DNGILB: Trust me, I'm a doctor.

I know God loves me BECAUSE He put me into the fire.

2012-01-25T09:45:00.000-08:00

A few weeks ago, a friend said, "You seem to really believe God loves you." He has seen me at moments of faith crisis in the past three years... So, coming from him, this is a pretty weighty statement. During my wife's health struggles, I had at times felt that God did not love me. I felt that he loved my wife and cared nothing for me. It felt that my dreams, desires, etc didn't matter to God... He threw me under the bus to take care of my wife. She was valuable to Him... I was expendable. Or so I felt.

My friend followed up his statement with a question, "How did you come to know and FEEL that God loves you?" I had a bit of a hard time formulating this into a cohesive thought... but it came about through the health trial that my wife and I were battling. Later, it became really clear.

I know that God loves me BECAUSE he sent me into the desert... into a place of trial and testing... so that I would reach the end of my strength, and then turn to him alone who could save me. He has accomplished so much good through this journey. He has purged me of sins. He has transformed my heart. He has made his true loving nature known to me in a way that I could experience. He has shown me that I can truly trust him with everything. He has helped me to see what really matters in life, and to be excited to submit to his will... to journey where he desires to lead.

I know God loves me because he didn't give me what I wanted... he gave me what I needed... to grow... to become more lovely and more like his son. I am a work in progress. God is the potter and I am the clay.

David

Romans 8:28 "And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose."

Deuteronomy 8:2-3 "Remember how the Lord your God led you all the way in the wilderness these forty years, to humble and test you in order to know what was in your heart, whether or not you would keep his commands. He humbled you causing you to hunger and then feeding you with manna... to teach you that man does not live on bread alone but on every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."

Zechariah 13:8-9 "In the whole land,"declares the lord, "two-thirds will be struck down and perish; yet one-third will be left in it. This third I [God] will put into the fire; I will refine them like silver and test them like gold. They will call on my name and I will answer them; I will say, 'They are my people,' and they will say, 'The Lord is our God.'"

Jesus IS.

2011-12-27T19:11:00.001-08:00

I feel that 98% of "Christians" do NOT really get how mind blowing Jesus really is.

He is not "my homeboy"... he is the author of everything. He is master of everything, who humbled himself to enter his creation to redeem his creation. He was not created. He has never not been. He has ALWAYS been. he exists outside of time and matter. He loves an lives within me.

A few years ago, I was exhausted emotionally and spiritually. Life, harder than ever fathomed it could be. I was ready to leave this world. Flying to vacations, I secretly hoped the plane would crash. From this place of exhaustion, pain, and destitution came help from a Jesus I claimed to know since I was a child... Claimed to follow. I claimed him to be Lord of my life. But he was not. I had not chosen to follow him. Not whole heartedly. My will opposed submission to his... Whatever it might be.

When I reached a low point of personal exhaustion, I threw my hands up and said, "okay, I'll do it your way."

He has redeemed me... He is transforming me. He has saved me. He has saved my marriage. He has made life worth living. He had given me a purpose. He has given me hope. He has given me joy.

Truly... Without Christ I am nothing. He has saved my everything. I owe him all. To stand up against God's will and say "I will do this an that, not what you want," is to take a stand against God the way Lucifer took a stand when he exalted his own will above that of God's will.

Jesus is not an initial on a bracelet... He is not a dashboard bobble head. He is not a catchy slogan. He is not a watered down "prophet" or a "good man" who lived thousands of years ago.

He is the author of life. He is your only way to life... He is my Lord. My savior. Without him, I have nothing.

My heart breaks for everyone who has not realized this. They are missing out on the greatest gift ever given to mankind. Jesus Christ is Lord of lords... King of kings.

David

Spiritual Warfare (Again) Preemptive This Time.

2011-12-26T16:04:00.001-08:00

What made today different? I don't know. But instead of moving through the day with hope and peace... I just felt angry and hopeless. I hurt. I felt like saying "Screw you God! What are you waiting on?! I'm just going to gratify myself in whatever the hell I want because you obviously aren't going to do anything for me!"

After this tantrum passed, I resolved to not do all the crap my sinful nature wanted to do. I love my wife and I want to honor her. I love my God... the very one who I was blaming for not showing up. So, I diverted my evil and prayed.

Then I basically just fell into some self-pity and depression. I sent out a text asking for some prayer. God seemed so silent and distant.

My wife felt the same. She felt resolved to a belief that God had bad plans for her... And was taunting her with hopes and dreams... So he could defeat her. It made no logical sense, but the feelings were overwhelming.

So, I acknowledge her feelings. I empathized with her. But I affirmed my unconditional love for her. My commitment forever. I told her how I was incapable of that apart from a God who first loved her.

A little later, we then found ourselves pitted against one another. Both she and I so easily irritated. We couldn't even communicate. We both hated the way we were feeling and we came together with a repentant attitude and really listened to one another.

I cried out to God, "deliver me!" Don't you want to deliver me and use my story to give someone else hope that you will show up in their darkest hour? Don't you work good from bad?

God... What? What do you want me to do? God, I do not have what it takes in and of myself... I need you. I need your grace. I need you to strengthen me with faith. I need you to deliver me to joy. I need more of you!

Sincerely.

David

UPDATE: Not all that long after I wrote the above... Unexpectedly, a four year old prayer request was answered!

"Why today?" I wondered. It was such a rough and faithless day on my part. Then it dawned on me. God had this break through answer to prayer on the schedule. Satan wanted to thwart this amazing plan and was full on attacking us.

It wasn't pretty but we survived the attack and made it through to God's great blessing.

Next time I have a day similar... I need to acknowledge I'm under spiritual attack and not be so bewildered. I need to fight back, invoking the powerful name of Christ to protect me and to defeat the enemy. I need to have open eyes looking for the amazing thing God is about to do.

God is real. Satan is real. Spiritual warfare is real. Be prepared for battle.

David.

Lightning "Crashes"

2011-12-21T19:16:00.000-08:00

We were flying back from California... Climbing in altitude. Passing through dense clouds. Visibility five feet. Peaceful. I love the ascent. I love the feeling of sinking back into the seat from the G-force.

Suddenly a loud crack. Flash of light right out of the engine! My heart races. The first thought through my mind, "ENGINE IS OUT! WE'RE GOING DOWN! This is it... I'm going to die!"

A few seconds, it dawned on me. It was lighting. I am alive.

David

"I Miss You" is a Four Letter Word

2011-12-21T13:27:00.001-08:00

True love is what you have for another person. 1 Corinthians 13:5 says, “[love] is not self-seeking.”

When most people say, “I miss you,” I feel like they are actually saying, “I feel lonely, and I want you here so you can make me feel better.” That is NOT true love. That is self-seeking.

If I were to tell you that I miss you, it could be conveying that I feel lonely, unloved, abandoned, bored, unfulfilled… and it’s your responsibility to make me feel better. You can even take it a step further and assume that I am blaming your absence for my negative feelings. This would be a guilt tactic and it is the opposite of love.

I plan on trying to avoid that phrase. Instead, I will say, “I look forward to seeing you.” It takes the negativity out of the communication.

If I have “true love” for you… I look forward to seeing you so that I can love ON YOU, serve YOU, make YOU feel better. That is the opposite of self-seeking. That is serving, much the way Jesus served the people he loved.

God IS love. He loves us when we have given him nothing. He even loves us even when we blame him for evils, or even when mankind crucified his innocent son. He does not "miss us"… He is looking forward to seeing us, so that He can love us.

David

This was fun for me.

2011-12-18T15:57:00.000-08:00

I made this with the infamous Brian Franklin. It was a lot of fun, and I think it turned out pretty well.

The Pour-Over Coffee Brewing Method (pourover) from DoubleShot Coffee Company on Vimeo.

The point of pain. Ask "What?" not "Why?"

2011-12-12T07:03:00.001-08:00

It had been a difficult few weeks for my wife. First a really potent upper respiratory virus. After that finally cleared, there was what seemed to be a recurrence of C. diff and with it, an increase in abdominal pain and nausea. Couple that with pretty bad migraines almost daily. Oh, and for no apparent reason her left wrist swelled up and was exquisitely painful to the point she couldn't use her left arm at all!

She felt "why me?!" But I saw her holding on to faith that God still has a good plan... for a little while. The final blow came in the form of good news of a friend becoming pregnant. While this is good, it was like a spotlight on my wife's fear that God did not have a family in the plans for her.

With the news she felt defeated. Unloved by God. The lingering doubts about God's love for her just blossomed into something crushingly large. I lovingly tried to confront this quick change of belief, but she confirmed. She no longer believed God loved her.

I can't blame her. She has been through so much. It's exceedingly difficult to hang on to hope and faith when you see so little progress. I have felt the same way at times in the past. It's a terrible place to be. My heart ached for her deeply.

If; however, we look at the evidence we can see how silly it is to change our position on God's love for us. Both my wife and I can easily see God's hand bringing us together in marriage, delivering us from difficulty in the past, showing up and bringing the right people into our lives to help take care of our needs during this trial. (Her neurologist was found by a personal connection from 10 years before V was even born!) We have seen God transform me from a dark place near my breaking point to a new place of hope. All of these things point to a God who loves. Is it really possible that after all that, he would withdraw his love at the moment that my wife found out a friend was pregnant? A resounding "No".

The week or so prior to Sunday night had been very difficult physically for V. I sent out a text asking for prayers to several comrades. They prayed, I prayed... The Holy Spirit began to move.

In this place of physical pain and emotional destitution. The Holy Spirit opened V's eyes in a new way. She saw me and the love I had for her that stood even without hope of what I might get in return. She saw the unconditional pure love for her... She expressed how beyond grateful she was for me loving her. I quickly ran through all the ways I used to be terrible at loving her... how God had been transforming me so that I could love her better. And that none of what I have to offer is solely of myself... but it is directly from her heavenly father.

God reached through all of the pain, doubt, self-pity, and fear... and wrapped his arms around her! He helped her to feel deeply loved... by him! Loved, simply because she is. Tears of joy ran down my angel's face. She believed God loved her. She even felt loved by him. As she always was and will be.

God wants us all to know that he never stops loving us. He loves us when life is good. He loves us just as much when life is very difficult and painful. He loves us when we are committing egregious sins. He loves us when we are performing great acts of love. He never stops loving us! You can't earn it. You can't sin it away. All you can do is either run towards it, or reject it.

Run toward the love of God.

During this week of intense pain, I asked God, "Don't waste this, God. My wife is hurting. Use this for something good. That's what you do, right? Genesis 50:20 'You intended to harm me, but God intended it for good to accomplish what is now being done...' Come on God! Do something good!!"

He did.

I wonder, could we speed up passage through the painful valley's we must travel if we stop asking "why poor me?" and start asking, "Okay, you've got my attention... What are you trying to accomplish? What do I need to see or change?" Because when there is pain... there is something God wants to accomplish that is bigger and more important that just relieving the pain.

God is good.... ALL the time.

David

Marriage: Cultural Misconception Exposed.

2011-11-15T09:27:00.001-08:00

Recently I had a single person ask me if marriage was difficult. I'm not sure I can make a statement that rings true in all and for all marriages.

My experience of marriage has been intertwined with my wife's difficult health problems. Thus my perspective has been colored. Facing life in the midst of these health problems has been the most difficult experience of my life.

What I can say about marriage is that I was lied to almost my entire life. God did not invent marriage to "make us happy"... The lie propagated by nearly every facet of American society as a whole. A lie left largely un-refuted by church, or so it seemed to me.

"Oh, he makes me so happy!" and then when he doesn't make you happy any longer... "I just don't love him anymore". Divorce then follows. The now single person starts looking for another source of happiness. The cycle repeats, as the broken and imperfect person seeks the wrong remedy.

I do not mean to say that you won't find happiness within marriage. I hope I do and I think I have. But note, I said "within" not "from" marriage. Your happiness is not your spouse's responsibility. It is something that comes and goes, ebbs and flows with the seasons of life. It is not marriage's constant companion. It isn't the purpose of marriage... AND It's not even the purpose of life.

Marriage was invented by God. It is a mirror he holds in front of us. It helps us see our flaws and scars. Marriage exposes the dark matter of our hearts. We either take responsibility for what is exposed and deal with it, grow and heal... Or we point fingers and blame, "you're not making me happy!" as we slowly plummet... crash and burn.

Before I was married, I was quite successful at "happiness" and life. Then slowly as life happened God's mirror of marriage exposed my rough edges. I didn't even know they existed, but they had been there since I was young. Unbeknown to me. Rough and unlovely. These edges HAD to be smoothed out. It proves a laborious and difficult process... But a necessary one. If these edges were allowed to remain, they would surely kill marriage... They were trying to kill me.

There is no need to fear. The process is a sure one, if you welcome God into the process. When you actively seek, you can be confident that you will find. God wants to heal your old scars. Transforming both heart and mind. And as he does, you find something better than mere happiness... You find meaning, love, intimacy, and joy... with your spouse and your heavenly father.

Marriage can be tragically hard... full of a terrible and magnificent beauty. So cling to God, for we are to be refined like gold in the fire. Be confident, be assured. Have a joyous anticipation... For the best in life has yet to come.

David

Praying for faith.

2011-10-27T07:18:00.000-07:00

I had always thought of faith as something I muster out of my own strength. God recently challenged me on this through an RC Sproul podcast. So, I began praying, asking God to give me faith. God's word supports this approach.

"Jesus is the author and perfecter of faith." Hebrews 12:2

Jesus said, "Remain in me, as I also remain in you. No branch can bear fruit by itself; it must remain in the vine. Neither can you bear fruit unless you remain in me." John 15:4 So, in this case the fruit of faith does not come from myself alone, but from Jesus who is the vine.

This past week, I prayed daily that God would give me more faith. I noticed a pronounced difference. I had challenges this week... challenges that in the weeks and months past had had derailed my sense of peace. In that loss of peace I even questioned if God was really there. This week seemed different. Storms came up, but I remained at peace that God was with me and that there was nothing to fear. I had faith!!!

A furious squall came up, and the waves broke over the boat, so that it was nearly swamped. jesus was in the stern, sleeping on a cushion. The disciples woke him and said to him, "Teacher, don't you care if we drown?" He got up, rebuked the wind and said to the waves, "Quiet, Be still!" Then the wind died down and it was completely calm. He said to his disciples, "Why are you so afraid? Do you still have no faith?" Mark 4:37-40

David

Men try to fix.

2011-10-23T17:41:00.000-07:00

I've been told this many times... When women have a problem, they want their man to LISTEN!!! to their feelings. But what do us men do? We try and FIX... and... this drives us both crazy!

Even though I know this is what my wife wants, I find it VERY difficult to do. Almost impossible! Why wouldn't you want to solve the problem??? Just telling the problem doesn't get rid of the problem, it still exists... Isn't it unloving of me to not try and help? Let's fix this and experienced the freedom of "a problem solved".

Several weeks ago, I had something very unusual happen. I had feelings... No, that's not new, but I tried to share them with my wife... THAT is new, or at least rare. What do men usually do? Bury their feelings! I'm guilty of this... and it's not the healthiest way to live. So, in an effort to be more emotionally healthy and connected with my wife I took a new route... I shared. First, I took a walk to sort through everything... I wanted to convey truth in love, not just vomiting up my feelings. During a walk in the twilight... I thought, walked, prayed, and jotted down my feelings into my iPhone. (I didn't even fall down or get hit by a car.)

When I made it home, I opened up and shared my feelings. I felt very vulnerable. It was uncomfortable telling her my feelings. Scary. I knew; however, God wanted me to grow in this area. So, I followed through. I didn't "explode" in a uncontrolled catharsis. I just truthfully and calmly shared my actual feelings.

So, what happened? Vanessa tried to point out where I was going wrong and tried to fix my problem... How manly of her. The tables had turned. I had a taste of my own medicine. It was bitter. It was good for me though. Though it took a week to realize. First, I was just indignant. "How dare she not listen to my feelings. This is hard for me!" That's when it hit me. "This must be how she feels when she tries to share her feelings with me." Wow! I've never experienced what that felt like!

I went to my wife and apologized profusely for the 7 years I've fallen so short. She forgave me.

"Father, please help me grow rapidly in my ability to listen to my wife's feelings and just empathize with her. Amen."

David.

Two Dollars and John 3:16

2011-10-10T20:40:00.000-07:00

Three weeks ago I received two pieces of mail on the same day. The first, a request from John 3:16 Mission asking for $1.92. This is a local non-profit organization who put on a Thanksgiving dinner for those who are down and out. The request said simply that for $1.92 they could feed someone a Thanksgiving dinner. I remember getting these in years past and simply discarding it and thinking... "I bet they paid almost a dollar every time they send that out." This year I was jogged out of this line of thinking by the second piece of mail. In the next envelope I received a solicitation to complete a survey. To entice me to fill this survey out, they enclosed two crisp $1 bills. "Hmm... I could just put this two dollars in the John 3:16 envelope and I'm not out any money, and someone gets a meal!" So, that's exactly what I did. Sadly I admit, I felt pretty good about myself.

Tonight, I went through the day's mail. The first envelope... "Hmm... John 3:16 Mission is pretty persistent. This is the second $1.92 request they've sent me. Maybe they thought since I gave $2, I'd give two more." I didn't open it. I tossed it to the trash pile. The next piece of mail was clearly some junk solicitation, but I like to shred anything that might have my information on it, so I opened it. "You're kidding..." Yep, two crisp $1 bills. Wow. That's pretty coincidental! I folded the bills up and placed them into the John 3:16 enveloped and licked the adhesive... Pause...

I didn't close then envelope. Something deep within stopped me. I remembered recently having thoughts of trying to loosen the grip money has on me by giving away $50 of my "fun money" each month. I also remembered having discussions with my friend Tim about "It's God's money, I want to manage it as he leads me." Next, I thought how this occurrence is too coincidental to be a coincidence. I grabbed my wallet, I had about $55 in there... I put $50 in the envelope... plus the two $1 bills. Sealed it up.

"Father, please don't just feed 25 people... Let the meal be the start of a cascade that leads to reconciliation to you. Lead them to be reborn into the spirit. Amen."David

Tossed by the waves.

2011-09-18T06:56:00.001-07:00

God's love for us is constant. Life is not. All of my emotions, peace, joy, hope, fear, anguish, sadness, etc have been following the ebb and flow of life. How do I get my heart and my emotions to stay steady on the constancy of God's love?

I believe this is possible. I once read "George Muller of Bristol". A lovely but dry and factual biography of a man who had so much faith that he almost delighted in the trials of life, because he couldn't wait to see how God will deliver "this time".

I don't think this is a change I can force on myself... rather, I must let God take me where he must. The Holy Spirit will be the instigator of change within my heart as I seek God in all circumstances. "Father, I pray that you change me. I don't want to be tossed about on the waves of life. I want to have peace and joy knowing you are my loving father who will provide."

David

“Come on!” Jesus said. Peter then got out of the boat and started walking on the water toward him. But when Peter saw how strong the wind was, he was afraid and started sinking. “Save me, Lord!” he shouted. Right away, Jesus reached out his hand. He helped Peter up and said, “You surely don’t have much faith. Why do you doubt?” (Matthew 14:29-31 CEV)

GOD WILL HAVE VICTORY

2011-08-19T15:16:00.001-07:00

Father, Prepare my wife and I to receive your miracle.

In Jesus name, Amen.

Feelings Can Lead You Astray. Just Share.

2011-08-19T15:03:00.001-07:00

For the past few years, as life has been difficult, I have experienced a wide array of emotions, thoughts, and actions. Many of them I find frightening, saddening, or disgusting. Thoughts from a desperate soul. I often felt so hopeless. God felt so far away. “He must not love me.” This is false... But it was from that place of doubt (almost “conviction” that God didn’t care about me) that out spilled “the unspeakable”... Or so I thought.

I felt that my wife had enough stress in her life. “Don’t add to her stress by sharing your feelings.” I thought.

I felt that my wife had enough to worry about. “Don’t tell your wife your emotional needs and desires. Just suck it up and bury it.”

I worried she wouldn’t believe I would love her through this tough time. “Don’t share that mistake! Or she will really not trust that you are going to stick it out through sickness and in health.”

All of those things are false. They are lies from the father of lies... designed to kill intimacy between myself and my spouse. For a long time I listened to those thoughts, and I gave into them. It was working according to the enemy plan. It WAS killing intimacy. It was killing our bonds of love. “Who are you?” I often wondered.

More recently, God has been revealing truth to me. Through an anointed counselor and some wonderful books, God has been showing me where I was going wrong as a husband. He showed me how to change. It wasn’t easy. It was actually terrifying to “start sharing”... But it went well. Each time, I found myself dragging my feet... procrastination out of fear. I finally obeyed and shared what was on my heart. Thankfully, my wife received me with love, gentleness, understanding, and support. It was AMAZING. The benefits... almost instantaneous. Temptations vanished. Heart strings reconnected. I AM SO IN LOVE! It quite honestly blew my mind. Love and intimacy was right there waiting for me, but all my fears led me astray.

SHARE. Open up!

Now, I totally get that there is a wrong way to share, and a wrong way to listen to your spouse as well. My sweet wife tried to share some of her emotions with me yesterday... I did the typical guy thing, “I can fix that!” “I can help you see it differently and you won’t have as much worry!”

This didn’t go over so well. I didn’t help her. I created an environment where she isn’t safe to feel... and share those feelings. I poisoned intimacy. On the very day that we just got it back! Terrible! Thankfully, the Holy Spirit was there to open my eyes... I repented to both God and wife.

No, I don’t have it all down... It’s not all “ironed out.” But I know it is imperative to go down this road! By the grace of God, we will have victory! Growing intimacy!

David

PS. For a wonderful “How to do it right!” On marital intimacy... You must first start with healthy boundaries! I’m reading “Boundaries in Marriage” By Townsend and Cloud. AWESOME.

I've learned...

