My wife got an unfortunate diagnosis this week. Ulcerative colitis. This is diagnosed by a colonoscopy. She's had several. After the conscious sedation wears off, you shouldn't feel any different than before the procedure. So, five hours after the procedure when she had a temp of 101.8 and had body aches and increased abdominal pain... I immediately started thinking of worst case scenarios. I had already imagined going to the ER, notifying the surgeon of my choice to do the emergent peritoneal lavage and hemi-colectomy. All this after a very long health care stressful day.
Trusting God in this setting is very difficult for me. "She's been through so much. God, you delivered her from all this bad health, why let it start all over again?"
This time, I had some experience of God's faithfulness and goodness to fall back on. I believed in my head that he was good all the time, faithful all the time, will provide all the time, etc. But I still was an anxious mess.
How do you practice what Paul wrote in Philippians 4? "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
So, I read this, prayed about it. I meditated on it. I asked for others to pray for me and my wife. I still was extremely anxious. The knowledge wasn't making it down from my brain into my heart.
I took my morning coffee out on the back patio, it was a nice spring morning. All was weighing heavy on me however. I listened to the Chris Tomlin song "Sovereign".
With all that, I wept. I had an emotional release. I sang it out to God through tears. And the words of the scriptures I believe... started to trickle their way down into my heart. There is just something about the way God made us that our hearts connect through music. It's mysterious and magnificent.
God answered my prayers for peace. It just wasn't as fast as I wanted. In the process I learned a little about being a doctor and being a real person outside of my job. I found it difficult to let go of my fears and trust Vanessa's doctor. I think he is one of the finest doctors I've ever known. He's done 25,000 scopes in his career. He specializes in the very condition my wife has. Why wouldn't I trust his judgement. I may have some knowledge, but I have minimal experience to go with it. It's a dangerous combo. The mind goes to some crazy places with it. I think God finally helped me to see clearly, and I placed my trust in God, who had clearly led us to Dr. Miner. Dr. Miner was God's instrument for health care in my wife's life. I should trust him, because God is with him working through him.
I put my fear of bowel perforation down. My mind had created a scenario where the antibiotics for C.diff had partially treated the imagined peritonitis from her perforation, allowing her to not get worse. I accepted that Dr. Miner understood that C.diff flare up due to the colonoscopy bowel prep had just made her UC worse. That we just needed to advanced to a more aggressive treatment. I chose to accept that she would get better real soon.
The anxiety left. Peace entered as I trusted that God is providing and guiding in my wife's life.
David
Trusting God in this setting is very difficult for me. "She's been through so much. God, you delivered her from all this bad health, why let it start all over again?"
This time, I had some experience of God's faithfulness and goodness to fall back on. I believed in my head that he was good all the time, faithful all the time, will provide all the time, etc. But I still was an anxious mess.
How do you practice what Paul wrote in Philippians 4? "Rejoice in the Lord always; again I will say, Rejoice. Let your reasonableness be known to everyone. The Lord is at hand; do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus."
So, I read this, prayed about it. I meditated on it. I asked for others to pray for me and my wife. I still was extremely anxious. The knowledge wasn't making it down from my brain into my heart.
I took my morning coffee out on the back patio, it was a nice spring morning. All was weighing heavy on me however. I listened to the Chris Tomlin song "Sovereign".
Sovereign in the mountain air
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
In my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arm
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
Sovereign in the mountain
Sovereign on the ocean floor
With me in the calm
With me in the storm
Sovereign in my greatest joy
Sovereign in my deepest cry
With me in the dark
With me at the dawn
In your everlasting arms
All the pieces of my life
From beginning to the end
I can trust you
In your never failing love
You work everything for good
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
All my hopes
All I need
Held in your hands
All my life
All of me
Held in your hands
All my fears
All my dreams
Held in your hands
God whatever comes my way
I will trust you
With all that, I wept. I had an emotional release. I sang it out to God through tears. And the words of the scriptures I believe... started to trickle their way down into my heart. There is just something about the way God made us that our hearts connect through music. It's mysterious and magnificent.
God answered my prayers for peace. It just wasn't as fast as I wanted. In the process I learned a little about being a doctor and being a real person outside of my job. I found it difficult to let go of my fears and trust Vanessa's doctor. I think he is one of the finest doctors I've ever known. He's done 25,000 scopes in his career. He specializes in the very condition my wife has. Why wouldn't I trust his judgement. I may have some knowledge, but I have minimal experience to go with it. It's a dangerous combo. The mind goes to some crazy places with it. I think God finally helped me to see clearly, and I placed my trust in God, who had clearly led us to Dr. Miner. Dr. Miner was God's instrument for health care in my wife's life. I should trust him, because God is with him working through him.
I put my fear of bowel perforation down. My mind had created a scenario where the antibiotics for C.diff had partially treated the imagined peritonitis from her perforation, allowing her to not get worse. I accepted that Dr. Miner understood that C.diff flare up due to the colonoscopy bowel prep had just made her UC worse. That we just needed to advanced to a more aggressive treatment. I chose to accept that she would get better real soon.
The anxiety left. Peace entered as I trusted that God is providing and guiding in my wife's life.
David
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