I remember back to the days just after college. I was in medical school. Everything was new. New friends, new lifestyle, discovery at every turn. I felt like I had finally entered into my own skin. The possibilities for my future, limitless! Life had such potential, like a stem cell, my life was totipotent. It could become ANYTHING!
I live in Oklahoma. If you’ve ever driven to the mountains of Colorado you’ll be familiar with the uninspiring flat drive through Oklahoma, Kansas and Western Colorado. There isn’t anything to give you hints of what excitement and majesty lie ahead. It is just a long wait. Much like that long drive through the flatlands, my childhood, high school career and college were merely the long flat road trip, but now, I’m driving into the foothills. I can feel the excitement building. I can see the terrain changing! Soon, I will be out of the car. Soon, I’ll be hiking through the pine trees, headed to the summit.
When I turned 30, I was in residency. I’m living an adventure! Staying up all night, learning how to be a doctor in a hospital…actually saving lives! It was thrilling and scary! I was also newly married. My beautiful bride! We enjoyed toying with ideas of moving to exotic places. Life still had the feeling of unlimited possibility!
Then, life hit. Then it hit again. And again. It keeps hitting. It’s not hitting other people like its hitting us. Health for my wife seems so fragile. I don’t feel like there is a stable foundation in our lives.
Now, here I am, 41… I no longer feel totipotent. How did life ever become this? Is this just a perspective problem? I spend way too much time fearing the future, dreading my eventual sickness, immobility and death. Fearing financial insecurity. Feeling limited by the adversity that life has sent our way. Feeling too tired to pursue change or adventure. I feel disillusioned. I no longer have the possibility of endless options. I feel like I’m left with just a small handful of options from which to choose.
I struggle to see “what option do I want to choose?” Because now I’m hyper-focused on “What might I lose if I choose that option?” Why do I feel like this? Why is fear of loss the focal point of my minds eye? Is this because I’ve experienced some major emotional losses and I’m scared of having even more? Is it because my wife’s health difficulties has made the very foundation of life feel fragile? Maybe its because I’m burned out on being a doctor and any major change would involve me having to put a great deal more energy into work because starting a new job as a hospitalist means learning a new system, culture, and consultants. I’m just not that excited about practicing medicine anymore. I find myself haunted by thoughts of “how long can I keep doing this?”
What do I want my life to be like?
Observations that I ponder on while trying to answer this question includes the following.
1. I find time with family and the friends, the friendships that feel like family, to be very rich and meaningful. (Most of which are in Oklahoma.)
2. I find inner peace when I’m immersed in nature’s beauty. (Though, only when nature is within a comfortable range of temperatures, not Oklahoma summer.)
3. I like spending time with my wife, outside of the house. (In the summer, this consists of being bored and going to Whole Foods, or walking in the mall (we aren’t shopping).
4. I like hiking in mountains.
5. I like golf. I liked being on a golf team. (one of my other career ideas was a college golf coach.)
6. My wife and I both like travel and exploring new places.
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