2011-08-18T05:12:00.000-07:00

Our hospitalist group added a new team. Fresh out of residency. This doctor was a good resident and will be a great hospitalist. He is part of our second stroke specialized team. The first weeks my work partner and I are making ourselves extra available to answer questions since we are now "stroke experts"... I have a hard time calling myself a stroke expert, because I love asking our stroke specialized neurologists what to do in extremely tough situations. But after walking our new doctor through his first tough situation, it dawned on me just how much I have truly learned in three years of doing primarily stroke medicine. It was a good feeling.

David

Self-Centeredness and discontentment.

2011-08-07T13:11:00.000-07:00

The past several weeks since my last blog have been a swirl of emotions. At times, I felt pretty good. Other times, horrible. Discontented. Hopeless. Faithless. There were times that I was yelling at God. Anger! (at him) Sadness for my lifel. I felt abandoned... neglected... by him. Does he love me? Does he care? When my wife's health is good, it is easy to feel good. When she feels poorly, it is easy to lose hope and feel utter despair. It is from these places that I find myself almost challenging God, "Come on! Work good here! Isn't that what you do? Work good even in bad circumstances?!" So far... He continues to deliver.

God delivered again. At first, it came as a conviction. I have boundary problems. In addition to crossing over the fence of my wife's boundaries and trying to manage her life... I self impose all kinds of responsibilities on myself that take their toll on my emotional state. Responsibilities that nobody asked me to emotionally own, yet I do. So, again, God worked good out of a bad situation by enlightening me that I had boundary problems. Thankfully, God didn't just leave me there, he gave me a book that will hopefully bring to light Biblical principles to boundaries within the marital arena. Thank you Father.

He delivered even more today. I went to Lifechurch.tv and the sermon was on being bold with our prayers and our lives. What God spoke to me was that I have been way too self-centered. I've been praying lately for me me me! While he loves me deeply and cares about all of my stuff. He also wants me to care about him and his kingdom! Sure, I've always acknowledged that I want God to be glorified through my life... but I've totally lost sight of his bigger purpose. What God wants me to say is, "Father, man... Life is really really hard right now. Please let me experience your love. Help me to have faith and patience. In addition to that, help me to find joy in serving you. This is where you have me and I know your plan is to be glorified through this present situation. Help me to delight in that, and God... to you be the glory. Amen."

David

A Unified Vision

2011-07-10T18:31:00.000-07:00

It is said, "A house divided will fall."

I have been praying for more than a year that God would unite my wife and I in a unified vision for our marriage. A shared purpose. A calling if you will. Of course there is the obvious, "Tell people about Christ." As well as, "glorifying God in all that we do." But these statements are broad and apply to every follower of Christ. What I was praying for was something that my wife and I can unite together, as a team, in order to pursue. Something worth fighting for.

As my previous blog described, God seemed to move in us as we prayed for our future children. That God would make us uncommon parents. Parents that don't fit in with the rest of America, because we fit in better with the Kingdom of God. The mission: raise kingdom minded world changers.

Several days went by and I was reading a book that I thought was totally unrelated to parenting. The author shifted gears for a chapter and started describing ways to help your children navigate living as sheep among wolves. One of the ideas presented was to make your home the preferred "hang out" for your children and their friends. If this is accomplished, you'll know who they are hanging out with. You'll know what kind of influences are entering their world. Thus, you know how to defend against the strategies of the enemy. In addition, you can be a very positive influence in the lives of other children who may not have such good examples of love in their lives.

This really piqued my interest. I recalled several childhood friends whose houses were perfect examples of the "preferred hangout." I really got excited. I started remembering times in the distant past, when I used to dream about what life would be like in my future, with kids. I desired my house to be "the house." Backyard bar-b-ques, endless summer nights in the pool. I even had "Movie Pool" night where a family friendly movie was projected to a back yard screen as a pool full of friends and their children looked on. There would be pool tables, ping-pong tables, etc. This vision wasn't just about fun. It is about gaining an audience for Christ.

I shared my thoughts with Vanessa. She said she had the same thought just weeks before. To me this seemed just a little more confirmation of our unified vision. Our divine mission... something worth fighting for.

"Father, I know there are obstacles in between us and this vision that is from you. But that is okay. Because you are God! You are all powerful... and you love us. You are giving us this mission. I can trust you to remove those obstacles as we walk forward in the path you lead us down. Father, I ask that your Holy Spirit keep us focused and attentive. Give us discernment to know your voice and follow where Jesus our shepherd leads. Lead us into your divine will. I pray that you be glorified in our difficulties through delivering victories. I pray that your glory not stop there but continue to have ripple effects across space and time. Father, use us to change the next generation. In Jesus name, Amen."

David

Quick turns of the tide, and a unified vision.

2011-07-07T14:31:00.000-07:00

It seemed like any of the previous days before it. But things were different. Our progress of faith, seemed to take a backslide. Moments before this avalanche had occurred, I heard words of faith from my bride. “We need to pray from a place of faith. Not just asking God for healing, but praying as though it has already been granted.” This made sense to me. Quickly coming to mind was:

Philippians 4:6-7 - "Don't worry about anything, but pray about everything. With thankful hearts offer up your prayers and requests to God. Then, because you belong to Christ Jesus, God will bless you with peace that no one can completely understand. And this peace will control the way you think and feel."

The part about “with thankful hearts” means that you believe God will and has answered. I was encouraged by my wife’s faith.

Not more than a few hours later, all of this seemed to have unraveled. “I just need to accept that this is my life. And deal with the pain. Accept that I won’t have children.” I was really caught off guard here! Where did this come from? Where did the faith go? How did this happen?

We talked about it for awhile. I tried to restate my belief that God is in our struggle and does have good plans for her.

Psalm 103:2-5 (NIV) “Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits--- who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.”

Yet all my talk, all my prayers, all the scriptures... still I saw within her big doubt. Acceptance of defeat. At this I encouraged her, “When our faith is low, who can deliver us strengthened faith? God. We need to seek him, right now.” I dialed up a Lifechurch.tv sermon that came to mind. I texted a few friends to pray for my wife’s faith and hope and that God would do something great. Prayers started shooting up to the heavens.

As we were going through the sermon, I know I was encouraged. I don’t know what was going on within my wife’s heart and mind. Shortly after that Vanessa started talking about things she would want to do different than the rest of the world regarding raising a family. Breaking of worldly traditions in favor of starting new traditions around holiday’s focused on serving and giving the poor. Rather than the gluttony of the Americanized Christmas holidays. This is something I feel strongly about too. Just read my blog “Why I feel sad at Christmas.”

I began to pray out loud. I prayed like this:

“Father, I come before you now with my wife. I lift her up to you. You have blessed her not only with a desire for children, but a deeper desire to raise children to be uncommon. To stand out from the rest of the world as Christ followers. Children who are a Kingdom minded people who live differently... to be world changers for Christ. Father I know the kind of parents you would desire us to be, and I acknowledge that we could never be those types of parents unless we have gone through something very difficult... something that only YOU could and DID deliver us from. Father, I pray that you would bring the healing power of Jesus Christ to my wife’s body, and that you would bless us with a family. And that your victory in our lives and in Vanessa’s health can only be explained by the fact that you did the supernatural and you brought healing. You prepared us to be parents for building kingdom minded warriors for Christ, world changers!”

The tears started flowing. Both in myself and my wife. The desire for children were small compared to the desires to raise children for the call of Christ to Glorify the father. So, I continued, “Father, we need you to build our faith. Overcome our disbelief! Have victory in our lives Father. Thank you for the place we find ourselves where only you can save us. For then we will have a powerful testimony and you will be glorified in our lives for all to see! Father, bring people to Christ by witnessing your glory in our lives. Father help us walk forward in the victory you have already won! In Jesus name... AMEN!!!! OH, WAIT!! God, just think of how much more glory you will get for delivering us from this place, healing my wife, giving us children, and helping us to raise them for your kingdom. To be world changers! Think of it God. Please, be glorified in our lives! We belong to you! We will serve you always! In Jesus name... AMEN!!”

Now this brings to mind a previous blog about when God gave me a personal revelation. In the early morning hours, God coordinated speaking to both my friend Justin and I to deliver the scripture. Habakkuk 2:3 "At the time I have decided, my words will come true. You can trust what I say about the future. It may take a long time, but keep on waiting--it will happen!" Within the context of our struggle. It was a profound statement. (see here for that post)

The events today also uncovered something I had been asking God to do for my wife and I. Unite us in a common vision for our lives. I believe the common vision is to raise children to be Kingdom minded followers of Christ. To stand out and look different than the rest of the world. To be world changers!

Honestly, when I think about being a parent. It seems scary. But when I think about raising my future children to be Christ centered world changers. I feel empowered... enthusiastic and focused.

"God! Have your way with me! Give me a big dream! Be glorified through my life! Be glorified through my wife's life! Bring an overwhelming victory in our lives that no one can explain other than the God of the universe loves us and works miracles! Amen!"

David

Slight of hand... Satan's hand.

2011-06-30T16:29:00.000-07:00

I've often heard Christians quote the Bible... err.. MISquote the Bible. They say, "Then I just remind myself that God says He won't give me more than I can handle."

I think one of the tactics of our enemy is to take God's truth, and spin it. Just enough of a twist so that the true meaning is perverted into something harmful and misleading. The truth is: 1 Corinthians 10:13 "No temptation has overtaken you that is not common to man. God is faithful he will not let you be TEMPTED beyond your ability, but with the temptation he will also provide the way of escape, that you may be able to endure it."

Note how different that is! People think God won't give them situations and trials to face that THEY ALONE cannot handle. We too often try to handle these trials WITHOUT God. Note my friend's statement in the opening paragraph, "more than I can handle." They use "I"... "I" does not include God's unlimited power. This statement is in direct opposition to Psalms 71:20 "Though you have me see troubles, many and bitter, YOU will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you again bring me up." Also in 2 Corinthians 1:9 "We felt we were doomed to die and saw how powerless we were to help ourselves; but that was good, for then we put everything INTO THE HANDS OF GOD, who alone could save us."

IT IS NOT ALL UP TO US! Don't be fooled. We will be given trials too big for us to handle by our own power. Call on the name of the Lord.

David

Morning or Night?

2011-06-30T15:10:00.001-07:00

Periodically, I feel convinced God wants me to spend time with him in the morning... before I start my day. I get excited and I focused. I last about 4 days, then revert back to the "whenever I can squeeze it in," mentality.

Earlier in life, before life was substantially more difficult, I could not tell any added benefit from the early morning "God time." More recently, I can.

When I read God's word and pray at night, I'm usually licking my wounds by the end of the day. Picking up the pieces... asking God to "put humpty dumpty back together again." In contrast, when I spend my mornings with God... the trouble still comes, but I seemed emotionally and spiritually prepared for it. I navigated my day with more grace. By nightfall, there were no major wounds to lick. No pieces to put back together. Just minor scrapes and bruises. Small enough as to not cause any troublesome pain.

I'm starting to see each day as a spiritual battle. If I wait till night to engage with the Almighty... It means I've gone through my day of battle without my armor on. So of course I'll be beaten to a pulp! What was I expecting? But now, as I've spent the last several mornings connecting with God, the armor is ON. I've been prepared! Though trouble did come, I was ready. Ready to defend myself from the slings and arrows of our enemy. It paid off too. I did not fall into old patterns of "reacting." Instead, I sensed the Holy Spirit directing my response to the challenges. By grace, I came out of each day's battle standing in God's victory.

I see real progress here. Glory to God. I MUST keep this up!

David

Gaining ground, losing focus.

2011-06-22T18:47:00.000-07:00

Things have been on the upswing. My emotional state. My hope. My faith. Everything was improving. Things were getting better for my wife, too. Her health seemed to be making progress, her outlook on life. Her faith. Her hope... Increasing.

It felt like the attacks by our enemy, Satan, were diminishing. Or possibly he was just changing strategy. His current strategy, was to worsen my wife’s health on the day of our appointments for Christian counseling. (Don’t worry, no marital problems, just trying to deal with life in a better way.) But the counseling had been rough for her because of this. Yet, I saw the Holy Spirit at work within my wife!

I had been a serious prayer warrior. There was a large health obstacle for her to get passed to make it to each session. Once arrived, she was focused, and would really get after it. Engaged with the work God was doing in her... in us.

We were seeing definite change and progress within our hearts, spiritual lives, and just day to day living. God was moving! It was becoming easier and easier for my wife to make it to counseling. She no longer had to bring a vomit bucket with her in the car! Her pain was diminishing. Her IBS, or abdominal migraines, or whatever you want to call it was finally showing signs of improvement. I thought, “God, you are blessing my wife’s health as we walk forward as you lead!”

But something happened. It was so gradual... I didn’t even notice it until it had completely fallen away. I was no longer my wife’s prayer warrior. I had become lazy... unfocused. A spiritual couch potato. This last counseling appointment, my wife was hit with pain less than one hour before our appointment. She looked totally defeated.

She did not make it there. I went alone. As I was driving down the road I began shouting at God. “Father! What’s going on here?! What am I supposed to do now?! Come on God, work good in this! That’s what you do isn’t it? Work good out of the bad?” I went on... “I’m angry, and frustrated. I’m mad! What’s going on?!”

God spoke back. He reminded me of all those times where my wife pushed through the pain and nausea to make it to counseling... he reminded me of how much time and energy I put into praying for her. I’d pray that the work of Jesus Christ on the cross would free my wife. Shield her from the attacks of the enemy. That Jesus himself would summon his angels to fight on her behalf in the spiritual realms. I’d pray for the Holy Spirit to empower her to over come. God then pointed out to me that I did not pray one time for her leading up to tonights counseling session.

I lost focus. I got lazy and complacent. This is a key strategy of our enemy. He may back off a little while so we let our guard down. The he pounds us with a powerful offensive attack.

"Father, thank you for showing me where I went wrong. Help me to keep my focus."

Prayer is key. It is not some little thing I do to feel good. It unleashes Holy power! It is indispensable.

David

Divine Appointments: Laguna Beach.

2011-05-14T14:41:00.000-07:00

The first few days in Laguna Beach have been great. The constant battle against health problems and strategies of our enemy who wants to destroy hope (and us) seem to be held at bay. We are getting much needed rest and restoration... Oh, but how quickly things can change.

Vacation day 3, everything changes. On the way to breakfast, my wife is hit with a serious wave of nausea. She thought she was going to be sick. She marks out the path to the bathroom in case of emergency. The nausea gives way to severe bad abdominal pain. We had already ordered food, so instead of going back to the house she lays in the parked car while the rest of us try and finish up. The pain didn't really begin to let up till late afternoon. It's nothing new, we should be used to it... but I felt very discouraged. I journaled to God my raw emotions.

"God. Father. I feel scared. I feel this sense of future defeat... Like I might as well just give up now and stop trying to really live life... and stay at home. I will miss out on life, but it is easier, and I don't have to confront disappointment... I'm just feeling defeated. God help me. Are you even there?!! Speak to me! please God!!!" (that's the abbreviated version.)

I've been journaling like this for just a few weeks. My next step is to journal as though God were speaking to me and sharing truth from his Word. So, I proceeded to hit the usual scriptures I've been leaning on for the past three years or so. I believe them in my mind, but my heart struggles to feel them.

Minutes later...
I see a young woman coming up the steps to the front door. "Door to door sales people always have the best timing!" I think sarcastically. I planned on telling her to leave. I worked it out in my head, "I'm not the homeowner, I'm on vacation!" But I didn't.

I listened as Shaynee told me how at 18 years of age, she was a broken alcoholic. She blacked out, she doesn't remember what happened at her rock bottom. When she woke she was in jail, but she wasn't alone. God was pursuing her! From there He led her to TeenChallenge. A 12 month inpatient Christian based rehab. She had nothing left to lose... she gave Jesus a chance. She told of how during her ascent out of this painful valley God brought healing and restoration to places she didn't even know existed. But they were there, deep within her heart and her past. She discovered the words of King David were true. Psalms 71:20 - though you have me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up.

Shaynee told of how through the glory of God revealed in her life, others came to know him as well. Her brother gave his life to Christ. Others as well. Revelation 12:11 says, "They overcame him (Satan) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony." Sometimes, preaching isn't enough. Sometimes all the scripture in the world falls on deaf ears... hardened hearts. But the story of God's power transforming someone's life is a beacon to the lost.

I shared with her where I was just minutes before. That I was journaling a prayer to God, one of my fears and doubt. I told her that her story really touched me and strengthened me. A divine appointment. A Reminder. A proof. God is in this valley! He IS leading us out! She prayed for Vanessa and I. We prayed for her.

Glory to God! Praise his name!

David

PS. Skeptical of divine appointments? I understand... You call them coincidence. But they are just too perfect and too poignant to be coincidence. Often, both sides of the appointment receive much needed a message, encouragement, affirmation, etc. Take this one for example:

Shaynee was feeling discouraged. Doors in the face and all. It had been months since she had a "divine appointment"... In my experience, divine appointments are rarely one sided. In this instance, all three of us were reaffirmed and encouraged. Now, for this encounter to occur, many things had to fall into place. Vanessa had to be sick, so we'd be stuck at home. Also, our California hosts had to be out of the house. They had just run to the store. (otherwise they would have answered the door and probably sent her on her way.) AND Vanessa had to recover from feeling horrible just soon enough that she could come outside and stand there listening to Shaynee's testimony... Also, there is only ONE DAY A YEAR that Laguna Beach allows door to door charity inquiries!!! and ALL of this happened! All at the precise right moment.

GOD IS IN THIS!

The message to my wife and I: The road to healing is long. The enemy will continue to attack. God will bring healing to the deeper issues likely before we are physically healed. He will lead us to a better place. Many others will be brought to Christ by the words of our testimony, God's power and love revealed! AMEN!!!

The message to Shaynee: God is using her testimony and her efforts to serve for his purpose! Continue on! You are God's warrior!

Click to learn more about Teen Challenge.

Perspective of a Vagabond

2011-05-07T17:58:00.000-07:00

There is a trail in midtown. It used to be a railroad track. It snakes around behind expensive houses. There are big trees, dense wooded areas. Eventually it breaks free from the houses and empties onto an wooden bridge that spans the river. I was due a run in my quest to be physically and emotionally healthy, so I ventured out. Early into my run, I pass by a man. He looked very homeless. Long unkempt hair. Wild bushy beard. Clothes that are quite out of season. Why do so many homeless people wear a jacket or trench coat even in the heat of summer?!

Anyways, this gentleman caught my attention differently than most of the homeless people I see walking this trail. He had an old suitcase. It was brown leather, like a saddle. It was worn, but still looked sturdy. It looks like a suitcase that should have traveled all around the country in the back of a 1960's Buick. This man stood still in the middle of the path, facing the east. Motionless.
Suitcase on the ground next to him. Staring up at the sky. He looked mesmerized. As I pulled my ear bud out of my right ear. I hear the music change from The Black Angels to some semi-country music. It sounds live. I hear the sound of people's gathered in one of these expensive home's back yard. Must be party.

I wonder, does the homeless man feel sad? Is he lonely as he walks down this path alone... while he eave drops in on a party of well off people who have likely hired a local band to play for their friends? I didn't know. But he appeared to be enjoying the second hand concert.

I jog on. Eventually, I make a 180 and head back. I catch up to the homeless man. By this time, I am walking. He smiles at me, while toting his weathered suitcase. "Hi." He sounds so happy. Like this is one of the best days in weeks. "It's getting hot," I say. "It's beautiful!" he says with a real twinkle in his eye.

I think about him for the rest of the day. Here is a man who looks as if he has no real home. I imagine he has no one to love. All his worldly possessions fit in a beat up old suitcase which he has to carry for miles. He doesn't get invited to back yard cookouts. He has to listen in... though a fence... as the wealthy people enjoy their blessings. Yet, he seems as though he is completely content... and is truly enjoying himself. Joyful. It appears as if he enjoyed that back yard bar-b-que more than the people who were actually there. I literally sense him soaking up each and every tiny little thing as though it is the most amazing and profound blessing. Sunshine. A warm breeze. A squirrel darting across his path. He must be walking with God.

Why is it that those of us who have more blessings than we can count, can feel so empty? Discontented. I figure... This homeless man has "it" figured out. Contentment.

David

We Are Broken

2011-05-06T19:06:00.000-07:00

I have a memory from my youth. I cannot remember exactly when I had this thought... But I remember the thought clearly. I was probably in high school at the time. I recognized that some people have been though very difficult times in life. Tragedies. Horrible evils inflicted upon them, though they were innocent victims. These tough times leaves them emotionally wounded, broken. I saw them as defective. Blemished. Like buying something at a garage sale. It might not work right. They're a gamble. I remember thinking, "I don't want to marry someone who is broken." I feared their blemishes would taint or interrupt my pursuit of "happiness"... Which was really just my pursuit of self-indulgent pleasure, comfort, and ease. I remembered feeling bad for these broken people.

Recently, I had a new thought, from my new perspective I can see the truth. I am broken. We are ALL broken. Defective. Scarred. Though many of us can function very well single, our brokenness makes marriage very difficult. I never knew I was broken. But I am. We all are... Some scars are just easier to spot.

We are shaped by our past. We figure out, on a subconscious level, how to "do life"... It worked for us in that system. At least it got us by... But it was an imperfect system, created by an imperfect heart. Then in marriage, we face a new life system. All the nuances of our spouses heart creates a problem for our old way of doing things. This makes marriage difficult. Maybe even impossible. I think it might be one of the most difficult things you can do. There's a reason 50% of marriages end in divorce. If you want a good marriage... there is no easy way to get there. In many cases, divorce is just "the easy way out." The other easy way out is disengagement. Lack of intimacy. The once lovers become "roommates" void of love and intimacy.

This is one of the reason's God loves marriage. His plan for us always includes efforts to make us better, more lovely, more loving, more like Christ. Marriage is God's plan to expose the rough edges we all have. His plan to get us to push through and work on ourselves. To face our issues from the past... So that HE can heal us. He will refine us like gold in a fire.

Theres a lot at stake. He's entrusted us with much, the precious responsibility of our spouses heart.

God loves marriage.

