a stream of tears. God loves ME just as much as he loves her. So, God doesn't see our marriage as "ruining my life in order to save hers" He doesn't see this pain that I am going through as "bad". He is likely still allowing it out of "love". He even asked me if I would follow him into such a darkness prior to our marriage. At that time, I weighed the consequences. A life with God according to his will... or a life of my own choosing. I chose his will.
Romans 8:17 "we share in his suffering in order that we may also share in his glory."
James 1:12 "God will bless you, if you don't give up when your faith is being tested. He will reward you with a glorious life. Just as he rewards everyone who loves him."
When you hurt as bad as I have been lately, those above scriptures aren't exactly what you want to hear. But they do provide some comfort. Comfort that God is in control, isn't going to waste this pain you are going through. My friend Nathan told me, "don't worry about the big picture. God will take care of that. Worry about loving your wife in the very moment. That is your job. So take your wife by the hand and walk boldly into the darkness. and He will lead you into the light."
The Holy Spirit has filled me up again, I feel somewhat refreshed and ready for further journeying into the darkness. When will this end? I don't know. It is imperative that I continue to trust Him and walk with my spouse hand in hand.
Dear God, sustain us... save us... heal us... lead us into the light. I am weak and I need you. I cannot do this without you. I am yours and I will go where you lead, no matter the pain, and I will praise you all the days of my life.
david
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