My 911 Prayer.

From a very hard and painful day, I wrote out my feelings... my feelings are turned into a "911 Prayer"

It feels like our lives are over.

God, maybe you should just take us while we sleep… 

because it feels like he won’t ever make the suffering stop.

I am helpless. God, you have beaten me. 

I have no power or control over anything. 

Have you taken my life away.? How can I have joy????? 

There is just so much emotional pain.

God, as much  pain as I am in, I know you are real,  I  will not turn my  back on you... or my wife. But, what od you want from me? with me?  will you ever  restore  me? will you ever restore  her? I  feel so sad. hopless. angry. envious of those who are not suffering.

Am I just supposed to say, “fine… God. I’m helpless. have your way with me. Do whatever you want, because I don’t have the power to stop my wife’s suffering, or my suffering. Do what you want with me. Will you make me suffer more? kill me? never let me experience pleasure again? never let me feel free from sadness again? never let me feel peace again? is that what you want for me? do you even need my permission or submission? this is what you’re doing to me… to us… do you need me to say,  “your will  be done, have your way with me?” because I hesitate to say it… because even though I thought i found you to be good in the past, I don’t find you to be safe or good right now. so how can i say it? and does it matter, because you’re going to torture us anyways whether I say it or not.

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That was yesterday. This is today.

I went to counseling. I was challenged... "Will you be better off believing that God is good or denying that God is good?"

It won't serve me well at all to choose belief that God is not good.
I need to fix my eyes on Jesus. He will get me through the pain.

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PSALM 18

I love you, Lord, my strength.

The Lord is my rock, my fortress and my deliverer;

my God is my rock, in  whom I take refuge, my shield and the horn of  my salvation, my stronghold.

I called to the Lord, who is worth of praise,

and I have been saved from my enemies. 

The cords of  death entangled me; 

the torrents of destruction overwhelmed me.

The cords of the grave coiled around me, 

the snares of death confronted me.

In my DISTRESS I called to the Lord; I CRIED to my God for help.

From his temple he heard my voice;

MY CRY came before him, into his ears.

The earth trembled and quaked,

and the foundations of the mountains shook;

they trembled because he was angry.

Smoke rose from his nostrils; 

consuming fire came from his mouth,

burning coals blazed out of it.

He parted the heavens and came down;

dark clouds  were under his feet.

   [basically, when I am super distressed and crying out to him (my 911 prayer above) from my despair and hopelessness… he heard me… then the earth trembled, mountains shook! smoke from his nostrils, fire from his mouth he FIGHTS THE ENEMY… FOR ME. God fights Satan over me. I belong to God.]

…

He reached down from on high and took hold of me;

he drew me out of deep waters.

He RESCUED me from my powerful enemy,

from my foes, who were too strong for me.

They confronted me in the day of my disaster, 

but the Lord was my support.

He brought me out into a SPACIOUS PLACE;

he RESCUED me because HE DELIGHTED IN ME.

…

you  save the humble.

…

You, Lord, keep my lamp burning;

my God TURNS my DARKNESS into LIGHT.

With your help I can advance against a troop;

with my God i can scale a wall.

… [it goes on]

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HOW DO I FIX MY EYES ON JESUS?

Imagine God's truth as  a life preserver, I maybe fell out of the boat, I'm out floating in the sea of my pain and negative emotions, but I cling to this life preserver. 

GOD’S TRUTH, OUR LIFE PRESERVER. Hang on to it. visualize it.

The story that the Holy Spirit directed me to was of Jesus in the boat with his disciples. Jesus is asleep… the storm is raging. We know we are with Jesus so we will not die in the storm. But what does he want from us? He wants us to wake him and from faith ask him for help. Not to panic and feel fear and anxiety.

'Leaving the crowd behind, they took him along, just as he was, in the boat. 

There were also other boats with him. A furious squall came up, 

and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. 

Jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. 

The disciples woke him and said to him, “Teacher, don’t you care if we drown?” 

He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, “Quiet! Be still!” 

Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. 

He said to his disciples, “Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?” 

They were terrified and asked each other, 

“Who is this? Even the wind and the waves obey him!”' Mark 4:36-41 https://my.bible.com/bible/111/MRK.4.36-41