David

Modern Sayings

2011-04-30T05:30:00.001-07:00

Bless her heart. My mom is great! But I guess there are just some sayings that you have to learn when you're young. This one must not have existed during my mom's youth. It must be "modern"? or maybe it was regional? I don't know.

We ate at a Guatemalan restaurant. Next to the register they had some pastries. "Cheese Poundcake Loaf". My mom wanted to try that. She bought one. When we got into the car, she started unwrapping it... she turns to me and says, "you wanna pinch off my loaf?"

I couldn't stop laughing. ;-) "Yah, let me pinch it off!"

David

To Hope Or Not To Hope.

2011-04-30T05:12:00.000-07:00

I feel myself guarding against disappointment. I've had my hopes up before, and disappointment came my way. This time I think, "I won't put my hopes in this test or this treatment... though I hope it works. But my deeper Hope (with a capital H) is in God who is ALWAYS faithful." So, if this new treatment doesn't work, I will lean on my faithful heavenly Father who is still leading us THROUGH this valley. He does not stop leading just because this next treatment isn't THE answer. But, I hope it is. He knows what he is doing. He doesn't waste any hurt.

Now, if it does provide relief... we must press on in our pursuit of truth and emotional healing. God is doing a good work that we never would have sought after if it weren't for this pain he let into our life. It drove us to seek emotional help with a truly anointed Christian psychologist. There is a better, freer, fuller, and more intimate life out there to which God wants to lead us. We've been initiated on the journey, and mustn't stop till his work is complete.

David

Deuteronomy 7:2-3 "Don't forget how the LORD your God has led you through the desert for the past forty years. He wanted to find out if you were truly willing to obey him and depend on him, so he made you go hungry. Then he gave you manna... The LORD was teaching you that people need more than food to live... They need every word that the LORD has spoken."

Psalm 71:20 "Though you have me see troubles, many and bitter, you will restore my life again; from the depths of the earth you will again bring me up."

James 1:12 "God will bless you, if you don't give up when your faith is being tested. He will reward you with a glorious life, just as he rewards everyone who loves him."

Romans 8:28-29 "We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose. Those whom God has already chosen he also set apart to become like his Son, so that the Son would be the first among many believers."

I'm not God.

2011-04-26T19:28:00.000-07:00

I've heard for decades that as a man and a follower of Christ, I am to be a spiritual leader for my wife. Sounds good. Noble. Holy. I've been married now almost four years. For more than four years I've been quite frustrated in this role. Many attempts seem to cause more of a rift that a holy moment of growth.

I've been praying for some time that God would give me wisdom in this role. He is moving. He has brought my attention to some "agreements" I've made that are based on lies from our cunning enemy. You know him as Satan. He is real... and he intends to destroy us.

So, what is this "agreement"?? For years and years I've been living under the thought that "It is up to me to lead and move my wife in her spiritual growth." In more recent times its been even more severe... "God is the only way out of this difficult trial. If I don't see my wife vigorously seeking Him, then I must lead her to Him or we will both be stuck in this dark place." In essence, I'm trying to "be God" or more precisely the Holy Spirit. How ridiculous! It's not up to me to do that which I cannot even do for myself. It is God who first loved me. Is it me who leads me to the truth? No! It's the Holy Spirit.

God said, "David! Let me be God. You be a husband... and love her!"

So then, what is this spiritual leadership? It's not leading as a coach leads his team. It's doing the very thing that I hope and pray she does. My leadership is to look like this... I seek God, he leads me. God works in me to make me more like his son. Baring the fruit of the spirit. I share with Vanessa my journey. I share with her my struggles and what God says to me as I seek him. She sees God's glory and the work of his hand and is inspired to do the same.

It seems so obvious.

David.

Don't Drown Yourself, Love Robot.

2011-04-06T05:37:00.000-07:00

"Till death do us part." I figured, if I said this... I should also lay down my life for my wife. Every day. Every moment. Sacrifice myself, if that's what she needs. It sounded noble.

That's what I've been trying to do for some time now. Yes, there will be times when what I want or feel like doing need to take the back seat. Her health issues may require a change in "my" plans. But for too long, I've pretended that I am some sort of love robot. Just dial in the "service" mode and turn the robot on. It has an endless power supply. Never needs servicing. Never needs anything for itself. At least this is how I was operating in life.

I didn't honestly think that I was a robot, void of any rest or recreation requirement. I tell my patients' families to make sure they take care of themselves. Spend a little time each day relaxing and doing something they enjoy so that they can recharge as they are taking care of their hospitalized family member. Yet, I seemed to ignore this advice in my life. It took it's toll. It killed my ability to experience joy, fun, and hope. It hindered me from loving my wife. I wasn't in a place to act out of kindness and love. I was tired and snippy.

I knew I needed to take time for "me" activities. Yet, I always felt guilty for having fun or being away. This was no cause of Vanessa's actions or words. She ALWAYS told me that I should go... have some "David" time. I just couldn't seem to shake the feeling of guilt. I did have some "me" time. Occasionally, I'd wake up at 5:30 in the morning and go to the Village Inn or some other crappy breakfast place and read or blog. I can't feel guilty for not being at home if she is asleep! This didn't solve my underlying problem of guilt, but it did recharge me. It felt great to be out in the city. No traffic. No people. Only a hint of light as the sun approached my horizon. Crisp still air. Radiohead in my ears.

I went to a Christian counselor, a PhD. She gave me instructions. She reaffirmed what Vanessa has always told me. GO! Be David. Do David-type things! She gave me instructions of what to do with the feelings of guilt. First she asked me, "Who gives you the guilt? God or the enemy?" Guilt if given from God is in the form of recognition of a sin, which is meant to lead to repentance. I had committed no sin by taking an hour for a run. Hitting the golf course. Hanging with a buddy. Etc. I acknowledged my guilt was the enemy trying to wear me down. Of course, you can over do this, ignoring your spouse. But that wasn't where I was. I was ignoring myself! "What do we need? ... Not to neglect our own needs while devoting ourselves to those of others, and not to neglet the needs of others while being engrossed in our own." - Francois Fenelon

She also gave me a book. "Pure Pleasure". The author describes in many ways why enjoying worldly pleasures is an essential part of a balanced Christian life. This does not mean indulging in illicit pleasures. Rather, enjoying the world that God created in a way that is glorifying to God. The book spends a good deal of time helping people try to identify what pleasures God has designed them especially to enjoy.

I remember thinking back to some past blogs I've written in which I felt like I found part of myself that had been missing or completely ignored for months or even years. The activities enjoyed that made me feel like me included reading in a coffee shop, listening to music I like, golf, time with my guy friends, and time in solitude. You might think, "but David, you go to Double Shot for coffee every day?!" Ahh.... yes, but it wasn't in time alone as it used to be. I need more time to reflect... introspect and process. I need to listen to my music, read. These things stimulate my imagination.

Now I try and make a point to have more David time. Not excessive. I also make it a point to ditch the guilt. Call out the lies of the enemy that were trying to control me by tricking me into feeling so bad. It has made a huge difference. Though I'm not yet perfect at this... I do respond to my wife with more love, kindness, tenderness than before. I feel more joy. Hope has reappeared. When a horrible day comes, I am strong and ready to handle it. I am a better person and a better spouse. Guilt free.

David

UPDATE: It's been a few weeks since I posted the above. I still battle the tendency towards guilt. Example: I had told Van that I was going to go to the driving range after work because it was such a beautiful day. She calls me around four o'clock and asks if I could drive out to the mall after work. She wanted me to look at a dress she was trying on. We almost got into an argument about it, because I didn't know how to handle my feelings. On one hand, I felt I should drop the golf plans and support and help my wife. "What's more important David? Golf or your wife? If you tell her you can't because you are going golfing she will feel hurt and unloved." THAT'S WHAT RUNS THROUGH MY MIND! The other thing on my mind was how I made plans for "David time" and that I should keep it, and she can figure out if the dress is something she wants to purchase or not. I proceed to try and tell her how to handle the dress... buy it, don't buy it, buy it and return it if you don't end up liking it. She felt stuck and wanted to know what I thought. Now, I still contend, she could have figured it out on her own, but if she wanted my opinion and it was a viable option... why shouldn't I?

So then, why could I not just drop by the mall THEN go golf? I didn't want to do this because if I drop by the mall before I golf, it may mean I won't get home till 8pm. Then I WILL feel guilty for not being there after she hasn't seen me all day. THANKFULLY the elevator cut off our call and I had time to process what was actually happening. I call her back when I regained signal, and I said... "Honey, I was feeling guilty if my golf runs later because I came to the mall. But that's silly. I'm on my way to the mall (3 miles from the course), and I'm going to go golfing after that. This means I will be home around eight o'clock tonight if that's okay." It was. I went to the mall. I gave her my two cents on the dress... She looked amazing. Sexy. But, I agreed with her, it was too sexy for most occasions she wears a dress for.... weddings, church, funerals, date's to the ballet, etc. She didn't get the dress... but we ate dinner at the mall. I went golfing on the PERFECT evening. First nine holes of the year. Shot a 38. Made it home by 8:15... GUILT FREE! We had a lovely night and went to bed.

FORGET THE GUILT.

David

Simple Pleasures Are the Best Pleasures.

2011-04-03T11:10:00.001-07:00

I've had a nice several weeks. My wife has seen some good times, though still some distressing times as well. We traveled to Austin to visit our friend Randy and partake of some of the "SXSW" activities. (That's "South by Southwest" for anyone who didn't know. A music and film festival.) We also made it to Edmond, OK to visit Vanessa's family.

I think my favorite memory of this past weekend in Edmond was when I took in the simple pleasure of a beautiful spring dusk. I had a cool breeze blowing across my face while watching a "V" of Canadian geese flying across the sky as my wife was smiling and laughing as she was kidding around in the front yard with her 10 year old sister Preslie. God, thank you! I'm literally with tears rolling down my face as I remember that scene. How it felt in my soul. Just peace and contentment. Love. God's blessing. Seeing my wife full of bliss and joy! The simple pleasures he designed for our enjoyment. His creation. The beauty of nature. The beauty of my wife's heart... smiling... embracing the heart of her sister Preslie and just enjoying the familial love. God! I love you!!! Thank you!!! Praise to you!!! Praise to you for allowing such a moment in time. During this difficult time of life when so much of life is a struggle. Thank you! Praise to you! Praise to your mercy! Praise to your blessing! Praise to the love you have shown us through one another! PRAISE TO YOU!!!

I'm writing all this after my sweet wife had a terrible morning, just the morning after such a blessed day, she was attacked by another episode of acute and severe abdominal pain. It is distressing to her. Severely. I cannot blame her. The working diagnosis is still abdominal migraine... possible abdominal epilepsy. Both are rare. Probably under diagnosed. I imagine there are a large number of people who have similar and just don't see one of the rare specialists who might even consider such a diagnosis.

Anyways. I write these above "praises" because this is what God has asked of me. I asked him "What do you want me to do?!" when I am hurting. So here it is. I praise Him. I praise His holy name!

David

PS I have not words strong enough... big enough... to describe the way I feel for my wife. Her heart is the most beautiful and wonderful gift God has given me, after his son Jesus. Vanessa... I LOVE YOU!!!!!

Attack of the False Beliefs.

2011-03-08T07:09:00.000-08:00

There are little whispers of thoughts that occur deep down. I never verbalized mine, but they were there. "Life is never going to turn out the way you'd hoped." or "God has forsaken you." At first I resisted. As the days went by and I kept getting smacked in the face by these little whispers, I cracked. I said, "it's true." Again, these thoughts were never verbalized or shared, but they killed hope.

What happens next? A resignation. A denouncing of God's promise. I felt "I'm really not ever going to have any lasting joy." What do you do when you believe that? For me, I felt that in life... I'd just have to "grind it out"... Do what I'm supposed to do. Because I belong to God. Joy, though, wasn't an option. I'd have to settle for periodic "relief". Relief in the form of little distractions that cause me to feel good for just a little bit, before I have to face reality again.

This is the plot of the devil. He will "first try to take away all joy from my life. Wear me down. Then, weary and thirsty, I would be quite vulnerable to some counterfeit joy. It would start with mild addictions, then build to something worse. Thus he would destroy all that God has done in and through me. It was so obvious." (John Eldridge. Walking With God.)

John Eldridge hit the nail on the head. This is the plan of the evil one. This is what he intends. Yet as we know from scripture... What Satan plans for evil, God can use for good. God may be allowing this difficult time in life, but I think he wants me to get something good from this time. Get that real happiness (joy) isn't dependent on any outward circumstance, but comes from him. He wants to teach me how to find his joy. I've found it at brief moments, but then I lose my way. He wants me to learn to live it, day in and day out. Nehemiah 8:10 "The joy of the LORD is your strength." My strength to survive this trial is going to come from the strength that is the joy of the Lord. For the moments I've had it, the difficult wasn't distressing. I didn't have this fear looming over me. That isn't from God. 2 Timothy 1:7 "For God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind."

"God, help me to see the attacks of Satan... to acknowledge they are lies meant to destroy me. Help me remember your word, your truth. Defeat the attacks of the evil one and deliver me into your joy and your hope. Amen."

You are either moving forward, or backwards. There is no middle ground, no "staying the same." We MUST move forward.

David

ADDENDUM: God not only wants us to experience a joy that is not dependent on circumstance, but he ALSO wants us to experience pleasure. Why else did he create sex, beautiful sunsets, delicious food, and endorphins?! He delights when we delight in the good things he gives us! I have scripture to back this up.

Psalm 104:14-15,28 (NIV)
He makes grass grow for the cattle, and plants for man to cultivate---bringing forth food from the earth: [15] wine that gladdens the heart of man, oil to make his face shine, and bread that sustains his heart. [28] When you give it to them, they gather it up; when you open your hand, they are satisfied with good things.

Psalm 103:1-5
Praise the Lord, O my soul; all my inmost being, praise his holy name. [2] Praise the Lord, O my soul, and forget not all his benefits--- [3] who forgives all your sins and heals all your diseases, [4] who redeems your life from the pit and crowns you with love and compassion, [5] who satisfies your desires with good things so that your youth is renewed like the eagle's.

Note... This says "good things" not exactly what YOU think is best... What he thinks is best. So, NOT an affair... Not addictions. Not someone else's demise. Just good things... and yes, good includes pleasure. He invented pleasure after all. It is Satan who perverts it. Satan tries harness it for your destruction.

Professionalism: 2 Birds, 2 Stones.

2011-03-07T17:36:00.000-08:00

Working in a hospital can be gross. Not too long ago, one of the physical therapists and a PT student were walking an old dude down the hall… Old-Dude reaches back behind his gown and pulls out a turd. Hands it to the PT student. He takes it from him and runs it to the bathroom while the more seasoned PT keeps on walking Old-Dude. They make it back to the room… Old-Dude pulls out yet another turd… hands it off… and crawls up into bed.

Nice walk. Killed two birds with one stone… well, lets call it two birds and two “stones”... HA!!!

The PT student got an A for professionalism. Well done sir... well done.

David

Extemporaneous Detail

2011-03-05T20:24:00.000-08:00

Not too infrequently, I come across patients who are experts at giving extemporaneous detail. I've mentioned this before, but I had such a classic case recently it drove me to blog, yet again.

He could have summed it up as, "I took four baby aspirin." Or better yet, "I took aspirin." Instead, he went the verbose route. "Well, as I was walking out of the house... well, actually, I wasn't out of the house, my wife was coming into the house, but I told her that I just didn't feel right and I know that you just discharged me but this was completely different and since I had a heart surgery I was concerned it could have been a heart attack so as I was walking with the wife through the kitchen on the way to the garage I saw the bottle of aspirin on the counter. It was baby aspirin. We leave it out on the counter. We don't have any little kids around the place so its not dangerous or anything. It's just me and the misses and the wiener dog. Anyways I took four baby aspirin. They are 81 mg and if you take four of them they equal one adult aspirin... so I took four baby aspirin on my way out the door."

I tried interrupting and redirecting him. This usually works like a charm. For this ole dude, it just caused a great anger. I may have pushed the issue to get to the main points... but I sorta had fun looking over at his wife. Head buried in her hands... periodically looking up, opening her mouth with a severe look of impatience wearing on her face... then, mouth shuts and head buries into her hands again. I could sense the frustration literally boiling with in her.

Was this man always like this? I usually fine this in the elderly population. Is this my future? Am I doomed to ramble on with tidbits of information that do not add to the content of the story? Am I heading towards social skill dementia? Maybe this guy had Asperger's or something? Man, I hope so. If this were to be my future... I don't want to know it.

David

Praise: Despite or For?

2011-03-04T04:10:00.000-08:00

A few blogs ago, I relearned a lesson of praising God even when in pain. My way of praising was to recognize and praise God for all of the wonderful attributes of himself and other areas in my life that feel blessed. God said... "That's great. But its not enough!"

Yesterday came and seemed it would shape up to be a decent day. Things changed. Vanessa had a bad pain descend on her abdomen and it was unrelenting. Usually, the pain comes in a wave. Coming. Going. This time, it came and stayed. She took some pain medicine. Curled up in a ball. Prayers sent up asking for speedy relief. I texted some friends and family asking for their powerful prayer as well. Thank you for the prayers.

Before pain had a chance to be relieved, my wife sought God. Isn't this why God created pain? It is to direct us to address a problem, turning to Him. Vanessa loaded up the most recent Lifechurch.tv sermon on her computer. We had missed church this past week. I was working and she felt too bad in the evenings to go. Just the title alone inspired a sense of significance. The Holy Spirit ministered to my wife and let her know. "This message is for you. It is what you need!" It's what I needed as well.

The sermon was on our identity in Christ as an overcomer. More than conquerers! Romans 8:37 "Nay, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him that loved us." Romans 8:35 "Who shall separate us from the love of Christ? shall tribulation, or anguish, or persecution, or famine, or nakedness, or peril, or sword?"

Pastor Craig painted a picture of the mentality of someone who knew they belong to Christ and are thus designed for God to conquer the obstacles of life. First off, WE ARE NOT VICTIMS!!! Victims cry out "Poor me! God isn't paying attention and he doesn't care. I'm doomed to suffer forever and wither away. Life will always be full of misery."

WE ARE OVERCOMERS IN CHRIST!!! The talk of an overcomer: "GOD! This is all too much for me, but it is NOT too much for YOU!!! Nothing can separate me from you! You love obstacles, because when you crush them, our faith grows and you are glorified! God thank you for loving me enough to allow this hardship to come, because I anxiously and excitedly await to see your power and glory displayed as you crush this obstacle! Wiping it out of my life. Bringing me closer to you! God, I know you are good! I know you don't waste hurts. I know you would have only allowed this pain to come IF there were something bigger and more profound that could not be accomplished otherwise. You ONLY have the best of plans! I trust you! I am your servant! I PRAISE YOU FOR ALLOWING THE PAIN, because without it... I would fail to see your glory displayed. I would fail to be shaped into the likeness of your son. I would fail to receive your full blessing."

As I saw my wife's faith being strengthened... As I saw God accomplishing a very important thing in her heart... I realized, this could not have happened if the pain didn't come that day. We wouldn't have watched the sermon. Even if we did, her heart wouldn't have been desperate and ready to receive the message to the depth it was.

God, I praise you FOR allowing the pain. Satan intended it to harm us, but God... you intended it for good. (Genesis 50:20)

I can see that the past three years of health struggles aren't just about our physical health. He is accomplishing something that will last a lifetime. Nay, BEYOND our lifetime. He is breaking us... ridding ourselves of all sorts of sin and selfishness. Making us willing servants who joyfully live by the Spirit. For HIS kingdom. He is helping us to see and know him better! He is making us better. Better able to serve him. More able to represent him and serve others. Ephesians 2:10 - "God has created us for a life of good deeds, which he has already prepared for us to do." But as we were... we were not ready or willing to serve. He is getting us ready. Just as he readied Joseph in Genesis.

God, I praise you FOR allowing the pain.

David

Key Scripture:

Psalms 42:11 Why am I discouraged? Why am I restless? I trust you! and I will praise you again because you help me, and you are my God.

James 1:12 "God will bless you, if you don't give up when your faith is being tested. He will reward you with a glorious life, just as he rewards everyone who loves him."

Romans 8:28-29 - "We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose. Those whom God had already chosen he also set apart to become like his Son, so that the Son would be the first among many believers."

Phil 1:6 - "he who began the good work within you will keep right on helping you grow in his grace until his task within you is finally finished on that day when Jesus Christ returns."

James 1:4 - "Don't try to get out of anything prematurely. Let it do its work so you become mature and well-developed."

2 Continthians 12:9-10a - “I am glad to boast about my weaknesses, so that the power of Christ may work through me. Since I know it is all for Christ's good, I am quite content with my weaknesses.” - contentment in our weaknesses is an expression of faith in God's goodness.

Philip 4:13 - Christ gives me the strength to face anything.

Romans 8:26 Meanwhile, the moment we get tired in the waiting, God's Spirit is right alongside helping us along. If we don't know how or what to pray, it doesn't matter. He does our praying in and for us, making prayer out of our wordless sighs, our aching groans.

Emotional Empeti

2011-02-21T07:52:00.000-08:00

Do other people think and feel? You wouldn't know it by looking at their faces. You wouldn't know it by talking with them.

You may have the belief that I think and feel more than most people... if you read this blog. It is so exposed. Or so it seems. Yet there are a host of others thoughts and pools of emotions that I do not bear on this blog. They are even deeper. More raw. Not held up and examined, "Do I really feel this way? Do I really believe this?" Instead, they are pure impulse... and question. This blog is an exposition of the consistent currents of emotion and thoughts that have been examined... pondered on... and many a question, brought to an answer.

There is more behind your experience of an emotion than most of us are aware of, at a personal level. Mr. X, your anger isn't because you are "simply angry." It's because you are scared. It's because when you were a child and your dad lost his job and you lost your home... your dad started drinking... and changed. Your family never was the same. Now, you are afraid similar tragedy could happen to your family... and that you'd be the cause. Or, Mrs Y, you don't really want to die... you are just tired. You've been working two jobs, raising your children, bills aren't getting paid, your boss threatened to fire you and you really don't trust that God can provide for you. You don't trust that your friend and family love you and will help in time of need. You are just exhausted and anxious, and you don't trust in the goodness of God.

