Operating System... Upgrading.

This latest health trial has drug out much longer than I ever expected. At first I thought, “three months and Entyvio will be working.” or Surgery is at the end of September, life will return in a few weeks... But here we are in mid-November talking about possibly needing to do some more surgery. I had not planned on this stressful journey going on this long. I was operating my daily life to just “eek by” for a several weeks… Not surprisingly, I wore down. I was collapsing in a heap of emotional exhaustion and tears almost daily. 

What am I supposed to do?! How am I supposed to cope? How am I supposed to “choose joy” ??? 

I knew I was unhealthy, and Vanessa told me to pursue some “David time.” So, I met up with Garth. He’s always a breath of fresh air, positivity, and a messenger of God’s hope and love.

VISITING WITH GARTH.

Visiting with Garth, I was reminded of James’ text, “Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything.”

I asked God how I could be joyful in my suffering. Garth was God’s mouth piece. He pointed out how on Earth we get so caught up in decorating our lives with things in this world. A house, retirement account, experiences and memories of travels, etc. These are what we tend to pursue during easy times… And, all of these are but temporary. We won’t take them to Heaven. 

The soul work that happens, happens when we persevere through trials, submitting to God. This is where eternal beauty and accomplishment occurs. And, isnt’ that worth doing? Yes, it is.

Not only will these virtues and beautiful eternal accomplishments be a rewarding experience in eternity, there is benefit in this world. Maturing and growth now will help me make it through future trials and will give me a testimony that will show God’s love to those around me. It also helps me to see and experience God and his love for me. Now, I can feel good about that!

I recently took care of a woman at the hospital who had MS for 30 year, she can’t walk as a result, AND she has been battling her third round of chemo for ovarian cancer. It’s a terminal diagnosis, yet, despite all this she had a lightness in her spirit. She said, “Oh I’m real good at just putting it all on God’s shoulders and looking for the good around me.” Now, I bet, it wasn’t always so easy for her to say that, let alone do it. But she has grown to trust with more of herself and now she navigates this temporary home with a lot of grace. I felt so encouraged in Christ by hearing what she had to say.  So, I think, maybe God will use this current trial in someone’s life in the future through our testimony.

LESSON TWO.

So, the above was lesson one. Lesson two is about how I manage my moment to moment life and my identity. My identity is comprised mainly in three areas: Husband, doctor, and lastly, self. My operating system may need an upgrade. By that I mean, how and when I switch back and forth through these modes of operation, and my concept of how to be a good husband may need some tweaking.

Honestly, I struggle to ever take off the husband hat long enough to ever just “be David.” But how could I, David, ever be a good husband if I can’t ever be good at just being David the individual? 

There are only 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week. What ratio of time is spent in each mode? David the husband, the doctor, the person. Everyone has a certain ratio they need to be at their healthiest. In husband and doctor mode, I’m giving, energy is expended. There is some gain from purpose and meaning, but I think I still need to recharge. When I’m in “David the person” mode, I am able to recharge! What does this recharge time look like? For me, I need time with friends, in play, in nature, in self-reflection. 

What is clear during this trial, is that I wasn't balancing out these needs in a way that leads to the healthy self. I thought I was trying, but I wasn’t honest with myself regarding what it took to be healthy. I had been treating this “David time” as almost optional. I was barely scratching the surface of what healthy demanded. It is not optional. It is a need. So, after I just kept collapsing in an emotional mess with little strength or comfort to offer Vanessa, it became clear. I was not getting enough recharge time to keep going the distance. This has to change. And whatever the balance looks like to be healthy during the trial, I should continue that level when we are out of the trial so that I am actually still healthy.

ROLE ONE: Being a husband.

My biggest and most cherished role. I try so hard to be there for my wife as much as possible. To a fault. Total quantity of time is not the ultimate goal. Meeting relational needs is more important. Give love they can feel. Giving them freedom to be fully themselves. Helping them flourish.

Out of fear and guilt, I would find myself racing through my work day so I could make it home ASAP. And when I would take time for myself, I would race through whatever the task or event was as efficiently as possible so I wouldn't waste any second that I could be putting that husband hat back on! I would feel anxious when things weren’t going fast enough! I was spending every possible second with the husband hat strapped on to alleviate my fear of not being a good husband, or to try and take the reins of responsibility for my wife’s wellness. If she wouldn’t use MY judgement of how SHE can be healthy (balancing her alone time and relationship time, etc) then I would just supply all the relationship that she needs.

If you would have asked me, I would not have admitted that is what I wanted to do or was doing… but MY actions spoke clearly. That is what was behind the “operating system” programming of my mind. 

So, cledarly, my guilt came from within myself, not from expectations or desires my wife had. She wasn’t needing me back so urgently. She was okay! She wasn’t needing me to meet all her relational needs or to fill up all of her time so she wasn’t alone. She never asked me to do that. I was not showing her the respect or faith in her that I ought to have shown.

ROLE TWO: Being a doctor.

I was too burned out to show the level of compassion or support that I would like to have shown to my patient’s. I tried to do the right thing, but again… I was as efficient as I could be to blaze through my work so I could return home and put on the husband hat. What “presentness” did my patient’s miss out on that they would have benefitted from? This job I have was given to me by God. I need to worship him with my work.

ROLE THREE: David the person.

I am more of an extrovert. I need some relational activity time to feel energized, encouraged, strengthened. But I was not taking time to meet my minimum requirements. I was drained. I took some time to try and recharge with hitting range balls. I was outside. I wasn’t worried about health problems, I was focused. While I was alone, I wasn’t in a self-reflective place. I was preoccupied. Quiet alone time can give space for a lot of processing. Explore where my emotions are coming from. What to do with them. With quiet alone time, I can listen to the Holy Spirit as he reveals things to me. I can pray, connect with God and he can speak back to me. But I wasn’t pursuing this kind of alone time. I may have even been afraid to be alone with my thoughts. “Just keep forcing my way ahead until this is over.” It wasn’t helping. 

TAKE HOMES… PLAN OF ACTION.

I need to update my operating software.

I need to honor how God made me with enough alone self-reflection time that I can be healthy and can have an intimate talk with God.

I need to honor how God made me to have relationship time, recreation time, spend time with exposure to nature.

I need to honor and respect my wife’s autonomy and uniqueness. She is not like me. She is to be the one in charge of pursuing and maintaining her own wellness. She needs more alone time. I need to honor that and not be afraid of it.

I need to reflect on what good happens during the hard times we are facing… AND PRAISE GOD FOR IT. And Value it. It has eternal meaning. It’s a work worth doing to grow and become healthier. In becoming healthier, I can serve God more effectively. I can love my wife more beautifully. This brings God glory. It gives me purpose and meaning. It is adorning my spirit with beauty for eternity. All of this I wrote about above NEVER would have come into my mind if we were just coasting through an easy time in life. I may not have found myself on the floor weeping multiple time a week, but the hard times didn’t make me unhealthy, it exposed the flaws in my operating system. My perceived wellness during easy times was because easy times didn’t test the stability of my operating system.

It’s time for an operating system upgrade. Downloading… Installing...