When I proposed to my wife... it was easily the most spiritual moment in all of my life. God was there and blessed us as I took a step towards his chosen blessing in my life. His will, my amazing and beloved wife. I've never felt that much euphoria before or since.
The other day, as life is heavier than its ever been... I've been in need of a more tangible God. As I drove around with no real destination in mind, I like to drive when I need to think... I found myself pulling up to the place where I had once felt the presence of God. When I sat down looking into the spot where I had given my life to God and to my wife, I felt God's presence again. Tears started rolling down my cheeks... and I spoke to God. He comforted me, and reassured me that he is with me.
dngilb.
ps. This is an update written months later... when I wrote the above, I kept it "safe" I didn't want to share to openly about how much I was hurting or what I was feeling, I was too afraid of what people might think. One reason I went back to that spot was because that is where I obeyed God. He led me to a marriage with Vanessa. It was in this marriage that I "second hand suffered" through my wife's terrible health issues that she's been having. I've never known such emotional pain. To be front row to watch the person you love the most suffer terrible pain with no power to make it stop. It has been hell.
It has been going on for more than a year. I feel like life has been on hold... honestly life has continued, but the more "romantic" pleasurable parts of life may have been absent. Life hasn't looked quite like I wanted it too. I felt like parts of "me" were suffocated, neglected, or even dying... I used to be so into music and art, OU football, friends... etc. Now, I'm just trying to survive. So, I went back to the spot where I gave Vanessa and God my life.
I truly gave my life to them both. It no longer belongs to me, and I feel so powerless tossed about in the seas of life... and at times I feel like I am drowning. That day I felt like I was drowning and it felt I had lost myself altogether. So, I just went back to the spot where God asked me for my life and to give it to Vanessa... and I cried and mourned... and I gave both God and Vanessa my life again. Recommitting.
No, life isn't quite turning out like I hoped. At times Vanessa feels bad for "ruining my life" but she didn't... she didn't bring this on, therefore she cannot own the badness. It's just something that has happened to us both. God is with us. One day, I hope that this will be over and life will be rosier. Then I may be able to resurrect these dead members of my body. I'll have a studio in my garage apartment behind our house where i'll write the most tortured and bleak yet hopeful Christian post-rock music ever recorded. All while my healthy pain free wife is having a special mother-daughter day at the zoo... and I won't have to fret about "will she be alright." because she will be.
dngilb
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