It's this string of causes, emotional impeti, to which people don't pay enough attention. They are focused on the feeling of anger... or the feeling of utter hopelessness... and they indulge it. They feed it. Baby it. They worship it and become a slave to it.

Could all of these things be going on in the hearts and minds of the people around you? Similar things are going on in me... different issues... different emotions... different etiologies. But they are there. In this blog, my mask is only half way off. Many people keep their mask on their entire lives. In every arena of life. They have no comrade in whom they confide. They just suppress. Distract. Buy things. Do things. Drink things. Pop things. Inject things. These things help them keep their mask on... so others don't see... so they don't see.

What would the world be like, or what would relationships be like... if we all had people we could be real around? If we could let our masks come down? If we could talk it out, instead of distracting it away? I think people would be healthier. I think relationships would be more about relating, and less about using each other to make ourselves feel better.

Do you think and feel? What are you feeling?

David

21 Grams (Remixed)

2011-02-20T11:45:00.001-08:00

This was from one of my earliest posts... Now, remixed... into a poem.
---------------

They say a man’s body decreases in mass
by 21 grams when he dies...
“Proof” the soul exists...
“Proof” it departs from the place he lies.

Tonight I witnessed something new,
the body and soul depart.
A man coded on the floor,
we were called to respond, to do our part.

ET tube slides down past the cords,
CPR resumes.
Epi and atropine given, we got him back!
As though robbing him from a tomb.

He seemed to have a few reflexes intact,
Though unable to respond.
Pupils dilated and fixed.
Death he began to don.

Dopamine was started.
Family round the bed.
Pressures too low, we titrated,
Trying to keep vitals out of the red.

As pressures improved,
he began to move.
Then, from nowhere...
he opened his eyes!

Looking around, but agitated now he moves his extremities.
Thrashing about! Panic stricken! Fear was in his eyes.
He tries to get out of bed... then suddenly,
collapsing back in his final demise.

Peace overcoming him,
his heart rate dwindled,
pressures dropped and dropped,
no pulse... heart slowed and finally stopped.

23:21 I pronounce him dead.
Wife continued to cry.
The daughter consoling,
as soul was drifting towards the sky.

I was happy for the family,
sharing in this the final leg of his journey.
I too was glad to have seen it,
this part of our human story.

God doesn’t call us to live in comfort,
but to experience life in full.
And to love one another,
while we do.

This was a rare chance to peer,
through a window in God's creation,
a dramatic and terrible beauty, a life,
from tragic pain to final destination.

-David MD

Repeat, How Long?

2011-02-20T06:49:00.001-08:00

As things turn,
for better for worse,
so turns my soul.

All is well,
then well is lost.
Peace gives way,
to doubt and hopelessness.

As I cry out,
God delivers.
Great peace abounds,
Even as the rains pour down.
(Repeat... ad infinitum.)

How many times must I experience God showing up in my crisis, before my hopelessness is replaced by a steadfast faith? Just a few days ago... He did it again. Just as he has before.

In the storms of life... He is there. Yet some how, repeatedly, I doubt, I question, I shout. Till manifest, his power is made. Until He announces:

"I am here. Where is your faith, child?!! I've never lost control.
There is peace offered to you, because I am in you. Always.
I will lead you through the darkness and into to better days."

I think of George Muller of Bristol. His faith, unshakable. Though obstacles arose, he didn't lament and pine away... He expectantly awaited his faithful Father would save the day... He knew he'd show up! In response to prayer. Making right the wrongs. Displaying his power... to provide, to sustain and heal.

God, help me to not be shaken. To not be consumed by feelings of doubt. Help me to live by faith, in you. You are real. You are love. You are working in all things for our good. Praise to you! For all you do is great and mysterious. Amen.

David

I'm in Pain... Praise God!

2011-02-13T18:33:00.000-08:00

Pounding my fist into my steering wheel, over and over. Face contorted from anger and deep anguish. I shout out at the top of my lungs, “heal us or kill us God. HEAL US OR KILL US!!” I drive home from work to tend to my wife. Yet another abdominal migraine complicating her severe post-infectious IBS. Who thought it could ever be this bad?! It’s SO bad. A few years back, I missed recognizing her acute appendicitis... because it’s so often, THAT severe.

It’s been three years now. The pendulum of health swings back and forth, from good... to hell. But its an irregular swing, defying Newtonian physics, spending too much time on the side of the bad. When things change for the better, our hopes and joys fly, soaring for the heavens from which they came. “She’s getting better, normal life just around the corner!” Then, often with little warning, things turn for the worse. Our dreams fall. When they fall, they fall hard... shattering to millions of bleeding pieces. Our hopes of having a family, or just existing in simple happiness... bleeding out, till death.

I find myself questioning God's goodness. Not just a theoretical train of thought... but a hard look. One that could completely change the course of my life... Because if God is real AND continues to allow my wife to suffer like this... How could he be good?! I’ve based my whole life on my belief that He is real and that He is good. Have I been led astray? My mind mulls over the many instances I had believed to be “from God” leading us to the alter. It seemed to real to be a coincidence.... This is where he led me.

I get that he cares more about glorifying himself through our lives, than he cares about our comfort. I can see it is good for Vanessa to have me to support and take care of her... But I sort of feel like God threw me under the bus. "well, I need to help Vanessa... I'll sacrifice David's life. His dreams aren't important. He can suffer... no biggie."

The worst part isn't even missing out on our dreams of having a family... It's watching my wife suffer! She’s amazing. She is sweet, tender, a pure and selfless heart. She has wonderful dreams. She deserves a beautiful life. Not this.

We are both imprisoned by her pain and nausea. How can God be glorified when we are isolated in this prison of disease?? People are on the outside, looking in on us as we cling to our God... calling on Him for deliverance, for healing. If he doesn’t deliver us... won’t our lives prove he doesn’t care?! Or that he’s not good?? or not all powerful??

C.S. Lewis, in describing our “good” God in the face of the problem of pain says that, God is not some senile benevolent grandfather, who just wants to see his children “have a good time.” and thus give us our every heart’s desire. It’s possible that our very dreams may not only be against God’s will, but could send us straight to hell. A good earthly father does not give his child what he or she asks, if it will lead to their demise. God’s standards are even higher.

From my pain, I asked my cousin Vince if God was good, even in this situation.
This is some of his reply:

“He does know what is best for you (Himself) and at this point in your life He has put this cross [cross = a burdensome call on one’s life for the purpose of glorifying God] on Vanessa and you; and will continue to do so until His will is done (whatever that may be) and which could conceivably be accomplished at the point of your death. Can you accept that possibility? Can you still find it in your heart to offer up: obedience to His Word; thanks when you are able; your commitment to your (His) marriage?

I imagine the answer to those questions is “yes”. If it is, then you are giving glory to God; probably you are giving more glory to God than if all was going well for you. We do tend to forget God when things are going well, and when things are going bad He tends to get the blame.

Many people by now would have given up, but you have hope not only for a cure (which I wasn’t encouraging you to completely give up on – only to pray primarily for cross management for the two of you), but that can earn more treasure for yourself in heaven by accepting this cross and offering up your sufferings to the Father through His Son.

From my perspective you are a figure not unlike Job which is probably pretty scary to you, but is a source of Christian admiration and comfort to me in your being so steadfast in Faith. You are in my prayers daily and I wish there was more that I could do. Vince.”

He’s right. It is pretty scary. Job was completely abused by Satan. Raped by him if you will... his entire world just crashed down in a blazing fire... meanwhile, God stood by and allowed it all. Thankfully, before I got Vince’s email... I got another piece of encouragement from my friend Justin. The Holy Spirit moved in my friend to share these lyrics at the precise moment I came home from work and was holding and crying with my wife... it was an odd time for me to be home from work. He couldn’t have suspected it. But the timing was entirely perfect. The song: “Praise You In This Storm” Lyrics by Mark Hall

I was sure by now,God,
that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm
(complete lyrics and song)

When I read these words, pregnant tears poured down from my face, birthing a release of pain and a new life of peace. I remembered more words shouted at God from my car, just a day prior: “Do something! Do something to let us know you are here!! We need you God! We need more of you, we need to see your face. I need to know you are here!”

It was clear. God is with us. He even weeps with us. (John 11:33, 35) And, though it is still raining in our life’s storm, he is who he is. GOD! He is all powerful; above and beyond this world; more holy than holy. Despite his greatness, he knows everything about me, my lowly sinful weak self. He even loves me. Who am I to second guess you God? I don’t deserve a thing. When compared to Him, I am nothing. Anything good he gives me is a miracle. Pure gift.

My prayer:

God, I will lift my hands and praise you. From the middle of this heart tearing storm. I will praise you because you are God. I am your servant. Who am I to tell you how to be glorified?! This is the life you gave me, therefore I am yours. My mission: to love my wife more than myself, and to love you more than my wife. For, there is no greater love than for me to offer up everything in my life, to you... for your glory. Do with me as you wish.

God, I praise you for answer my cry. I praise you for raising up my cousin Vince and filling him with wisdom. I praise you for leading my friend Justin to be filled with the Holy Spirit and heed his call to action. I praise you. Amen.

What God did, for me and in me, was profound. Answers to prayer. A lesson that will translate to a thousand situations. A lesson that can shape the rest of my life. Peace and joy that transcends circumstance. He is real. He is good.

David

Key Verses:

Isiaih 55:9 God says, “My thoughts and My ways are higher than yours.”

2 corinthians 4:17 "for our light and momentary troubles are achieving for us an eternal glory that far outweighs them all."

John 15:2 (ESV) “Every branch in me that does not bear fruit he takes away, and every branch that does bear fruit he prunes, that it may bear more fruit.”

John 15:13 (ESV) “Greater love has no one than this, that someone lay down his life for his friends.”

Philip 4:13 “Christ gives me the strength to face anything.”

Philip 2:13 "God is working in you to make you willing and able to obey him."

Psalm 42:5 (ESV) “Why are you cast down, O my soul, and why are you in turmoil within me? Hope in God; for I shall again praise him, my salvation.”

Psalms 42:11 “Why am I discouraged? Why am I restless? I trust you! and I will praise you again because you help me, and you are my God.”

John 11:33, 35 (ESV) “When Jesus saw her weeping, and the Jews who had come with her also weeping, he was deeply moved in his spirit and greatly troubled. [And] Jesus wept.”

Running water and other luxuries.

2011-02-05T19:34:00.000-08:00

Over dramatic? I don’t think so. This “Snowstorm 2011” has been a piece to the puzzle in my spiritual journey.

I went for a walk today. Still a foot of snow on the ground. I walk in the packed snow covered streets through my neighborhood. Sun is finally out. Gone are the gloom inspiring clouds of gray. It’s bright. Almost warm when the sun hits the bare skin, but the slight breeze whisks the subfreezing air across my skin and reminds me, it is cold out. I could have been fooled. The birds were fooled. Chirping all around me. I don’t even notice the freezing of my breath, though it must have been there.

I don’t know if snow has a scent, but the air smelled clean, clear, and mountain like. Pinion pine is burning in a neighbors fireplace. "God, one day, can I live in the mountains? Please let it be so... this is almost heaven."

Travel was slow. Traction at a minimum, you must move slow to avoid an embarrassing fall. They can bruise both the ego... and the coccyx, you know. I make it safely to Utica Square. I take care of my business at the post office and as I head to the Starbucks to get a hot tea (I’m completely spoiled by Double Shot and cannot drink the boring generic burnt taste of Starbucks) I notice a multitude of police cars. Traffic redirected. Twenty first street now occupied by heavy tractors. Ten tons of steel driven by men who smell like grease and sweat... ripping up a small section of the street. Performing a surgery of sorts. A water main had burst, as explained by hand written sign in the Starbuck’s window. Closed.

Running water is a luxury that we take for granted. Though, it’s been there since the day I was born... Even before, I suspect. Yet without it, businesses close down. Hospital workers can’t wash their hands, diseases spread. Toilets won’t flush and showers can’t be taken. God isn’t a luxury. He’s a necessity. Yet, every day billions of people take God and his mercy for granted. They go about their lives oblivious to or ignoring the very force that allows them to take each and every breath. Without God, not only would evil run rampant but the very laws of quantum physics would fail and even the atoms would cease to be. He breathed this universe into being. He allows you to wake, walk, eat, work, play, and love. He is so good and loving that even though billions of people ignore him on a daily basis, use his name in vain, or blame him for every wrong or pain in their life... He... Still... Loves! He IS merciful! He allows you to go on... waking, walking, eating, working, playing and loving. ALL good things come from him.

I need to be aware. I need to thank God for my life and every good thing in it. I need to praise him even during my suffering, because without his mercy, my suffering would be even worse! Also, he is so good, he works even through the bad things in life to bring about good. I can testify to that. I see it in my current trial. God is good. Period.

God was even merciful to P.F. Chang’s. They still had water. I went in and drank an iced tea. Hot tea? Out of the question! My core had worked up heat on the walk over. I refueled with my iced tea (four of them) and some spring rolls... Now prepared for the return journey, I head home. "God, what a beautiful day! Thank you."

A Blizzard of Simplicity

2011-02-03T09:21:00.000-08:00

It came down in swirls and gusts. At times obscuring the view of my neighbor’s house across the street. Their house has the architectural style that begs for a mountain lot, perhaps Colorado... and now, finally it enjoys the weather befitting its personality. It looks complete. By evening time, the world had been translated into a high contrast monochromatic wonderland. All of the deadness of winter now covered up by a 14” thick blanket of pure white snow; beauty. There were drifts, blown by the wind, they try to swallow up even the biggest of cars, mailboxes, and the occasional house. As the next two days unfold, I realize the snow swallowed up even more. Gone was busyness, shopping, deadlines, timelines, work, traffic jams, road rage, the call of materialism, and a multitude of other dimensions of this American life.

I watch my neighbor through my big picture window struggling with his truck. He tries to get out of the driveway, but instead spends two hours shoveling futilely, finally accepting defeat. The blizzard says, “No, I said stay at home. Rest. Enjoy the simple of life.”

The 2011 “blizzard” reduced life to its simplest form. It was God’s reminder to a multi-state region that life does not have to be busy. Man made it busy. We worship and serve materialism, which requires always... just “a little bit” more, such as a shinier car, with air conditioned seats... or a bigger TV... more stylish clothes... bigger house... bigger boat, etc. Much of these pursuits aren’t really about enjoyment of the possession, but we hope the possessions improve our image and thus raise our status. The opiate of materialism is pursued in hopes it would make us feel important, valuable, or just “okay”. ... It all requires just “a little bit” more money. This requires just “a little bit” more work and busyness. It sacrifices just “a little bit” more of that simple life which I think God intended us to live.

Through the simple beauty of the snow, He now tries to remind us that we can live simply, again.

David

Recognizing the Battle

2011-01-20T06:55:00.001-08:00

The improvements in my wife’s health have relaxed over the past several days. It felt like things were slipping away, for the worse. Fears of another very difficult stretch of life were creeping into my mind. I also felt doubts. Doubt that God is good. Doubt that God is in control and working to brings good things to those who love him.

This time, I did not indulge my low feelings or my doubts. I fought them. I prayed that God would defeat them and help me to live with by faith, not by sight or reason. “God, fill me with the Holy Spirit and make his voice loud in my soul.” I watched a sermon on spiritual warfare and a second on the Holy Spirit. I felt I was refocusing on God and living my life according to his faithfulness. I read in God’s word from Psalms when King David was delivered from the hands of his enemies who had kept him on the run and in hardship fearing for his very life. He felt like God wasn’t doing anything to deliver him for a long time; his heart ached. He kept moving forward, though; believing God would deliver him. He held to the faith that God did have a plan and was going to be faithful to it. In Psalms, we get to see the day God delivers David. In our lives, we are still living them out, so we have to wait to see that day of complete deliverance. In the mean time we must learn to live by faith.

Vanessa had three or four bad days in a row not really getting out of bed from nausea and some abdominal pain. The third night, (two nights ago) she had a vivid dream in which she was hurting. In this dream she said aloud, “Jesus is my healer, by his power I am well.” Vanessa woke that morning feeling well. She felt well all day. She ran around town, smiling, laughing, we had a coffee date, and a dinner date. She bought baby clothes for two expecting friends. We rejoiced in the blessing of a great day given to us by the Lord. We felt this was a confirmation, and blessed reward for winning a spiritual battle. The battle against doubt, lies of Satan, and clinging to the Word of God and living by faith, not by sight.

This morning, she wakes with nausea. The battle is laid out in front of us. We must not live by sight or experience, but by faith.

Deuteronomy 8:2-3: Don't forget how the LORD your God has led you through the desert for the past forty years. He wanted to find out if you were truly willing to obey him and depend on him, so he made you go hungry. Then he gave you manna, a kind of food that you and your ancestors had never even heard about. The LORD was teaching you that people need more than food to live--they need every word that comes from the mouth of the Lord."

Romans 8:28 29 - "We know that in all things God works for good with those who love him, those whom he has called according to his purpose. Those whom God had already chosen he also set apart to become like his Son, so that the Son would be the first among many believers."

Lesson on prayer.

2011-01-15T18:22:00.001-08:00

I believe God is teaching me an important lesson. He is more powerful than I. Shocking, I know. Yet, I'd estimate that we all behave like we are both more powerful and wise than God himself.

I’ve noticed in the past that even when I had an enlightened and scripturally sound piece of advice for someone’s particular dilemma, though I spoke it, it was not received. I then turned to prayer... and in the matter of days, the unreceptive person came to the conviction to which I had attempted to lead.

This pattern has happened time and time again. Fast forward to the current; I am conducting a group on Facebook to promote daily reading of God’s word as I did for the first time in 2010. I called it Pursuit365. My experience has so transformed my heart, life and actions and given me a hope and a future that I want to see other people’s lives affected the way mine has.

Many people started this group quite enthusiastic and energized... then they start to fall away. Quickly. It’s been a mere two weeks. So, I try to reinvigorate my peoples with a gentle and enthusiastic email. No condemnation at all. I sent that out last night... Today, the worst day of posting to my group. Not a single person had anything to say about there reading. Maybe everyone quit??!!

Then I remember my past experiences of the Holy Spirit through prayer being far more effective than my well intended attempts to “be encouraging”...

Truly I tell you, I will vigorously pray for everyone who started Pursuit365... every single remaining day of 2011. I know many won’t make it, but God will select out those who are ready to receive... and he will blow them away with the power of his word, just as he did to me.

David

Kissed at 22

2011-01-10T07:59:00.000-08:00

I didn't kiss a girl until I was the ripe age of 22. Pathetic.

I had plenty of desire to kiss a girl, don't get me wrong. I was just painful awkward internally. I think I projected a fair amount of confidence, but like a coward, I stayed away from any and all social risk. I'm not entirely sure why. I remember in high school, Tabitha Phillips pointed out to me that if I was ever going to get a girlfriend I needed to be able to "look a girl in the eye"... Maybe I didn't project confidence after all; I felt shame that she noticed my flaw.

I remember having many such moments, even from an early age.

I was around six years of age, a mature six I believed in my mind, when a hostess at Quail Creek said, "what a handsome young man"... Hide me. Hide me. Don't cry! Be strong... I was mortified yet again. Ridiculous as it was, that is what I felt... SHAME. This event left a powerful memory burned into the retina of my hippocampus like a cigarette igniting a California grass fire that burns down a whole neighborhood of million dollar homes... (Don't worry. I know the hippocampus doesn't have a retina, but that's how vivid it was!) I can still picture the podium she stood behind as she so carelessly and dangerously complemented me.

I slowly grew past this. Emphasis on the "slowly".

I was a sophomore in college before I had a legitimate date. Kim let me hold her hand... For about 3 minutes before she pretended to need the hand back to make hand gestures to describe a ride at the fair. To my defense, I think I was the first guy she ever dated. Maybe she was more awkward than I? Probably not. She gave me no opportunity for a kiss that night or any night, and after I forgot my wallet on a lunch date... It was over.

It was a slow and steady metamorphosis, but in med school... I had developed confidence. I could get a girls number within 5 minutes of first meeting AND get a date with her when I called. I could even make out with her :-) With confidence.

All these were necessary skills, honed to a rough but honest edge. Necessary skills for meeting and wooing Vanessa... Now almost 4 years my wife. It all worked out in time. In good, slow, awkward time.

David

Patient Quotes

2011-01-04T19:11:00.000-08:00

An 84 year old man told me this one morning, "I woke up standing against the wall with some young guy holding me... There was blood everywhere! I thought maybe I'd killed someone!"

An old and quite obese lady with a deep smoker frog voice had her gown pulled down quite a bit for all to see... She looks down and says "sexy, ain't it."

I posed the question "whats going on today?" to this little old war vet with no legs, only one arm, and one finger... He replied, "I'm just trying to get a nice piece of ass."

I told this older gentleman, "well, the drug screen came up positive for cocaine." he replies, "oh... I think someone was smoking it near me."

David

Substantial Faith

2011-01-02T19:37:00.000-08:00

"only a real risk tests the reality of a belief" - CS LEWIS.

Without the supremely difficult times in life, your "belief" in God is merely a shadow of a belief until it has been put to the test of a grave risk.

I have been put to the test of steep risk over these past several years. I have seen the darkest and most hopeless seeming days. I cried out in the severe agony of seemingly eternal night. However, I always had a keen sense that I had to choose whether or not to stand by my faith and call on my Lord to deliver me. Mind you, this is the very same lord that sent me out into this nocturnal desert, fully aware of the sheer pain I was to encounter.

Can I trust Him who knowingly sacrificed me into this kind of suffering for the sake of another to deliver me... or at minimum sustain, me?? Shall stand by my belief. Shall I continue to serve? Shall I continue to "lose my life" or "die to myself"???????

As painful as it was, I always answered those questions above in the affirmative. I truly believe that God is who he says he is... That he is an "all-consuming fire" and worthy of my praise and my submission even if it were to submit to my torment or my very demise.

