God is the surgeon.

I remember back to when my wife had her colectomy (Summer 2019).  

I was with her prior to the operation. I was holding her hand in the pre-operative room. She was scared. Rightfully so. A colectomy is irreversible. How will things go? What will life be like? Will she be able to have a BM on a toilet like normal again? Will there be complications? What will the pain be like? Will She be able to manage this ostomy... for however long?

Let me mention to you now, I worship my wife's comfort and happiness. I struggle to feel even moderately okay unless she is content and comfortable. Yet standing at the threshold of all those scary "What ifs" she is not comfortable or happy. She is in pain, she has been in pain for 4 months. All her hopes for living a normal life and her fear of living a irreversibly abnormal life are tied up in this day.

I kissed her... repeatedly. I told her I love her... repeatedly. Like we were going to be apart for years. Like we may never see one another again. Then, the transporter wheeled her out of the room. I followed. I told her I love her over and over. Then the doors parted, and I had to stop following. They pushed her through that door and out of sight.

I went straight to the parking garage to weep. I wept. I wept more. I hurt! I've never felt that the one I love so much was SO FAR out of my care. I can't control things from here!!! I try to protect her. I TRIED to heal her. I tried to ease her suffering.  But I failed... I was pretty much powerless to do all the things I wanted... She's out of my reach! I felt so scared! "God let it be me! Let me do this for her!" But it doesn't work that way. I want to be in control. I want to be God so I can heal her. No, it still doesn't work that way.

I worshipped her happiness. I worshipped her comfort. I worshipped her contentment. I worshipped these things more than I worshipped God. It's my idol. I have to lay it down at the foot of the cross. I MUST worship God first!! I must give Vanessa to him! I must submit to his will. I must trust her body, her spirit, her mind, her heart, her dreams, her fears.... ALL of it... I must entrust ALL of it to him. I must praise his name as HE wheels her down that hall... As HE is her healer. As HE is her lord. As HE is the perfecter of her faith. As HE is her comforter.

One of the worst thoughts I can imagine... my sweet wife in pain and scared, and me POWERLESS to do anything that helps! It's been more than a year since her colectomy, and she has seen trouble after trouble. Her body won't cooperate!!! So, yah... I'm imagingin those things... and its vivid and I'm SOBBING right now!!! My soul in agony as I imagine this picture!! 

Life feels so out of control. All these things I've been feeling for the past 22 months she's been battling her health... and she is facing EVEN MORE uncertainty, more pain, and likely more surgery. She feels so little hope. She is tired. She feels so fearful that her worst fears will surely come true. GOD IT HURTS SO MUCH to know she is in pain and that she is scared!!! AND I CAN'T DO ANYTHING to stop it all!!!

And what do you say to me God??? You said, "Give her to me, all of her, and let go. Let her be in my care." How can I, God???!!! You don't have her comfort and happiness as her top priority! Your ways are mysterious, your ways are about eternity, about perfecting her faith, about her proving her faith genuine by going through painful trials. How am I supposed to let go when I know she will have more suffering.

GOD!!!! I CRY out to you! Help me to let go! I've let go before. But my desires for her comfort is SO strong. I have to let go daily. God help me to have an eternal perspective. Help me to desire your will for myself and for my wife. Help me to not value temporary comfort at the expense of eternity, or at the expense of our faith. 

I am in my mind standing next to a hospital bed. My wife is in it. She is in pain and filled with fears. You are at her bed. You tell me, "Stay here, David. I'm going to take your wife into the operating room of her future... right through those doors there. But you can't go into this OR for this operation. I'm God, I'm her author, I've got her. She is safe with me. Though this is difficult and will hurt for a while, it will restore her. It will heal her... for eternity. Her faith is being tested. Your faith is being tested, David. But if you let me take her and you stay here, I WILL perfect your faith. I WILL perfect her faith. I will richly bless you in eternity. There will be so much glory and rejoicing! This is my perfect will."

I will let God wheel my wife down that hallway to the OR. I will let go. I will let God be in control.  I will trust my wife's body, heart, mind and soul to her creator, redeemer and healer. 

"God, I give you my wife. I can no longer worship her comfort and minute by minute happiness. I worship you. I submit to your will for my life. I will let Vanessa walk in your will with her life. I won't stand in the way. I will TRUST you."

In Jesus name, amen.