First of all, I was in the ICU. Though my residency program is actually fairly resident friendly, it was still a rough month. Call is “q4”. This means every fourth day of the cycle I spend 30 consecutive hours in the hospital. I still manage to average only 75 for the whole week... but despite the “easy” 75 work week, its really taxing emotionally dealing with death everyday. More accurately, it’s emotionally taxing dealing with the family members of those dying.
We hold family meetings. Trying to get family members to see reality... and the gravity of each clinical situation. Just let grandpa die! With comfort. With peace. Instead, many families opt to put their precious loved ones through weeks long torture sessions with what I estimate is a 0.01% chance of a meaningful recovery. Exhausting... 35 days later... it’s over!
Second of all, I found out that my second attempt to get into an ophthalmology residency was a failure. Ophthalmology (eye surgeon for all who don't already know, and don't feel bad if you don't... its not uncommon) was the reason I went into medical school in the first place!!! Now, the reason I worked as hard as I could for the past 7 or so years is now out of my reach. It was heart break. I felt like a fool for having gone thru all of this... to be let down. For any of you out there who think they want to be a doctor... don't. Go to into dentistry. Do I sound jaded... a little bit, but I didn't want a doctor’s lifestyle. I wanted to work 8-5, M-F. (this is the lifestyle of a dentist, and also an ophthalmologist) I didn't want patients calling me at home... I wanted a job that when I got home, I was home. I wanted a job that facilitated the rest of my life, not a job that was the centerpiece of my life.
Third of all, I had to pull the trigger on a decision that impacts the next 2 years of my life. Perhaps the rest of my career. Thirty plus years! The decision? My internal medicine program which was home to my required intern year, had to know, just one week after having my eye surgeon dreams dashed, if I wanted to sign up for two more years to become board certified in internal medicine. So, now I felt I was being asked to lock myself into a career of my "second choice" (which it really isn't my second choice, as I have no idea what I want my second choice to be) before I even had a chance to figure out what that "second choice" is!!
So after all of that... I'm tired, I feel defeated, and I'm staying on with the internal medicine. But I've decided that it won't have to be my final destination. I may figure out what it is that I want to do, and in that case, I shall apply for it when the time comes. Yes that does mean that I will have spent an unusually long time in residency programs making pennies for my hard work, but I will just have to accept it. My current thought is that after finishing this residency, I will likely work as a hospitalist for 1-4 years and then apply to something like radiology. Four years of residency making the little dollars, I will then make good money again, and I will almost have my 8-5 M-F job, and it won't be all consuming. It won't wear me out talking to families trying to convince them to make their loved ones comfort care, or beating my head against the wall of trying to get people with advanced lung disease to stop smoking after 50 years of puffing their life away...
This may all be good for me... I feel good when I'm working towards something. Maybe this is what I need to feel good in life. To never reach that final destination. Always striving towards that next goal. So, if this is what I needed... why on earth does it feel so bad?!
David MD
We hold family meetings. Trying to get family members to see reality... and the gravity of each clinical situation. Just let grandpa die! With comfort. With peace. Instead, many families opt to put their precious loved ones through weeks long torture sessions with what I estimate is a 0.01% chance of a meaningful recovery. Exhausting... 35 days later... it’s over!
Second of all, I found out that my second attempt to get into an ophthalmology residency was a failure. Ophthalmology (eye surgeon for all who don't already know, and don't feel bad if you don't... its not uncommon) was the reason I went into medical school in the first place!!! Now, the reason I worked as hard as I could for the past 7 or so years is now out of my reach. It was heart break. I felt like a fool for having gone thru all of this... to be let down. For any of you out there who think they want to be a doctor... don't. Go to into dentistry. Do I sound jaded... a little bit, but I didn't want a doctor’s lifestyle. I wanted to work 8-5, M-F. (this is the lifestyle of a dentist, and also an ophthalmologist) I didn't want patients calling me at home... I wanted a job that when I got home, I was home. I wanted a job that facilitated the rest of my life, not a job that was the centerpiece of my life.
Third of all, I had to pull the trigger on a decision that impacts the next 2 years of my life. Perhaps the rest of my career. Thirty plus years! The decision? My internal medicine program which was home to my required intern year, had to know, just one week after having my eye surgeon dreams dashed, if I wanted to sign up for two more years to become board certified in internal medicine. So, now I felt I was being asked to lock myself into a career of my "second choice" (which it really isn't my second choice, as I have no idea what I want my second choice to be) before I even had a chance to figure out what that "second choice" is!!
So after all of that... I'm tired, I feel defeated, and I'm staying on with the internal medicine. But I've decided that it won't have to be my final destination. I may figure out what it is that I want to do, and in that case, I shall apply for it when the time comes. Yes that does mean that I will have spent an unusually long time in residency programs making pennies for my hard work, but I will just have to accept it. My current thought is that after finishing this residency, I will likely work as a hospitalist for 1-4 years and then apply to something like radiology. Four years of residency making the little dollars, I will then make good money again, and I will almost have my 8-5 M-F job, and it won't be all consuming. It won't wear me out talking to families trying to convince them to make their loved ones comfort care, or beating my head against the wall of trying to get people with advanced lung disease to stop smoking after 50 years of puffing their life away...
This may all be good for me... I feel good when I'm working towards something. Maybe this is what I need to feel good in life. To never reach that final destination. Always striving towards that next goal. So, if this is what I needed... why on earth does it feel so bad?!
David MD
Follow up 10 years later.
ReplyDeleteIt's now 2016. I finished my IM residency and took a job working for the hospital I trained in. It has been great! I am so thankful for my job, my 26 weeks off a year, my co-workers, and my non-existent worries when I am outside of the hospital. No office to run. No overhead to worry about. I can and do take 3 weeks off at a time on occasion for epic vacations to Europe! Also, when my wife went through a fairly protracted health journey, I had ample time to be off with her. All in all... the reason I went through the entire ophthalmology phase, was to be exposed to doctors who pray with patients. Something I didn't witness during my IM training. Something I do with many of my patients.
Turns out, God DID know what was doing. Thus, one can say... God always knows what he IS doing.