God, you led me to the point where my belief in you was put to the test... The risk? Every dream, every comfort, every pleasure... Everything that seemingly makes life enjoyable. Everything that is, except you. You called me to choose: myself or you.

I chose you. I choose you... Now and always.

David

A Pale Church

2010-12-27T20:01:00.000-08:00

Matthew 10:5-11,16 (NIV)
These twelve Jesus sent out with the following instructions… "Go rather to the lost sheep of Israel. As you go, preach this message: `The kingdom of heaven is near.' Heal the sick, raise the dead, cleanse those who have leprosy, drive out demons. Freely you have received, freely give. Do not take along any gold or silver or copper in your belts; take no bag for the journey... I am sending you out like sheep among wolves. Therefore be as shrewd as snakes and as innocent as doves."

The modern day reality:
Jesus sent out his people with the above instructions, but 2000 years later his people go and preach to believers, largely ignoring the lost. Their message is a message of comfort and smiles. They put on pretty and polished productions at their churches, go on ski trips, and have a divorce rate equal or greater than non-believers. They horde their wealth. Many don't tithe and they run up phenomenal debts. They barely tell their friends of Christ's love, let a lone go out to other towns or villages. They behave as dumb slugs and are as guilty as snakes.

My conviction:
The church is not a building. The church is US. And we pale in comparison to the church 2000 years ago.

What am I going to do?
I am going to boldly pray over my patients for divine healing.
I am going to share with my patients that Jesus Christ died for them.
I will share with people I know what God has done in and for me, and point them to the truth, the word of God.
I am going to work hard to love my wife and nurture our relationship and keep Christ at the center of it.
I am going to get out of debt and generously give to those who are in true need.
I am going to minimize my pursuit of earthly belongings to a practical level instead of always wanting more.
I am going to remain freed up to invest time in other's lives.
I am going to continue spending time daily in God's word.
I am going to continue praying daily for my friends and family.

Faith

2010-12-17T19:12:00.000-08:00

Faith is the secret of both peace and steadfastness, amid all tendencies to discouragement and discontinuance in well-doing.

(from "George Müller of Bristol")

David

I Blame My Training

2010-12-17T18:06:00.001-08:00

I had a realization today. I interrupt people. I don't think my interruptions were always so... copious.

I remember back in medical school, overnight call. Interviewing new patients in the emergency room. Back then, It could potentially take an hour per patient history. These old people would just ramble and ramble... and ramble... Simply not staying on task. I heard more irrelevant stories than I knew what to do with. I really had to work hard to see three new patients a night.

Fast forward to my intern year. I learned to see 5 new patients a night. I found the same types of rambling tangential thinkers, but I developed one very important skill. I learned to direct them! Cut them off at the tangent, then restart the purposeful train of thought... then, guiding it in for a landing! SUCESS!! By my senior year, I could see 10 people a night!

Fast forward to my career as a hospitalist. Now, I see 12-20 patients in one day. Sometimes four or so are new... and I do all of that in about 10 hours. It really feels good to be able to walk into a room and dig out all of the relevant data that helps me understand their medical situation and thus treatment. All thanks to my training.

There are other aspects to my career that hinder my social skills. Nurses have 4 patients and are on one floor. I have 12-20 patients on about 7 floors. I am in many places at various times. So, it is almost acceptable for a doctor to interrupt to discuss patient care before duty calls the doctor off in another direction.

While these "skills" are fairly acceptable and completely necessary in the hospital, they remain terrible traits and skills for the realm of social interaction. Especially for the one that matters most, my wife.

Vanessa, I am sorry that I interrupt and try to "elicit a history"... please forgive me. Please point it out when I begin to wear my doctor coat in our relationship. I want to hear you... listen to you. I want you to feel valued and heard.

David

138 MPH

2010-12-14T20:14:00.001-08:00

For some reason, my memory was jogged tonight... I remembered back to when I was 16. My parents were very generous. They purchased me a nice $6000 dollar used car. 1987 Toyota Supra Turbo. It was fun. It had room for 5 people, several sets of golf clubs, looked sporty, and felt pretty sporty too. I should know, my friends and I used to do 0-60 runs down my neighborhood street (speed limit 25), AND I drove it 138 MPH down a narrow two lane country road!

Looking back on the 138 MPH run... I realized I was blessed that I didn't kill myself, or someone else along the way.

My second car was even faster, though I only got it up to 120 briefly on I-44; one time only.

I think its wise to get your 16 year old son a prius or some other SLOW car.

David

Sunset

2010-12-10T20:25:00.000-08:00

It has been a particularly hard week. More of the same trial. Though, some new twists, thus additional misery.

As you know from past blogs, God has been giving me a new peace, greater faith, joy and hope. Just when I thought I had it figured out, something changed... though I didn't perceive any change to my daily pursuit of God in his Word and in prayer... He now seemed silent, and I... joyless.

An hour of quiet time and the book of Philippians. It was amazing. It was perfect. Though I believed it all to be truth, I still trudged through the remainder of my afternoon. Where was this peace that is supposed to come from Christ alone?

I felt tempted. "Sinful pleasures may make you feel better" says the father of all lies... I knew that would only heap on more pain. I clearly saw the lie for what it was. Disaster averted.

Though I spoke assertively to God, I conceded that He can do with me as He pleases. I bow to His will. I belong to Him. I am His servant.

Later, I wandered around Whole Foods. Bought a few things. Wandered back out. Climbed into my car. Looked out to the west... Stopped. Staring. Such a powerful sky! An Oklahoma sunset. Created by my Lord... whom I "couldn't feel" all week. Words I heard yesterday hit me, "God does not change". Then, flashing through my mind: years worth of answered prayers, soft nudges, and other evidences of His plan in my life... A mental slideshow of God's faithfulness and involvement.

He brought me to that sunset... to remind me. He hasn't changed. He is still writing that masterpiece... "The Life of David"... I can't wait to see how this unfolds.

David

James 1:12 (CEV)
"God will bless you, if you don't give up when your faith is being tested. He will reward you with a glorious life, just as he rewards everyone who loves him."

Earliest Memory: A Father's Tale.

2010-11-28T20:23:00.000-08:00

I once asked my dad about his earliest memory. I guess after 60 some years of living, those childhood memories begin to fade. He almost drew a blank. One he did remember was from his grade-school era... Maybe 4th grade? It was remembered due to high emotional content. Namely, the emotion of embarrassment.

He was dressed up in a suit for a relatives wedding. He was at the church. Not his church. An unfamiliar one. Though young, my dad was a man... Still is. Though not as young these days. Time has a way of doing that.. But back then, even though of young age, he still followed true to the male stereotype. Evolutionary genetics I suppose... He didn't like to ask directions. Even when the directions needed were how to find the nearest bathroom.

He was a resourceful lad, or so he thought. And, he was a lad who had to pee. That 10 year old brain started clickin' and clunkin' "It's sorta okay for men to pee outside..?" he thought. Well sort of. He found a nice spot. A little nook between two walls of the church building. "if I just stand real close to the wall... Nobody can tell what i'm doing!"

He doesn't know if anyone saw him. But he stood so close to the wall in fear of discovery, that urine splattered back onto him! Soaking his suit. No clothes in which to change, he went through the wedding... And reception... urine soaked... and drenched with humility.

"That's when I learned, it's better to ask for directions." Lesson learned.

David

Why I blog.

2010-11-27T16:38:00.000-08:00

Yesterday I re-read my first ever blog. Five long years ago when I penned it. (Typed it... do they even make pens anymore?) In that inaugural blog, I posed the question, "why blog?" At the time, it was open ended... unanswered. Now, five years later... it has been answered.

1 Thessalonians 2:7-8 "Just as a nursing mother cares for her children, so we cared for you. Because we loved you so much, we were delighted to share with you not only the gospel of God but our lives as well."

I blog, in part... to allow others to see into my life. Because I proclaim that Jesus Christ is real, and that the Bible is God's word. I am staking my life on it. My life isn't easy... but God is good. I am confident that as I seek God through his son Jesus Christ, that I will find him! And the effects of God in my life will be seen, and God himself will be glorified.

I blog, in part... for myself. So that I may remember what God has done in my own life. So the distractions of this world do not choke out my memory of God's faithfulness. So that I may always lean on him in my time of need, and that I will always seek him, even when things are well.

I blog, in part... because I pray that God gives my wife and I children. So that they may know the Lords dealings with their father, and be encouraged in their own walk with God.

David

Money In Your Mouth

2010-11-26T05:17:00.000-08:00

I remember when life seemed dark. The challenges of the "trial" were big and overshadowed all. I called out to God, but I could not see Him. Hope was no where. Pain everywhere. It's not like that anymore.

I've been regular at seeking God through His Word, as he calls us to do. Since January I've been on a one year reading plan. It is slowly transforming me in this life. Things are brighter. There is a sense of our eternal purpose. When I look for God, I find him. The love between my wife and I is brighter. I've been delivered from sin. There is hope for the future. and I am closer to having contentment in my current situation. God is good. His word is good. Why did I take so long to become diligent in reading? Why friend, are you not reading His word daily? It will really transform your heart, mind, and life. Try it.

David

Is anybody really out there?

2010-11-18T19:02:00.000-08:00

Granted, I don't divulge every thought, dream, fear, heartache, joy, and revelation with you on here. I do, however put deeper material on my blog than I know about most people... people whom I "know".

Who are these strangers who hit my blog from the Ukraine, Russia, Finland, Alaska, Canada, the UK, and India? I don't know you. Do you blog? Do you expose the inner workings of your soul onto the great world wide web? I'd like to know. Please do comment. Tell me where you are from. What you are about? What is your dream? What is your fear?

In my daily life, I know many people. Many are fantastic! Yet as fantastic as they are to me... I don't really know them deeply. What would they blog about? I do know several people who keep blogs. They are nice, but its all external blogging. "Today, such and such happened." Fine and all.... But I want to SEE people! I want to know how you feel! What do you struggle with? What revelations have come to you? What has God done in your heart and life? So few people blog about that... so few people talk about that. I have some guy friends who do... Thank you brothers. You know who you are. You make life real.

Can I ask you? Can I ask and then hear about what is going on inside of you? Most of the time, if I ask... I get surface answers. Evasion. Everyone is afraid of being known. Of being exposed. In this day and age of near continuous connection through facebook, text messaging, IM, telephone, email, etc... the communication and relations seem to become more and more superficial and true selves hidden. COME OUT.

Who is really out there? Tell me! If you are afraid of cyber stalking or some craziness... leave your name out of it. make a fake name... but I DO want to see the heart and soul of people who are out there... who read this. How did you find me? Do you read often, if so why? What do you fear? What are your dreams? . .. . . OH. If you have a blog, may I see it?

David

I AM A SPY.

2010-11-16T19:24:00.000-08:00

I am not a spy.

My first week of medical school... a girl whom I had spoken maybe 5 words with turns to me as we walk to our "mod" and says, "So, I want to be a spy." "Odd," I think... "what should I say next?" I don't remember what I said next. Jenni Quay went on to be a good friend. Now, we are both spies...

We aren't really spies. But sometimes I feel like I am. I have so many wonderful stories about patients I desire to tell... but there is this law, set of laws really. HIPPA. Basically, if I slip up and tell you what famous person I took care of... I can go to jail and pay $100,000 in fines. So, like a spy, I too have secrets that I cannot divulge... or i'd have to kill you. Oh, and I did actually take care of a famous person (well, famous in the 1980's).

Basically, I can't share anything that might be considered patient identifying information. Please don't construe this next bit of information as patient identifying information. But some people actually like Posey beds. (This is as close to a patient story as I can share.) I suppose it gives them a sense of security... and more importantly a childlike sense that they are "camping" (patient's own confession). The only way you can get one of these special beds (see Sonja Boswell's photo... no she's not a patient) is to be a fall risk if they try to get out of bed. Some patients have been known to tell us they will continue to try and get out of bed, just to retain one of these hospital campers. I can't fathom it. But when your day consists of nothing more than vital checks and calls to the nursing station, "i'm beeping again!" you find enjoyment in little things.

I have so much to be thankful for... You have so much be thankful for!!! (I know I shouldn't end a sentence with a preposition!) I have young people who can't walk, can't talk, care barely stay awake, can't eat, AND have to depend on "Rayce 9-West" to turn them or wipe feces off their butt and scrotum (NOTE: women shouldn't have a scrotum... though... I did have a man with a vulva.) (OH, and maybe some like to get cleaned up by Rayce? wink. wink.) (I have copious parenthetical statements in today's blog! why? isn't like me... ) WHERE WAS I????? Oh yah... YOU HAVE SO MUCH to be thankful for!!!!! Don't take it for granted. Don't smoke. Exercise. Eat good food. Keep a good BMI. and DON'T take it for granted!

(this was only slightly fluffier... I'm sorry.)

David (a.k.a DNGilb)

P.S. As health care providers in the hospital, it should be noted that we become desensitized to death. It no longer affects us. We are immortal??. No, that's not what I meant... What I mean is, it doesn't creep us out like it would to others... Sonja isn't creeped out! In fact, she got into that Posey bed NO LESS than 6 hours after my patient died in it. It almost creeped me out.

Show and Tell

2010-11-11T06:09:00.000-08:00

So, the coffee shop I go to, DoubleShot, has some unique qualities... community and humor. Within those confines, Brian the proprietor and master roaster, resurrected an activity once confined to the youth. Show and Tell... Or STSTST as he calls it (show and tell, second Tuesday at seven thirty).

The first two months people had difficulty remembering. The third month however was a small success. Five if us showed up with something to both show and tell. The items included: a viewing of my retina with an ophthalmoscope, a family heirloom milk pitcher from the 17th century, a 1930's large format camera, old football jerseys and more!

A good time was had by all and it proves... You're only as old as you... Show and tell?

I think next month will be even better.

David

Conviction and challenge.

2010-11-01T08:54:00.000-07:00

I remember reading the parable of the sower many times in the past. This time, it impacted me differently. I read it several days ago, and if you've been following along on my blog, you know that life is considerably difficult right now. So this time, as I read I felt convicted

From the Book of Mark:

The farmer sows the word. Some people are like seed along the path, where the word is sown. As soon as they hear it, Satan comes and takes away the word that was sown in them. Others, like seed sown on rocky places, hear the word and at once receive it with joy. But since they have no root, they last only a short time. When trouble or persecution comes because of the word, they quickly fall away. Still others, like seed sown among thorns, hear the word; but the worries of this life, the deceitfulness of wealth and the desires for other things come in and choke the word, making it unfruitful. Others, like seed sown on good soil, hear the word, accept it, and produce a crop—some thirty, some sixty, some a hundred times what was sown.”

I was convicted because trouble came, and I almost fell away. The worries of this life (my wife's sickness) and the desires for other things (my dreams of what "I WANT" in life) tried to come in and choke out the word in my life.

In the past when I had read this passage, my life was in an easy place. It was easy to think I would be the seed sown on good soil... I had no worries, I had no trouble. But now, trouble has come. Now, worries have come. I must keep in the scriptures and in prayer to keep me on that narrow path that leads to life. I want to be like the seed that is sown and yields a good crop.

Friend, do not deceive yourselves because life is easy right now. It won't always be easy. If you enter life's difficulties unprepared, unarmed you may fall. know the scriptures! Build a good foundation... because "in this life you will have trouble".

David

A Parable Transposed (Mark 4:35-41)

2010-10-26T18:24:00.000-07:00

Early on in their lives, newly wedded and greatly in love, this couple fell into a difficult period in life. A great and terrible illness arose. It caused the woman terrible pain and severe nausea. Life seemed to be a constant struggle... at times she thought she would die. At times her husband felt so helpless and hopeless that he wished they would both die in some terrible accident. "Life is just too painful! All my dreams are dead! There is no hope, only pain!" He thought to himself.

Yet Jesus had never left the couple. Three years had gone by because the Holy Spirit was not yet finished working in their hearts, preparing them for a future whereby God would be glorified. Not only that, but Jesus had been with them the whole time! Even so, the couple cried out to him, "Jesus, don't you care that we are suffering greatly?! Where are you! Are you punishing us??!!! are you even real??!!"

As time moved on, the Holy Spirit worked in their hearts and lives. They were molded to be more like Christ. And the love they had for one another was strengthened. Jesus then healed the woman completely. For the work of the Holy Spirit was now complete. Then, he said to the couple, "Why have you been so terrified? Why have you no faith in me?! Do you not believe I won't let the pain continue any longer than it has to?!! I love you, and I will not waste this pain."

David

Running AS the cure.

2010-10-24T11:52:00.000-07:00

I remember back to 1997. My golf coach in college, Steve Hulsey, told me about how powerful running is as a stress reliever and antidepressant. I half way believed him. I was also acutely aware that being forced to run at 6:00 AM to "improve my golf game" was painful... and I hated it.

I remember one such run when it was about 30 degrees outside. Breathe through your nose for a minute... freezing cold PAIN! Switch... Breathe through your mouth... freezing cold PAIN. Continue alternating breathing techniques, trying to minimize the damage. Afterwards, I strangely smelled dog food everywhere I went for about two days. My non scientific conclusion, I traumatized my olefactory nerve with the cold air. Don't worry, it went away... and NO it wasn't my breath, and NO I didn't have a pocket full of dog food.

The last time I ran it was the year 2000.

Recently, there were two separate influences that contributed to my attempt to begin running again. So far, I've logged about 14 miles in 6 runs. Surprisingly, I don't hate it. Surprisingly, I find myself thinking about my next run. Surprisingly, after just my third run... I feel better... happier! Not so sluggish.

I think Coach Hulsey was on to something. Hopefully, this will turn into a habit... and I will feel this good all of the time.

David

Growing Faith, My Purpose.

2010-10-20T06:20:00.000-07:00

I feel God is still working in my heart during this trial. I feel a little more peace of late. I still have a strong desire for the trial to end, but I see and enjoy the beauty in life despite the pain. The beauty is God's love and my wife's heart. It wasn't too long ago, that I couldn't see past the pain. God is growing my faith. My faith that he is still here with us. My faith that he has good plans for us. My faith that he will deliver my wife's body to healing... this is a trial, one that will end.

My grandfather once said, "It's the tough times that make life worth living." I think there was some profound wisdom in his statement. We have something profound to fight for... Love. And I know that when we are delivered from this trial, that I will have wonderful growth in my heart to show for it. If you asked me months ago, "If you knew then what you know now about what life would be like married... would you still say yes?" I believe I would have said yes, but it would be with some reservation... some "bracing" for the pain that loving someone opens you up to. BUT NOW!!! Now, my "yes" is an emphatic one! I cannot imagine a life without the sweet love of my angel. I would rather have a difficult life with my beautiful wifel than an easy carefree life without her love.

I think that is a profound and wonderful achievement the Holy Spirit has made in my heart. The effects of which will outlast any trial, and shape the next 60 years of marriage to be great ones!

I also sense a purpose developing in my life to bring glory to God. The purpose was always there, but I wasn't embracing it... I still had my "expectations." I wasn't living for God's purpose. I hope that people can see that I believe in a personal relationship with a great and loving God... and that God is faithful and is always working to bring good to the lives of those who love him. I believe, when we are on the other side of this trial, people can look at our lives and know that it was God who delivered us through the valley and brought us to the mountain top on the other side... more mature, of purer hearts, and more in love with each other, and with Him.

God, I believe you are here. I believe you are good. I believe you are faithful. I believe you will deliver us from this trial and restore us to life in abundance. And when you do, I hope all who look in on our lives will see your goodness, love, and mercy.

David

Music needed for self realization.

2010-10-18T05:16:00.001-07:00

My wife went to bed early. I didn't want to make a bunch of noise... Listening to music via the ear bud. Two hours of imagination capturing crazy music. I feel like myself. Hello self. Welcome home.

I need to listen to my music more often.

Thank you Sufjan.
Thank you Portishead.
Thank you Beach House.

Good night.

David

A Father's Instruction.

2010-10-15T08:00:00.000-07:00

I remember when I was about 7, I learned the importance of following directions. I guess its every dad's duty to teach his son some important lessons. This was one. Now, he didn't just sit me down and explain the importance. No. My dad knew that a lesson with an emotional "tag" would be remembered much more vividly than a dry and boring lecture.

It was my first attempt at water skiing. He bought a special water ski set for children. You see, one of the difficulties of skiing with two skis is that its easy to do the splits. So, the makers of these skis tied the skis together at an appropriate width. Problem solved. This isn't the only problem they tried to solve. Sometimes the grip strength needed to hold the handle as the boat goes from standstill to moving is too much for a little kiddo. So, not only were the skis tied together, but the rope is tied to the front of the skis. There was a separate short piece of rope from the skis front to the handle which I held.

This is where the lesson comes in... so stay with me. Now, the ski "kit" had a second handle. The directions included made provision for this, but my dad wanted to teach me a lesson in following directions. So, he didn't follow them. He said, "they have a spare handle." and left it to the side. He then tied the end of the rope to the boat like every other weekend ski trip... and I got in the water with my dad. Grandfather at the steering wheel, hitting the throttle. I'M UP!!!! Few seconds later, I'm down! I let go as instructed prior. One snafu. The skis are TIED to the boat!!! For the next few hundred yards I am being drug under the water! My short little life flashing before my eyes! I knew I was going to drown!!! Panic! Arms flailing! Grandfather finally stops. Scared, shaken, shaking, but still breathing... I climb into the boat. Dad explained, "I guess I was supposed to use the second handle and have someone in the boat hold it then let go of it if you fell. Let's try it again." "NO!!!" I was not having it. I didn't try to ski again for about 6 years.

I think I read directions more than most men my age. Thanks Dad!

David

Music... As a drug.

2010-10-07T20:02:00.000-07:00

Music. Music contains the power to completely change the way you feel. Often in just a few simple minutes. A song can connect you to what your soul has been trying to tell you for weeks. A song can help you release and purge heart ache. A song can connect you to God himself... Facilitating his life changing love to wash over you. Tears of joy streaming down your cheeks.

There are some songs that I cannot even listen to at this point in my life... They unleash the pain that I try to forget. Mostly songs by Sigur Ros.

Currently, on a friends recommendation, I listen to Beach House's "silver soul". This is my fourth listen in a row... And it's helping. Helping me to find meaning in my pain... In my life. A bigger purpose. Determination. Rest. Peace. Perseverance... I can do this. I chose to do this... I want to do this. God... I am yours. Sustain me... Be glorified by my life. Help me to serve you.

David

It's not all about us.

2010-10-05T16:08:00.000-07:00

At times, I exhaust. Everything spent... the trial weighing too heavy. It's too much to bare. Such was this past Sunday.

It was a good Saturday, and a wonderful Saturday night! We enjoyed getting out of the house that evening. Nothing special to many, but to us any time we are able to enjoy an evening... it is amazing. No, we didn't paint the town red. Simply, a trip to Target, then to Mod's for some gelato. It was bliss. Later, we lay in bed holding each other... kissing... laughing... pure heaven. Then at 1:00 am, a hell-storm of pain hit my angel. She in agony and I in anguish we wait for medication to kick in. Ninety minutes later, the storm mostly subsided, my angel drifting to sleep under a haze of narcotics. It is hard to watch, and I cannot imagine how much harder it is to endure directly.

The following morning I wept bitterly. Memories of the night before. Seeing my sweetest wife groggy and severely nauseated after the rough early morning hour's, trial I shouted at God. "God are you really there? Do you really care? Are you ever going to do anything about this?! Why would you let such a terrible thing happen to such a sweet and amazing woman?!" My heart was crushed and I felt so hopeless. Everything in life is utterly meaningless to me now. The only thing that matters is the one thing I am powerless to change. My wife's health. "God restore my wife to life!"

God did answer my prayers, but not as I had hoped. No, he hasn't yet led my wife's body to complete health... but He did remind me that his ways are higher... and that he loves us. And he is not in the business of wasting hurts. It's quite possible that I cannot even fathom the ways he is going to use our trials to shape our futures for the better. To change the lives of others. Possibly our future children, my future patients, or the lives and eternal souls of my friends and family. The ripple effect of God's perfect plan to change lives and ultimately bring glory to himself can be more profound than I can ever know. But in the mean time, he asks us to trust him... and reminds me, his primary goal isn't our immediate comfort. His plan includes the bigger picture, for his kingdom. He has a mission for us both. It isn't an easy one. But the Bible never says life is going to be easy. In fact some of the greatest characters in the Bible were pushed to the very limit.

----

Recently, I have found encouragement in the faith of another. A friend of a friend. A vivacious young woman who was recently diagnosed with stage III brain cancer. To the news of this diagnosis, she reacted with a very God centered response. She didn't voice a "why me?" or a "I can't handle this" she responded with a "I am honored that God would entrust such a serious condition to me." Not one ounce of that statement has anything to do with her... her life, her dreams, her future. Yet, her response had everything to do with God being glorified through her life... through her response to a great and terrible trial.

I am facing a great and terrible trial... Am I more concerned with my comfort? or am I more interested in God positively impacting the lives of others and being glorified through my life? This may be the hardest thing i've ever been through... but I choose to be God's instrument for his glory. I may never know the full extent of his plan till reaching eternity. But one thing that I know for sure... He has been by our side through this entire thing. Loving us both. He will see us through.

David.

The Tapestry

2010-09-25T07:37:00.001-07:00

It was an eventful two days. One of my best friends was getting married in Oklahoma City. I was in the wedding and needed to head down the night before. Vanessa was going to go that day but was just too tired of hitting the road and being away from home. She urged me to go on down and she'd come down the next day. This would be very difficult for me. I hadn't spent one night apart from my sweet wife since all of the health difficulties had started. I was too afraid to leave her! What if, what if, what if…. I was scared she would need me and would be all alone. She insisted that she'd be fine.

I loaded up, kissed her and hit the road. I cried off an on for about an hour. At times violently. Yelling at God. Begging. Demanding. "Please God, restore my wife to health." I felt angry that he would have ever let this happen to one of the sweetest most beautiful hearts he'd ever created. I could hardly see through my tears to drive at times. I opened the glove box in search for some tissues. I found the little travel pack of tissue. It's something I never buy, but Vanessa always has handy. It reminded me of her. I could picture her face… her smile. This lead to even more heart wrenching tears to start flowing. I swear… there is nothing more beautiful than my wife's smile! I could see it in my mind… and it made me long for her, to hold her… to make a corny joke, just to see that smile again.

I finally collected myself, just as I was rolling into OKC. I met Nathan and Randy at OKC's historic Farmer's Market and tried to suppress my feelings and focus on the present. It was good to see my old friends. It's always good. They eventually broke through my sadness and caused me to laugh. They are some of the funniest guys I know. They also have wonderful hearts… I am blessed to have great friends like them.

The next day, Nate was getting hitched. It was a pretty good day, but I still had sadness on my heart. My wife was trying to make it to OKC, but couldn't shake a terrible cloud of nausea looming over her all day. She was very upset about the thought of missing Nathan and Karli's blessed day. She attempted to drive down, but had to turn around as things started to get worse. My heart was breaking all over again.

The wedding was beautiful. The Farmer's Market was transformed into something very romantic and dream like. A lot of wonderful emotions and love permeated every aspected of the wedding. I fought tears during the entire ceremony as I thought about my wedding… and my sweetest bride! How I longed to hold her right then, and to tell her how much I love her, and that marrying her is the best thing I have every done!!! I thought of her smile. The most beautiful thing on earth! I also felt my helplessness to make her well. I pleaded with God some more, and fought off the tears.

God's beauty unfolded yet further as the ceremony closed and the reception began. I talked with many people, some of which I hadn't seen in years. I was especially blessed to get caught up with one very special soul. She had been a very integral part of God's plan in my life. She introduced me to my wife. The conversation that unfolded was a true testament to God's faithfulness, love, and involvement in our lives. In fact, the entire event was a testament to God's involvement and love! I didn't see this as just "Nathan and Karli's wedding" This event was a very important place on God's tapestry of life. Many different threads coming together at one point. Lives being weaved together to form something beautiful. I could see how the love between all of these friends and family had shaped things. My world, Vanessa's world… Everyone there! I could see God using each one of us. He is weaving both the good and the hard times together into something bigger than us all… it was beautiful. complex. It IS beautiful! I could see where these threads came from, where they had led to, and I could imagine where they might be leading… and I could see the master's hand in all of it… through the entire course of this tapestry of life. It gave me a peace and a hope that the threads of our current and most difficult situation are also in the master's hand. I could feel a shift from doubt and fear, to a faith that he is going to weave these tragic and painful threads together with the threads of love, hope, and victory into something beautiful. He does have plans! Good plans! Good plans for his children whom he loves. It's just hard to see what he is going to do when you are in the middle of something so difficult and tragic.

As I drove home that night, I wasn't crying. I felt a peace that I am exactly where God wants me to be. I could see he isn't finished writing our story. I had a peace that God does intend to lead my wife's body to healing, and to restore her life.

As I drove down that road resting peacefully in God's hands… I talked to a friend who is feeling quite lost. I didn't feel afraid for him, though I can totally empathize with him. Life is painful. While I know what he is going through is hard, I could see those threads of pain being weaved together with other threads from other's lives and love! I believe God has something great in store for him as well. He just isn't finished writing his story. This is just the tough part of the journey.

I arrived at home safely. I embraced my sweetest wife and gave her a kiss. She is so warm and tender! I love her so much! God thank you for her! Thank you Father for letting me get a glimpse of how you weave everything together. Help Vanessa and I to trust you and to see your hand at work in our lives. Help us to be your people. Please lead my wife's body to a complete healing, and use us for your purpose, your glory. Sustain us and deliver us.

Amen.

David

Moses: 72 hour hold for suicidal ideation.

2010-09-18T14:52:00.000-07:00

I am blogging this from the air. Flying to Orange Co California.

A few days ago, I wrote a lengthy blog. It was a pep talk for myself and for others. I had been struggling emotionally, feeling beaten down and discontented. It was a very positive blog. I said all of the right things.... Then, 20 minutes later I couldn't identify or feel any of the good things I wrote about. So, I deleted it. Back to square one... Maybe this plane will crash and our pain will be over. Sound terrible? Probably... to those who haven't suffered for an extended season.

I used to look down on people who didn't feel like life was worth living. If you're reading this right now and feeling the same thing. Shame on you, you ignorant fool. Just as I was an ignorant fool. Now, I see clearly, this is a legitimate response to the pain. It's not where you should stay... and you should cry out to God to lift you up. Even a great man like Moses felt this way... in the middle of God's will for his life! In Number 11:14-15 "This job is too much for me. How can I take care of all these people by myself? If this is the way you're going to treat me, just kill me now and end my miserable life!"

I think its possible that to those who have surrendered their life to God's will... might need to be pushed this far... a breaking of our own will... realization that we need to be desperate for our Holy Father to sustain us; deliver us. I think this is partly what is going on in my life... in my wife's life. God. We get it.

Back to the blog i deleted: What I had written about was how people tend to overlook the abundance of great things they have to focus on the few things they don't have. I cited examples from my life and from a friends life. I long for what he has, he longs for what I have... difficulties and all. The basic take home message is to focus on your blessings. It's easy to do when it's a good day. Today is a good day. So far... I just have to have things go well a few more days in a row so I don't take a turn for the worse and delete this blog entry.

So what do I do about the difficult things I deal with in life? Man, my heart breaks every week. And I can't really see an end to it, based on my experience of the past. It's extremely hard to remain hopeful. But i believe, deep down, that this is where God has called me to be. He has plans for me and for my wife. Long ago, he asked... "will you go where I ask, even if it hurts more than you've ever hurt before?" After much struggle, I said yes... and I have held on to my faith and my trust in him and I continue to walk forward into the dark abyss trusting that my Lord can see what I cannot. Trusting that He is good, He does love me, and He does have good things in store for me and Vanessa.

Time will tell. And God will prove faithful and He will be glorified.

David

Dear self, where have you gone?

2010-09-09T06:31:00.000-07:00

I used to do many things... I enjoyed them. Golf, wakeboard, play the guitar, write and record songs, play tennis, snow ski and snow board. I now only golf about 3 -4 times a year. I pick up the guitar rarely. The other activities have disappeared. I also used to go see bands play. I saw probably 100 bands in a year. I used to go see the independent films at the art museum in OKC or Circle Cinema in Tulsa.

These things are disappearing, but I still enjoy and want to do them all.

These things have and are being replaced by other things. Wonderful things, but I think I am neglecting myself... and I need to carve out a little time for some of those things.... at least once a week.

dngilb

Professionalism.

2010-08-31T17:19:00.000-07:00

I have a constant temptation at work. I work with many people who can't talk, can't understand my speech, or are too out of it to care or respond. Now, I don't know if this "temptation" spawns from my frustration of not being able to communicate with my patients and the difficulty it creates... or if i'm still an immature 10 year old kid inside of a 32 physician's body. But, I frequently have a desire to walk into a room and just start making weird noises or speaking jibberish as I interview my patients.... But I don't. I am professional. Well... I do fart in their room and then leave. But they poop in front of me, sometimes while they are standing in the hall, so...

dngilb

free box of kleenex

2010-08-29T21:18:00.001-07:00

Every once in awhile someone tells me that they read my blog. They tell me that its funny, and it made them cry... and gave them hope. To all whom my blog has caused a shed tear... please let me know. I can mail you some kleenex. (or for those not from Oklahoma where all tissue can be referred to as "Kleenex" I can mail you a tissue.)

dngilb (a.k.a. david)

transparent, translucent...

2010-08-29T20:47:00.000-07:00

Dear blog... readers... future children of mine. I can't believe its only been 9 days since i've written something on here. It feels like its been a really long time. Life feels like it goes by so slow when you are hoping for change... but so fast at the same time. How is it almost September?

I've heard older folk say, "life goes by faster as you get older." I guess I am older... but I'm only 32! I hate to see what life is like when I'm 70. I probably get up from the dinner table to go take a dump, and by the time I get back... I'm 75 and several of my friends have died from cancer or heart attacks.

Sorry about that introductory paragraph. I am not entirely sure where it came from... but it probably has something to do with my job. Every day, I come into contact with 12-18 people, most of whom are at the very end stages of life and facing a potentially life ending or life debilitating problem. Cerebrovascular accidents... strokes. It's pretty depressing. Six months into it, I felt like I couldn't keep doing my job. It was really hard on me emotionally. If I could be honest with my patients I could have probably said stuff like, "Yah old man... that's right. I can keep you alive, but you won't ever walk again. You'll be fed through a tube... and other people will change your diaper after you sit in your own feces for about 4 hours. OR I can be less aggressive and you can just die." I talked about this with my mom. She reminded me that God put me there for a purpose, and that very simple things such as smiling and being a bright spot in someone's day might make the extremely difficult and painful process they are going through a little less terrible.

Her advice has helped. I can actually do my job. I no longer have thoughts of stopping. I find it enjoyable to bring a smile out of my patients with my smile, my humor... and for the ladies... my charm ;-)... Seriously, some of those 80 year old gals think i'm pretty hot stuff. Or they just call me "Doogie" and ask "are you old enough to be my doctor?" to which I reply, "aren't you too old to be alive?" (just kidding, i haven't said that yet... maybe tomorrow.)

The real topic I meant to blog about was transparency. As most of you know, life has been pretty difficult for me... Chronic health issues my sweet wife is dealing with... and all the emotional, spiritual, and life ramifications of it. My previous blog was pretty transparent, but there are so many more thoughts, emotions, etc that I experience and have thought to blog about... but can't.

CS Lewis described how people tend to think of themselves as "basically good" but in God's eyes, who is without any darkness, flaw, or sin... he is perfect love, our "basically good" isn't what it seems. If a chain is only as strong as it's weakest link, then people are only as "good" as our worst thought or impulse. That being said, I doubt many people even recognize their darkest impulse or thought. Fortunately or unfortunately, since I read CS Lewis, I do. I now acknowledge that I need a transformation of my mind. God is and has been at work doing that very thing. Progress has been made, but more is needed.

david (a.k.a. dngilb)

-----

2010-08-20T17:27:00.000-07:00

Sometimes... I feel like I am dying. Or, I might as well be.

I am not depressed... Life is just hard and it is difficult to believe that things will get better.
I am placing all of "my eggs" in the basket of faith in a personal God who loves me and has plans to prosper me.

That being said, his idea of prosperity differs much from how an American would would define it.
Yet, if I had American prosperity, but no God... My life would be meaningless and empty, and would be filled with yet a different type of pain... And would end in eternal damnation.
I will choose God's will. I will walk into the dark night... Trusting my Lord to guide me... Into a better kind of prosperity... In his perfect but lingering timing.

David

ps. I took a depression scale... I wasn't depressed. It's just really tough to deal with 2 years of physical suffering. You don't get it or understand it until you experience it. But healthy people seem to judge, condemn, and wash their hands of it... physicians. I was there once. I have more compassion for my patients now.

UPDATE: 14 months later... I no longer feel like I am dying. The personal love of God our Father through Jesus Christ has been transforming me. I have new peace, joy, and hope!

God led me to a truly anointed Christian psychologist... She has been God's instrument in my journey... But it is the power and love of God that is transforming darkness to light. I am not out from under the challenges of the trial, but God has shown me many of the things I was doing wrong that led to my "suffocation" and despair. He is teaching me a new way to have intimacy with him... He is teaching me a new way to be a husband... He is teaching me a new way of looking at life.

God was pursuing me. I just had to stop living under my own power and seek him. Matthew 7:7 "Ask and it will be given to you; seek and you will find; knock and the door will be opened to you."

Some good books that have been valuable tools for me in this process: (Nothing replaces the Bible)
1. He Loves Me - by Wayne Jacobsen
2. Boundaries In Marriage - by Townsend and Cloud
3. Pure Pleasure - by Gary Thomas
4. God and Mute - by Pete Greig

Death of an angel.

2010-07-26T05:34:00.000-07:00

Eleven years ago, the associate pastor from my church and his wife adopted a little girl. This little girl was born with so many health problems that she lived in the hospital for her first three months. Due to her health problems her single mother gave her to the state, because she wasn't able to take care of her 24/7 needs or pay for her health care. She then moved to the Bethany Children's Convalescent home for the kids that had too great of medical problems to be cared for at home. The very same day that little Cherokee moved to Children's, DeVonna started working in the Children's Convalescent Home business office. Three days passed before DeVonna met Cherokee. When she did, she started falling in love. After a year or more, the pursued becoming foster parents... and this led to Cherokee's eventual adoption.

The first time DeVonna's husband Doug met Cherokee he saw the look on her face, and on the face of his wife. Just seeing the connection... He knew Cherokee would become his daughter. The thought of it terrified him. Rightfully so. He told God that he just can't do it... its going to be too difficult. She lives on a ventilator at night, flow-by oxygen during the day, and needs complete care 24/7, she is limited physically and mentally, this was going to be a huge challenge. He was sitting in his car, and felt like there was a mountain upon him. At that moment, Doug describes a "lighting bolt" that came down and hit him. It came in the form of a verse. Words spoken by Jesus, Matt 25:40 "The King will reply, 'I tell you the truth, whatever you did for one of the least of these brothers of mine, you did for me." God had asked him to be Cherokee's father.

Their life, from my perspective, seemed extremely difficult. They had volunteer nurses helping with great frequency. They lost sleep. They lost freedom. They lost time as a couple. They lost time as individuals. Doug used to play golf and work on cars... All of that stopped. They battled exhaustion and depression. I personally thought they had made a mistake.

At the age of 8, cherokee had been living at their house now for a few years and began having problems. She was found to have brain cancer. Multiple lesions some near the brain stem. This little angle whom was called a "heart thief" as she stole everyone's heart, was not dismayed. She continued to smile and love her mommy and daddy with the purest of heart. Cherokee comforted them when she underwent multiple surgeries, chemotherapy and radiation. She never stopped loving life, or God. She had the simple faith of a child as she was... she didn't try to wrestle with "Why me?" questions... she didn't blame her heavenly father. She just prayed and continued loving her mommy and daddy.

She beat the odds and the brain cancer was in remission. But 6 short years later she developed a bone cancer. The process repeated, but it left her body weak. Due to all of the chemotherapy and a chronic digestive system problem she never grew much taller than four feet. Due to the chronic illness and developmental delays, she was always a little different than a "normal" 14 year old girl. While most would see this as tragic, I believe the "heart" that developed through all of this was far more beautiful than your average 14 year old.

At the age of sixteen, she left this world behind... passing in her daddy's arms only to be received to the arms of a heavenly father... with a new body. Doug and DeVonna are now left with an empty house... full of blessed memories.

While I still can look back on their lives and see all of the personal devastation... loss of all those comforts, mental/emotional peace, hobbies, leisure time, relaxation, vacations, etc.... all of those things I cherish and look forward to in life disappeared for them. But with all of the stress, diseases, medical treatments, medical equipment, and loss of freedom... they gained a love that was pure and true. I am confident they do not consider their decision to adopt Cherokee a mistake. I no longer consider it a mistake either.

In life, it seems most people's lives do not have significant callings. God's will seems to be wide open for people to choose their profession, home, spouse, etc.... But for others, God seems to have a very specific mission. For Doug and DeVonna, their mission was to love a little girl who had a giant heart... and needed strong parents... parents with a large support network of other believers to help them along in this difficult mission. God gave them everything they needed. Little Cherokee experienced truly great love... a love she never would have known if Doug said "no" when he felt that mountain upon his shoulders, when God asked him to become a dad.

David.

Diet Coke for breakfast.

2010-06-30T06:28:00.001-07:00

I was in line at the John Wayne airport, in Irvine CA, this morning at 5:30 a.m. And while I was ordering a bacon egg and cheese biscuit with a diet coke, suddenly the 7 year old kid next to me briskly swings his head around and looks up at me with shock and awe on his face. His mom snaps at him, "you are not having diet coke for breakfast!" This young man continues to gaze upwards at me with a look of quizzical wonderment. "maybe one day I can do what I want to do, when I want to do it!" he may have thought. He looked into my eyes as though I was his hero. And I believe for that brief moment... I was.

David

Driving.

2010-06-10T08:04:00.000-07:00

I don't know what it is about driving, but I love it. It clears the
mind. It's brings peace to my troubled heart... Calms the storm.

Blessings... Don't take them for granted.

2010-06-08T19:33:00.000-07:00

I was laying in bed a few nights ago, and I just started thinking about my friends Eric and Lauren... and their beautiful baby boy Canon. I was so happy for them! And so aware of God's blessing. Canon is amazing!

My wife and I would like a family, but health and life have been difficult enough that now is no where near a good time to even try... I thought of another friend who has one of those ticking "bio-clock" things.. but the stars just aren't lining up for them in the relationship department. I have another set of friends who have tried for seven years to get pregnant without results. For some, there are barriers that no matter how hard one strains against... we cannot budge. I literally started tearing up at the realization of how much blessing Eric and Lauren had... and at the realization that my dreams are not within my control to obtain. I am at God's mercy. And I wondered... God, do you have plans for these desires?

Today, as I drove to work at 7:00 am, I saw a couple out for a walk with their dog (this is a common scenario)... and I feel jealousy. grief. loss... I want to be able to do that! (I don't care about walking with the dog... just with my wife)... Today, Van was feeling pretty darn good. What a blessing from God! We took a walk through the beautiful neighborhoods of midtown Tulsa and had fun talking about the houses and all kinds of things. It's such a simple thing. But so many nights, she just feels crappy enough to not want to do that... so, its been missing from our daily routine for a while. Yet, millions can do it whenever they want! Those same millions don't even realize what an amazing thing it is to have health and be able to go out and walk around. But it is profound, and it is not guaranteed. I see all kinds of people at St. John who have had a stroke and have suddenly lost the ability to walk. It's not just 90 year old great grandmothers... its 50 year old fathers... and 24 year old single women who thought they had their whole life before them... its also 35 year old mothers of 4... and they will never be able to take a walk again. Some won't even be able to talk or even feed themselves.

There are simple things that you do everyday... that aren't simple. They are a profound miracle. A gift. Blessings from a God who loves you. That doesn't mean he doesn't love those who have strokes or can't have babies... but ALL good things come from God the father.

STOP COMPLAINING. Your life is amazingly full of blessings! Stop focusing on the 1% you wish would be different and focus on the 99% you've been taking for granted... that 99% that if it left you today you'd probably rather die than be without. Your life is full of blessings. Observe. Enjoy. Thank your heavenly Father.

I'm preaching to myself. I moped around today feeling really sorry for myself... depressed feeling. And while some of the positive emotions I feel right now are because of the beautiful walk I just enjoyed, I have also reminded myself... I am truly rich in blessings, even if there had been no walk.

david.

Home Remodel... Do it before you move in.

2010-05-28T13:39:00.000-07:00

Granted, I didn't have cash to do a remodel when we bought our house... but I certainly have learned that if you do, you are blessed!

We recently started doing some remodeling to our 1950 built ranch home. We love our home, amazing layout. Those post-WWII modern architects really were onto something. We looked at a number of homes built in the 1920-1930's and the layouts were just choppy. But while the layout of our home was excellent, the shape of its hardwood floors, sheetrock, and style of bathrooms, trim, etc... just wasn't going to cut it. So we decided to take our house into the 21st century. It's going to be pretty modern, but keep some of the 50's geometry, masonry patterns... but incorporate modern colors, glass tile, corten raw steel, concrete countertops, etc.

What started out as, "hey lets redo the bathroom" has evolved into almost the entire house. Its just all connected! You can't just stop at one spot easily, not when you have long range plans that involve the whole house.... needless to say, the budget has exploded... we no longer eat our own meals when we do go out to eat... we no longer eat at "sit down" restaurants... I eat more ramen. We cut our "fun money" budget drastically... and I've picked up many extra shifts at work. Very tiring. To make things worse, we've only been able to live in our house 2 weeks out of the past 12, and we have about 4 more to go. We're both very in grateful to the kindness of our friends who are letting us live upstairs at their house. I don't think this would have worked otherwise.

While its going to be awesome to move back in to our freshly remodeled house... and I know I'm going to love living there... its also made me realize that my wife and I can easily live in one room. Hind sight, I sorta wish that we would have lived in a one room apartment... or bought a tiny $60k house I could have paid off in a few years before we pursue a family. Then we could have stock piled some money and been way ahead in the game. Kids! when you read this 20 years in the future... take my advice. Start tiny and cheap. When you're newly weds, square footage isn't needed. You love being together.

I'll put together a little "before & after" photo blog when its done... but probably after we save up and get our new furniture... so its nice and pretty.

david

Remote Memory Log: Soccer glory.

2010-05-26T15:46:00.000-07:00

I played soccer when I was young. Seven I think. I was in a defensive
position back by the goal... Is that called a full back? I have no
idea. I was in this position because of my exercise induced asthma...
It had the least amount of running. I have very few memories of my
time with soccer. I do remember this is when I was introduced to the
"suicide"... a dreamy concoction of all flavors of soda from the
concession stand. (It only tastes better if you're a kid.) but this
isn't the memory I wanted to share.

The memory I do wish to share was from the only game I remember. I
didn't get much "glory" by being on defense... But one day, I thought
it was "my turn"! I took the ball and I drove it all the way down the
field, dodging opponents left and right. No one would steal my
thunder! Was I worried about an asthma attack? Oh no! I had my eyes
set on glory! I drove that ball all the way down to the opponents
goal!! When I got there... I froze! I didn't even know what to do! I
paused and looked around... I don't even remember if I kicked it at
the goal... I may have passed it off. What a failure. I walked back to
my defensive position... And I never attempted another offensive move
again.

David

Smells that trigger.

2010-05-23T15:25:00.000-07:00

I was driving around with my windows down, listening to music... No real destination, just driving to drive. I used to do that when I was in highschool and college. It's where I would go when I needed to think or be by myself... Or sometimes just because i was bored. I always loved it. I haven't done it much since living 8 blocks from work. I need to do it more often, it just feels good. There s something really pleasant about feeling the warm summer air mixing with the cold air from the air conditioner while seeing the world moving by at 30 mph.

Anyways, as I was driving around, windows down... I drove by someone's yard who had their sprinklers going. I could smell the water! I was instantly overwhelmed by an emotional reaction. It took me back to a simpler time in life! Summertime... With no worries. I don't know if it brought back memories of running through sprinklers in the back yard as a young child or perhaps the golf course at twilight... Or maybe even memories of Lake Hiwassee. Whatever the memory that was triggered, it was a pleasant one! And I could have just sat there forever. Too bad I was in a moving car. :-(

David

Memories.

2010-05-16T06:31:00.000-07:00

How much of the childhood does an adult remember? I've asked my dad questions about his childhood, and he seems to have very few specific memories of it. Incidentally, I asked him this approximately 20 years ago, and I still remember it. I remember feeling perplexed at how a person could forget their childhood and I remember feeling sad for my dad. I can however, as I grow older, understand how all those childhood memories fall out of the brain. Life is just complex as an adult, not much time is spent dwelling on things of childhood.

I a book recently. Non-fiction. One of the people in the book had a journal in which he would write down every memory that came to him from his life. Some were big, others as small as wearing a specific shirt on a specific day.

I have decided to start recording some of my childhood memories in my blog for future memory loss and generations to come.

Memory Journal #1:

Growing up in the Gilbert family included quite a few road trips. I guess that's pretty usual for most families, but one "usual" occurrence for these road trips might not be usual. When one of us kids needed to urinate, instead of driving to a rest stop or gas station my dad would just stop along the side of the highway and have us pee on the side of the road. In the 5-8 year old brain this equals "its okay to pee in public, when you're in a bind."

One day at school, I think second grade, I was in trouble for talking right before the lunch period. So as my punishment, the teacher let all the other boys and girls go to the restroom before lunch and recess. Me, however; was excluded from such "luxury" and was forced to hold it. First off, this is cruel and not a form of punishment. What did my teacher want to accomplish??? Did she want me to wet myself and be humiliated? I have no idea what she was thinking. But I knew what I was thinking. "Take away my bathroom break? I'll show you! I don't need your permission! I'll just pee on the playground. That'll teach her."

So, I did. I didn't find the most secluded place. I did turn my back to everyone else. But someone did see that I was urinating on the playground... and they reported me. I still remember who it was, though I don't remember her name. It was one of the twins, the more tom boyish one. The teacher on duty was a mean one. She was notorious for "the claw"... reportedly, she would put her fingers on top of a child's head with her long fingernails directed to the flesh... she would slowly increase pressure until it hurt. On occasion, she'd even draw blood! (as the stories go). So, this teacher interrogated me. But I held up... I didn't break under the pressure. I held to my story of innocence.

The faculty finally dropped it. I was never punished. But for years afterwards I had a "shy bladder" and had difficulty starting a urine stream at "open" urinals in public bathrooms. Traumatizing.

David

Fragility.

2010-05-14T06:42:00.000-07:00

Life is fragile. I used to have a sense that it wasn't. I felt secure. I felt I could go to sleep, wake up, breathe, live, play, go to sleep and do it all over again. Partly because of my job, partly because of my wife's health issues... life doesn't seem so stable or secure. To make things worse a friend of mine who is 38 years old suffered a small stroke. I actually took care of him in the hospital... He's doing fine, but other than his LDL cholesterol of 144 he shouldn't have had a stroke. What's crazy is that I saw him the very night before the stroke, just completely fine and unsuspecting.

Now, I feel like I could die at any moment. Car wreck... Some rare form of cancer... Stroke... Or heart attack. My whole world could be turned upside down, or end all together.

I recently went to Woodward park on a beautiful day, the azaleas were in bloom... couples were holding hands and kissing, having pictures taken together... having picnics... WALKING AROUND! No health problems! And I bet most of those people don't even acknowledge how much of a miracle and a gift from God they are enjoying.

Don't take your health for granted. Enjoy it. Honor God's gift to you by tending to it. Don't smoke. Don't drink excessively. Don't eat trans or sat fat... and exercise. I'm preaching to myself on the exercise, I need to get back to it.

David

Psalm 23... Want?

2010-05-04T13:41:00.000-07:00

In Psalm 23 it says, "The Lord is my shepherd I shall not be in want." During this phase in life in which I find life extremely difficult, having a wife with chronic health issues that really limits life... it is hard to fathom "not being in want." How can I not want something good and as natural as feeling good. The scripture makes it pretty clear that God enjoys blessing his people by giving them children... how could you "not be in want" if you were desiring this but couldn't have children?

During a group Bible study, some men, who are a little further along in life than I, talked about when their teenage daughters were wanting to date some boy but they knew the boy was a bad influence. The desire the girls had was a good and natural, but hopefully the teenager would trust their father enough to heed his direction. The father was acting out of a deep appreciation and care for his daughter's deeper desire and was trying to help her reach it.

So now, to not "be in want" you must trust that God does in fact love you and acknowledge that he knows your deepest desires... not just your desire to escape pain, and trust Him to take you to your deepest desires... even though you have to go through pain to get there.

When I type this... it sounds so simple... easy... it isn't. When the storm of life is upon you, you suffer. But we must learn to "dance in the rain" not just "wait for the storm to end." Imagine Paul in the Bible... what if he didn't dance in the rain? If he would have just waited for the storm to pass (pursuing an escape of pain) we would have no church... we would have a poorer Bible and a poorer understanding of what Christ did for us and how to follow him. In fact, all of Christianity is based on being able to grow past simply trying to escape pain, and learning to be joyful in Christ during the storms of life. If so, why should I expect God to deliver us from our pain when we still haven't truly learned how to "dance in the rain."

God, since we find ourselves in storm, please help us learn how to dance in the rain.

David

Dancing in the rain.

2010-05-01T09:32:00.001-07:00

Life has been difficult... Painful. My wife and I at times have been
"poor in spirit." we both struggle with doubts... "God? Are you there?
Do you care? Are you going to do anything about this chronic health
problem? It's ruining life!"

Lately, he has given me some reassurance. God, in dramatic fashion,
pulled my wife's health out of the gutter and gave her a month of
respite in time for our trip to Maui. It was a blessing. I have to
believe if he cared enough for a trip... He cares even more about the
rest of her life.

Van hasn't been able to remain as hopeful recently, and I begged God
to show up and give her a sign that he cares and is still in this.
The very next morning after I poured my heart out in request, she
received an email from someone she didn't believe had her new email
address and it included some great scripture and the saying, "don't
wait for the storm to end, learn to dance in the rain."

I've been praying asking God, "what on Earth could you possibly want
to teach us to allow this pain to continue?!!" and I think that is
it. He wants us to learn to be joyful and dance in the rain... Not
merely "survive" and wait for the storm to end.

I was convicted as well. What have I done as the spiritual leader of
my marriage? I've prayed and focused on my spiritual walk, but I
haven't led other than by example. We waste 3 hours every night
watching TV because Van feels too crappy to do much else. I need to
lead us into pursuit of the face of Christ. He alone gives joy that
can help us "dance in the rain."

This is my mission. Holy Spirit, empower me. Transform us. Help us to
dance in the rain.

David

There is a feeling you get...

2010-04-30T22:23:00.000-07:00

There is a feeling you get when you're a second year medicine resident in the ICU at night, I remmeber it well. It comes when you are In charge of peoples lives... When you can sense that something terribly bad is going on in a patient's body and though it elludes detection, you can tell that they are headed towards death that very night... and the patient might not even be aware of it... This feeling comes on you after you realize YOU are the only chance that person has... To NOT die. But you know you can't stop it from happening.

That's the feeling I have right now.
It haunts me.

David

Maui and mystery. Building trust is painful.

2010-04-19T06:36:00.001-07:00

Maui was amazing. AMAZING. The first full day there was the best day of my life for the past year or so. Bliss... pure bliss. Beauty, perfect weather, and my sweet lovely wife with a giant smile on her face! I loved every minute. If you remember, God... in a mysterious and catastrophic way had shaken loose the terrible pain and nausea that my wife had been suffering just 2-3 weeks prior to the trip. Before her hospitalization, I was really worried that we would have to cancel the trip because she felt so bad every day. But things turned around in miraculous fashion. Half way through our trip in Maui things started slowly giving way... some nausea here and there, pain for a few hours at a time. It put temporary dampers on things, but it would get turned around and we'd end up getting to go have fun again. The last full night there, however, Van was awakened from sleep with terrible abdominal pain. Pain medicine got it under control and she finally got back to sleep. The next day, our last on the island, was completely ruined by severe nausea. She neither ate nor drank really. We had to check out at noon and we spent most of the day till 6pm sitting in the car in a parking lot hoping she'd feel better. Medicine never really helped the nausea too much. But finally time passed and the nausea improved... We made it home and since then things seemed to have continued to be "not good" but not catastrophic bad either.

She and I have both felt heavy hearted about this because we had real hopes that we had reached the end of this trial, this valley in life. We were ready for a mountain top experience. But I guess there is some more battling and struggling to do. Vanessa has been particularly down in spirit because she fears this means that she won't get to have children. This is the deepest desire she has in life. The way I look at it is this: God cared so much about our planned trip to Hawaii (meaningless in the grand scheme of things) that he miraculously and traumatically touched your body (through a terrible GI bug that seemed to rearrange her intestinal processes for the better) and restored health so we could enjoy Hawaii. HOW MUCH MORE does he care about her desire to have a family! I think we NEED to TRUST Him. He has proven himself powerful and caring.

My friend and neighbor Ted reminded me that about 4 months ago or so... I shared with him that I was begging God that I have had enough and that I couldn't handle any more and that he had to stop it. But when I look back over the last four months, they WERE WORTH IT! The amount of unselfish love that I have for my wife has just climbed exponentially! I no longer battle feelings of a "loss of my life" for my wife's sake... I am just overwhelmed in love with her! I am getting all teary eyed right now just typing it! I LOVE HER SO MUCH I CAN'T EXPLAIN!!!! I don't want another life! I want my life with her!!! NO MATTER WHAT comes our way! Abdominal pain, nausea, family/no family... NOTHING else matters! I've got MY GOD and MY WIFE and that IS ALL I NEED!!! I'M IN LOVE WITH BOTH!!! My wife's heart is the purest and she is the sweetest. And my God is the most loving for having allowed the suffering to continue to transform me and change me into the man I am now. I WAS NOT THIS MAN 4 months ago! It was worth the 4 extra months of pain that I thought I couldn't bare... God knew better, and loved me enough to let the pain do its work. I am a man, transformed. Thank you God for LOVING me!

What's next? When will Vanessa be free from this chronic problems? I don't know God... but I will trust you. I am your servant, and I love you. Thank you for loving me. Help us both to trust you more.

David

Think About It... All Roads Do NOT Lead to Heaven.

2010-04-19T06:30:00.000-07:00

Two common statement I hear are, "I think all roads lead to heaven" and "there is no one TRUE religion."

I understand why people say this. Nobody wants to think about other people going to hell. Especially people who, from the surface, appear to be "trying" to do the right thing. Nobody wants to think of THEMSELVES as going to hell either! Other's may also say this because they do not want to submit to the teachings of any one religion. The post-modern mindset is that each one of us can be our own god deciding what is wrong and right for the individual. While those short little statements seems to bring people a little comfort and peace, I don't think they realize all of the ramifications those statements have. What do I mean? Well, when you make one of those statements you are actually making a large series of statements that your original statement is supported upon. So, if you are one who likes to say, "all roads lead to heaven" let me raise some points that you are actually saying without even realizing it…

1. If all roads lead to heaven, then you admit that following Jesus would lead to heaven… therefore you just admitted that Jesus IS Christ. The Bible says, "No One Comes To the Father, But Through Me" John 14:6 But if other roads also lead, then you assert there was no actual need for Jesus (God incarnate) to come to Earth, live a sinless life, be crucified, and resurrected from the dead. If Jesus then wasn't needed… then why would God have humbled himself to enter as a human and suffer greatly without having needed to??? So if you say, "all roads lead to heaven," are you first saying that Jesus was who he said he was, but that he wasn't really necessary… so, are you not also saying that Jesus wasn't who he said he was at the same time?? Aren't you really saying he was a liar and offers no real salvation? Therefore your statement that all roads lead to heaven makes no sense because in its assertion it proves itself wrong. It excludes itself.

2. If you say, "There is no ONE true religion" then you are actually admitting to multiple realities. Would you go to court and say, "your honor, I know you think I didn't pay my taxes this year because that is what actually happened for the IRS, but for me I actually did pay my taxes. You see there are multiple realities. Multiple truths." NO! There is no way for there to be multiple realities or multiple "truths". You can have multiple perspectives on the actual truth, and I assert that the TRUTH about God is not even fully known even from the worlds truest religion because the full truth is probably only available from the perspective of the creator himself. If we examine the many world religions, many of them may have some perspective of the truth… containing some amount of truth about God in them… but would it be good to say that they are all equal? If their perspectives on the Truth are different, then one of them must be nearer the actual Truth than the other. And if God did in fact reveal himself to us in this world then one religion is more near 100% truth than all the others.  If God is real and an afterlife is real… I want to get as close to the Truth as possible, not settle for a religious perspective that gets me only 20% of the way there. What if 20% isn't enough to gain entrance into a glorious afterlife?

3. If all roads lead to heaven, then maybe you assert that God didn't reveal himself to us through one religion therefore He didn't reveal himself to us at all, and all religions are manufactured by our minds… or if he did, he did it multiple times and represented himself DIFFERENTLY each time. This raises more issues:

A. If God didn't reveal himself to us, and we are just making up all religions. If there is a God who didn't reveal himself to us, does he really love us or is God is indifferent to us? That sounds to me he would be indifferent to us. He neither cares if we go to a heaven or hell. Neither heaven, nor hell may even exist… and if so, then why would he have even bothered to create us in the first place. Billions of years to create a civilization that exists for a flash and is gone? what's the point there?!

B. If God did reveal himself to us, but did it multiple times (for those claiming multiple religions are true) and represented himself differently each time, thus creating much confusion about what it actually takes to be right with him and what it takes to enjoy the many different afterlife's then God isn't really interested in revealing his true self to us, he is lying to some… Or he changes all of the time. What kind of a God would change all of the time? You could follow one religion and then when you die, he could change the rules and now you're tormented in hell. That's not love. Also, if he did represent himself differently, then wouldn't you want to choose the religion that offers salvation as a gift instead of having to earn your way back into good graces? And if one religion offered salvation as a gift, why wouldn't he offer that to everyone? If he really represented himself differently to other peoples where there was no free gift of salvation, he must not love them like he loves the Christians... and that makes no sense.

4. Many who say, "all roads (religions) lead to heaven." Don't actually ascribe or follow any religion. They just do as they please. If they really believe all roads lead to heaven, then why on earth are you not following one? You just admitted that there is a God and that there is a glorious afterlife that can be achieved… but you have doomed yourself to hell because you sit on the sidelines and are not pursuing "salvation" or "transcendence" through any religion?!! If this is you… you are actually saying, "I don't like to think about these things, and I want to do what I want to do and I want to pretend that there are no eternal consequences… so when I say this, I feel better in my own deception."

  A. If you read number 4 and think... well, then I believe all people go to heaven. Then you should ask, then what is the point of Earth? How can evil people exist in God's holy presence for eternity? That wouldn't be heaven, that would be Earth… and evil mandates death and thus you just eliminated heaven by your own argument and you argued that the only thing that exists is Earth… no heaven. Also… If all people went to heaven, why even bother with having an Earth. Why not just have a heaven from the start?

  B. If you then say, "okay, there is no heaven, just Earth." then I say, why would a God spend 200 billion years creating a universe only to have humans exist for 10,000 years or so and disappear? That is such a flash in the pan, I have a hard time believing a divine being would go through all of that for just a blink of an eye experience.

What are your thoughts?

David

6 days gave way...

2010-03-24T06:14:00.001-07:00

The six days of heaven on Earth, where my wife felt no pain or nausea, have given way... there has been a return of pain and some nausea. Overall it is still at a lesser point than where things were for the month of February, but some disappointment has set in. We guarded ourselves against this, because there have been miraculous reprieve before which ultimately gave way to a return of the problems.

As I promised my God, when the pain returned, I told him that I still praise him, I still trust him, and I still want him to be in control of my life. I want to submit to his will. There were a lot of tears during that prayer... a prayer that went on for 30 or so minutes. In the prayer I also thanked God for my wife and the love he has given me for her. I love her more than any other thing on Earth except for my God. I love her so much that no words suffice... only 30 minutes of joyful tears streaming down my face can express what I feel inside. She is the sweetest. Her heart is the most beautiful and purest heart I've ever encountered. I love to serve her. And I'm growing to love serving my God... even if it means pain.

I was able to thank God for "loving me"... not just comforting me and relieving my suffering... but for LOVING me enough to allow me to experience the pain and grow me during our trial. I had the realization that the amount of unselfish love that I now have for my wife did not exist 2 years ago. I was still a self-focused man. Jesus is changing me. It is painful. It is worth it. Because I want to be the kind of man God has intended me to be so that I can love his daughter the way he desires. This trial has also purged sin from my life, it has put into perspective what really matters. God is writing a beautiful story for my wife and I... we just happen to be in the middle of the hard part. The amazing thing is, I experienced Joy from that place. That's the biggest evidence to me that Jesus is real.

God, I love you, I'll serve you, I'll go where you lead,

David

God, I am yours.

2010-03-20T12:43:00.000-07:00

As much as I have longed for stability and comfort, I haven't been granted that as of yet. But God is writing an interesting story in my life… and in that story He is faithful.

So, as most of you know my sweet wife has had some health problems. Pretty major health problems actually. Things got "flared up" again and she was sicker than sick. We went into see her PCP and one look at Vanessa and she said, "I'm admitting you to the hospital." Once we were there it was clear to me that indeed, she needed it. Her resting heart rate was 158 due to her dehydration from how sick she'd been. When I walked into the hospital room, I just started crying. So many scary and painful memories of her almost three week hospital admission almost two years ago. Though when I look back on those weeks, though they were painful… God was there. There was the time when I became too tired to play with Vanessa's hair to comfort her so I laid down, and she looked up an hour later amazed that I was still playing with her hair only to see that no one was there. We like to say that Jesus was playing with her hair, comforting her during her illness. There were many other small things that happened along the way… times where Jesus "showed up".

The biggest and most wonderful thing that God did for us was that God restored her to health and granted an end to the hospitalization safely. That may sound silly to some… some might say, "she'd get better, that's what bodies do." But as a hospital physician, I don't take anything like that for granted. I've seen too many complications and terrible things happen, even to young previously healthy people. Young mothers ending up quadriplegic or brain dead… all because the things we do as doctors while over all are fairly safe, they "flirt" with death. We put people to sleep where they cannot breath or protect their airway while splitting their body wide open and cutting their organs up and reattaching them. Don't take for granted how dangerous that is… its amazing! So, when Vanessa made it home safely, that is a big deal.

A few hours of sitting there in the hospital room in silence as Vanessa lay motionless slowly soaking up her IV fluid… I began to appreciate God's faithfulness and control in my life. I began to feel a bit more at peace. Yes, I admit I'd rather not be there at that moment, but God is in control and I trusted that he has plans to prosper us as the Bible says. I stand before God a more obedient man, closer to him, more right with him. I sensed his love more clearly and my trust in him had grown.

The next morning a friend brought me some Double Shot coffee and shared with me the downtrodden spirit of a mutual friend. From my wife's hospital room, her condition still not having improved, I was able to proclaim God's faithfulness to my friend with conviction. God rallied his spirit back into a place of faith and hope for his own situation. I found it surprising that such a thing could happen when faced from such a troubled spot.

My wife did make it out of the hospital and she has continued to improve. In fact she has improved remarkably. She has been almost completely without pain and certainly without severe nausea. She hasn't felt this good in three months! It has been dramatic. Dramatic! I think today would be the fifth day of feeling good. I have thanked God profusely for the good thing he has blessed us with, but I do admit I am scared to assume this is a long lasting healing as He has blessed her with temporary respite in the past. I have proclaimed to my God that even if the pain returns to my sweetest wife, that I will not stop trusting Him.

My view of God is getting bigger. How has he changed her body to give her freedom from this pain? From where I sit, it looks like she was hit with a virulent GI bug that made her tremendously sick, only to become more well than she's been in a long time. Did God use disease causing agents, something that exist in the world because of the fall, for his purpose to shift something within Van's GI tract? He commands everything! He commands the viruses that can attack us… With his hand he can order the bacteria that repopulate her gut to restore the symbiosis he intended for her gut. He is mysterious! Nothing is out of his control! If this were how he wanted to heal my wife… He did it by first taking us back to the hospital to face our fears and to "trust Him" in the face of our worst nightmare… and at least for now. He has shown up. He has shown us mercy and kindness. It is up to Him whether this miracle lasts… or if the pain and nausea return. But as I said before, even if the pain returns. I WILL TRUST HIM. Because nothing happens without His consent.

I can look back at the past two years of struggles and pain, and I can see a thread of blessing running through it all. I am not the same man. She is not the same woman. Our marriage is not the same. Our relationship with our Heavenly Father is not the same… on all accounts, it is better. Speaking personally, the changes I have gone through couldn't have happened if our life was that of comfort and pleasure.

God, I am yours. I trust you. Please write my story.

David

Mystery Diseases or Fakers?

2010-03-04T06:21:00.000-08:00

I have a unique hospitalist job. The "gray team" takes all unassigned stroke and TIA patients. As a result, we also get all of these patients with a strange constellation of neurologic-like symptomatology. Most of which is not explainable. Some have been complex migraines, where the migraine headache actually causes neurologic symptoms. Some of been conversion disorder, wherein the patient undergoes a strong stressor or catastrophic event and the brain, psychologically tries to protect itself, by creating a neurologic deficit… paralysis, blindness, etc. Usually, the patients are not supposed to be alarmed by their symptoms. There is no measurable problem that doctors can detect. They have normal imaging, normal nerve conduction studies, lab tests, etc. What happens is on the subconscious level. They are not intentionally faking it, they believe this is happened to them.

There are other patients who don't seem to follow the definition of conversion disorder. There are no great stressors or triggering events, they do not seem apathetic about their situation. In fact they seem terrified. I had one patient recently, a very nice genuine simple country boy type of a fellow who was a pastor. He said, "I just want to get better" as a tear rolls down his cheek. I believe him. But his symptoms don't add up! His exam fluctuates and does not look "organic" but looks like inconsistent in effort. But I do not think he does this on purpose. I think its on the subconscious level again. He is also newly experiencing debilitating headaches. All of the dangerous causes for these headaches have been ruled out… what causes these?! How do I help him?! When the symptoms he experiences are likely psychogenic, but he won't admit to any stressors but this illness… how can I help? where did this illness come from?

Interestingly, this man claims to have had no headaches or neurologic symptoms until he was giving his testimony in front of a congregation when a severe headache struck him down in the middle of his testimony. Is there still a spiritual warfare wherein the body is attacked physically? If so, how can God make me into a physician who can address these and be his instrument of aid to these people?

What role does God want to use my wife's illness to shape me as a physician?
I believe there is more to health than just the physical body. There is a body-mind connection. I am starting to appreciate and believe a spirit-mind connection, therefore spirit-body connection as well.

I'm trying different approaches to these patients. The "strong-arm" doesn't seem to do them any good… it just gets them out of the hospital a day earlier, that's all. I've used a different approach with my country pastor, and though his symptoms haven't disappeared, they are improving. And he does believe that they will eventually go away and that they aren't dangerous. I helped him understand that western medicine has figured out all of the "dangerous" disease states, thought there are mysteries left, they are usually self limiting or not particularly harming. And I think that's true.

david

Answers of prayer... NOT coincidence!

2010-02-12T17:24:00.000-08:00

So, as most of you know, my sweet wife has been suffering from a chronic and somewhat mysterious illness for more than two years. It can probably be summed up as eosinophilic colitis leading to a tragically robust immunologic response to a C.diff infection with multiple relapses and after a SEVERE case of colitis requiring 2 weeks in the hospital... she is left with the most insane IBS ever. IBS that has incapacitated her for the most part, tremendous pain and nausea. We pray desperately for healing from this. All that medicine has to offer hasn't been great thus far. We still work with all of her docs trying to make improvements. This is truly the hardest thing I've ever been through, and I'm not even the one who has the illness. I can't imagine what it must be like to actually be the one going through it.

Recently, God has started moving! Things are happening, and the instances are too frequent and too "divine" to just be coincidences. I have really felt that God does plan on healing my wife. At times Vanessa can believe it too, but her physical pain makes it hard to believe at times... "If he's going to heal me, why doesn't he just do it? I don't think he's ever going to heal me."

It is so hard to wait! I can't see what good could be accomplished from waiting any longer to heal my wife. I can see good that has come from this trial. My love has been purified for her. My love for God has been purified. I know I am dependent on him for my very breath. My faith is growing. So he calls us to "worry about nothing" and to trust him in everything. But its so hard to hang on and FEEL that. So, every once in awhile he throws us a bone.

I woke up at 2:30am this morning. Fairly awake. I ended up spending time in God's word before going back to sleep. Then today, my partner at work, Justin, told me that God woke him up at 2:30 am and told him to give me Habakkuk 2:3. He didn't remember what Habakkuk 2:3 said, but once he read it... he was in awe... then he told me and I was just "WOW!" tears welling up in my eyes, wow! Justin later said... Okay, I'm never questioning timing again. If its 2am... you're getting a text!

Now mind you that we're praying for healing... Habakkuk 2:3 "At the time I have decided, my words will come true. You can trust what I say about the future. It may take a long time, but keep on waiting--it will happen!"

AMAZING.

david

Drowning for lack of focus.

2010-02-02T20:15:00.000-08:00

Spiritual awakening. A removal of the wall of interfereance between the divine and my heart. That's how I think of it... A veil was lifted. Lifted by obedienced of sin confessed. Sin dragged into the light kicking and screaming... Threatening me even! I was lifted also by feasting on the word of God.

Then, all that seemed to have been gained... just dropped away... in 24 short little hours. What happened?! "what am I doing wrong?! I screamed out as I walked out in the freezing cold night air. God answered my pain. I took my eyes off of Jesus!

My life, in 24 hours, had become all about me. What "I" want. What do "I"; need to do to fix my situation? You know, "since God wasn't doing anything." But all the "me" focus did was cause more pain. I was trying to walk on water, Jesus invited me afterall, but I took my eyes off of him. I instantly plunged into the icy waters of pain.

So what do I need to do? I need to keep myself focused on Jesus. God is worthy of my trust and has never let me down. He knows where we are, and the way out. He knows how to not waste the suffering we go thru. He knows how to work in and thru us to bring glory to himself and comfort the other with his restoring love.

Think of Job. God never explained to Job the purpose of his suffering. Just said "dude, my ways are higher, and I'm God!" what Job now knows from eternity is that his terrible suffering was used by God to
comfort hundreds of thousands if not millions who face fiery trials; including yours truly.

Who knows how God wants to use my current suffering? Is he comforting you? Maybe he is planning on inspiring faith in my future children so they won';t give up on a failing marriage that God wants to heal? I don't know...

What I do know is that my wife has terrible physical pain at times, well... a lot of the time really. We both feel isolated and alone at times. We are uncertain of anything in our future. But God wants me to trust him. Completely. Including fear that my wife will be on this pain medicine forever... Or that we won't be able to have a family... Or ever really be normal.

Trust him. Completely.

David

Get back in line sister! W.W.Y.D.I.I.W.A.N.

2010-01-27T14:56:00.001-08:00

So our Catholic hospital has nuns. They are for the most part a quiet people. Short and small in stature. They must have some discriminatory prerequisitions to exclude the tall women from becoming nuns. The habits too costly, perhaps? Maybe it saves on health insurance? the tall die earlier you know.

Anyways... I ran into one of the sisters at Office Depot near the hospital. She didn't recognize me. Much like Clark Kent, if I don't have my cape (white doctor coat) on, I transform into a regular person and nobody recognizes me for the superhero Dr. Gilbert. (My magical power is healing... and disimpaction.) Second anyways... She wandered into the checkout line in the "upstream current" and cuts in front of the next person behind me. Though she bought nothing, she usurped the reigns of the line! I looked to the lady who should have been next to see what she would do. Would she call out this nun in habit? The answer... No. I think it must be REALLY hard to get mad at a nun.

What would happen if we gave everybody this much grace and understanding??? Shouldn't we be doing that anyways?
W.W.Y.D.I.I.W.A.N. (What would you do if I were a nun?) We should make bracelets.

David

Wake up call.

2010-01-27T14:46:00.000-08:00

I stayed up late the past two nights... past midnight. Yet, I woke before my alarm... approximately 6:30.

God called me to the couch... "Get out of bed, David. Spend a little time with me."
"I'll pray from bed, God..." I replied.
"You'll just fall back to sleep." said He.

I got up and made it to the couch after a little teeth cleaning and face washing. The time I spent was attempt at a quiet prayer... just repeat the name of Jesus when your mind starts to wander into unimportant things. The first morning, I felt God wanted me to remember that his ways are higher. It's okay that I don't understand them, and He doesn't need to explain them. I just need to trust them, and He is worthy of my trust." Though my day had quite violent storms, I remained at peace... in trust.

The second day (today), I didn't really get anything in the quiet prayer time. But I concluded the quiet time by opening the Bible randomly. The pages fell open to Psalm 27. Out of the peace of a freshly wakened state and 15 minutes of silent meditation on the name of Jesus, I felt especially equipped to absorb what I read. This is a new practice for me suggested by a friend. I had no intention of starting my day with it... But God had plans otherwise. Thanks Father.

David

(ps. you should take time to read Psalm 27... especially if combating temptation.)

We are horrors.

2010-01-25T16:50:00.000-08:00

The following is an excerpt from CS Lewis' "The Problem of Pain"

...we actually are, at present, creatures whose character must be, in some respects, a horror to God, as it is, when we really see it, a horror to ourselves. This I believe to be a fact: and I notice that the holier a man is, the more fully he is aware of that fact. Perhaps you have imagined that this humility in the saints is a pious illusion at which God smiles. That is a most dangerous error. It is theoretically dangerous, because it makes you identify a virtue (i.e., a perfection0 with an illusion (i.e., an imperfection), which must be nonsense. It is practically dangerous because it encourages a man to mistake his first insights into his own corruption for the first beginnings of a halo round his own silly head. No, depend upon it; when the saints say that they - even they - are vile, they are recording truth with scientific accuracy.

I love Clive.

David

Why is confession critical?

2010-01-25T16:17:00.000-08:00

Confession of a sin is critical. Why? Well, if you want God to give you his power to be triumphant against sin... don't expect him to do it, unless He gets all of the glory. God is very concerned about being glorified. This would take a very long time to explain why the greatest thing we can do is glorify God, but it is. Just read John Piper if you want the long explanation.

Now, if a sin remains a secret, and there is victory, nobody would know that God is the reason for the victory... because you kept it a secret! If that's the case, why would He aid you in victory? He does want to aid you in the victory! But he wants you to confess the sin first, and give him the credit and glory for the victory once it is won. That way, others will see the victory, know it was due to God's love and seek out his love for their own deliverance from sin. Simple. Profound.

Disclaimer: God gets all the glory for this revelation because it is not wisdom derived from yours truly, but truth given to me from God by way of many people and expressly from His holy word, the Bible.

dngilb md

The Voice of the Holy Spirit

2010-01-25T09:39:00.000-08:00

For years, I have heard of those to whom the Holy Spirit's voice was loud and fairly clear. No, not necessarily an audible voice, but whose promptings were unmistakable. I desired to have that, though it seemed impossible. To me, the voice of the Holy Spirit was the sound of pale voice being spoken though a dense pillow in the middle of an Oklahoma wind storm!

This wasn't the fault of the Spirit. This was a result of my disobedience. I always knew and agreed with the idea that it was important to spend time in God's word, yet I didn't do it. I did pray, but how much got through?

When I Eric Browning invited many people to read through the Bible in the 365 days of 2010, I accepted the challenge. It really wasn't very long before the voice of the Holy Spirit started coming in a little clearer. Some of the text I read was very pertinent to the dark valley in which I found myself, but much of it was not. I do think, however, that a connection between myself and the creator was restored. This was a connection that I had been invited to make and long since dropped.

"Hi, God... I'm back, sorry about that."

David

Defending the Double Shot (on the local level)

2010-01-21T06:20:00.000-08:00

The Double Shot is my beloved coffee shop. It's more than a coffee shop. It's a community. It's also more than just "coffee" its some of the best coffee you can find anywhere. Brian the proprietor isn't interested in becoming rich. He's interested in making the best coffee. Exploring coffee and every facet within that realm. It comes down to science and art. Around Tulsa and probably outside of Tulsa he has a reputation as a "coffee Nazi" taking reference from the infamous Seinfeld TV episode "the Soup Nazi". Many people at the mention of the name "Double Shot" react with a visceral "that guy is rude!" or "the coffee Nazi??!! I won't go there!"

Brian is actually a really fun guy and I've enjoyed getting to know him better. He does have a warm and compassionate heart. He raises money for the children of the Columbian and Costa Rican villages where the small and large coffee plantations are from which he gets some of his beans. Because he feels compassion towards them and loves the people there. So, he is not a hateful person.

One misconception that probably turns people off... his sense of humor and the lack of understanding from witnessed interactions. Most of the "complaints" I've heard from people who "...went there one time" have been stories of Brian being "rude" to someone else. Not a story of Brian being rude to the person telling the story. With a shop full of regulars, we always joke around with one another. Brian does have a crass and sarcastic sense of humor. I could see how a joke between friends could be viewed as an insult if the two friends were thought to be strangers.

The baristas and Brian do encourage regulars to wean off of cream and sugar. They do this because they are passionate about their "art" and it is art. They pour themselves into their coffee. The cream and sugar hide the nuance of flavor. Again, their communication style when observed by a "newbie" may sound rude, but between friends... its friendly banter. I am thankful that Isaiah convinced me several years ago to stop putting a dime sized amount of sugar in my coffee. (I do put cream in crappy coffee to hide its crappiness...) My palate continues to improve at picking out the individual flavors within the different coffees. Now, drinking coffee is more than just hot caffeine... its a hobby and an adventure. Example, I was very excited and privileged to drink a natural dried Columbian that had to be smuggled out of the country. Probably a hundred people have had the privilege to drink this. That is exciting!

Now, as far as many people being scared of going to the Double Shot. I think this lends to some of the good qualities of the shop. Because there are less occasionals... there are more regulars. There is a strong sense of community there. When you are there, everyone is familiar. It feels like the lobby of a college dorm... you can go there at any moment and have friends waiting to just hang out. Completely fabulous!

So Brian, you may be misunderstood. But it adds to the mystery and prestige of the Double Shot. I'm glad you don't bend over backwards to accommodate. Stick to your guns! I love the Double Shot and I love drinking the coffee! I am spoiled.

dngilb md

Walking with Thee

2010-01-17T18:20:00.001-08:00

Even though I have pain. I am experiencing Joy. I am walking in God's will for my life.

I sense something... God is moving. I believe he will heal my wife. The process is under way...

dngilb md.

There is no proof.

2010-01-13T07:37:00.000-08:00

Doubt asks for proof. But when it comes to matters of the Trinity. Proof is experiential. My past weekend I kept finding myself saying, "It's just so real! its Just SO REAL!!" over and over in my head. I have no tangible proof to show you. One could rationalize it all away. But to me, it was completely REAL. I pray you too have such an experience.

dngilb md

Praising God for the pain.

2010-01-11T06:21:00.001-08:00

We were provided with an excellent opportunity to practice our new task of "praising God for the pain" which still sounds a bit crazy. But after we saw it played out, it wasn't crazy. It was quite beautiful.

Vanessa fell alseep on the couch, it was only 8pm. So, I woke her to help her move to the bedroom, because I thought that was the right thing to do. When I did wake her, she was experiencing abdominal pain. How unfortunate that I woke her I thought. I quickly embraced my new task of giving praise to God in the pain and prayed. I thanked God for the pain and for all the wonderful things he has done in my heart and in Vanessa's life that couldn't have been accomplished without the pain. I then prayed that he would help this pain to pass and sleep to come. Her pain decreased a bit. But Vanessa asked, "how am I to give praise when it hurts this bad?" We eventually made it past the worst of the pain and we started to sing to Jesus. Very simple songs... "you are my sunshine" and "Jesus loves me". We ended up going to church online at www.lifechurch.tv and spent even more time talking about God and enjoying each other. The pain never fully left, but we ended up having such a wonderful time... the three of us. That we honestly could say, "God thank you for the pain tonight" because without it, we both would have just fallen asleep and wouldn't have had those beautiful and meaningful moments. And they were truly beautiful moments. They were the moments that make marriage fulfilling and lovely, and make being a Christ-follower simply the most beautiful thing in the world.

Read Acts 16:20 to the end of the chapter.

dngilb md.

A weekend with the Holy Spirit.

2010-01-10T17:11:00.000-08:00

Around one month ago, I walked into a patient's room at the hospital. This time was different than most. This was a divine appointment. I wrote about this a few blogs ago. Anyhow, I sent this gentleman a Christmas card and informed him that I wanted to visit his church. I wanted my wife to meet him. He and his wife sent back a wonderful letter and invited us to spend the night with them and go to church with them in the morning.

Mind you I've only known this gentleman for a total of 20 minutes. My first inclination was to say, "well thank you, but I we will show up at church and maybe we can go to lunch afterwards." But as I thought about it, I felt a nudge. This man had a fire and love for Jesus that I haven't seen in many people. When we talked for 20 minutes I was blessed by meeting him, and he was blessed by meeting me. That is the work of the Holy Spirit. We each heard what we needed to hear as a conviction and gentle correction/affirmation of where we needed to go in life. When our first meeting was so great, why would I say "no" to the potential of another blessed by the Spirit meeting?!! So, though it is unconventional in today's culture, my wife and I said, "yes!" and visited Jim and Carol.

It felt very Biblical. There are numerous accounts in the Bible where travelers would go great distances and be welcomed into the homes of others whom they didn't really know and were treated like guests of honor. Our culture doesn't do that any more. It's a pity, because it was a great experience... and yes! the Holy Spirit showed up again and spoke truth into my life.

So what is this truth? Well, when my wife experiences abdominal pain or severe nausea, my first reaction is a very visceral feeling. A surge of adrenalin followed by some explicatives popping thru my mind. Feelings of anger and hopelessness ensue. If you've followed my blog or know me well... you know that I have had some low moments. There were moments where the pain was so great that I didn't really care if I lived any more. I know that is NOT what God wants. Jim knew how I felt. He had felt that way in the past, but God had delivered him past that and taken him to new heights... places he wouldn't have ever reached had he not first been through the most difficult of times. Jim challenged me to "praise God" when Vanessa has pain! Can I get a "say whaaaat?!!!"

I do acknowledge that the trials of health have brought about good change in me. I love my sweet Vanessa far more and far less selfishly now than before all of this. My priorities are in a much better perspective. I am less materialistic. I acknowledge that I cannot "do it" on my own. That God is truly the only one in control and the only one with any real power. I know that I will be a far more compassionate and effective physician on those most difficult and frustrating cases. I know that worrying doesn't accomplish anything because I am helpless. So when I get all angry or hopeless when Vanessa experiences pain, I'm essentially spitting in God's face, because that pain... IS PART OF HIS PLAN FOR MY LIFE!!! it is part of his process for purifying me, growing me, getting me ready for what lies ahead. God loves me more than my comfort.

Now when you read this, this may sound very "David-centric." This is what the pain is used for in my life. I am not commenting on how God is using the pain in Vanessa's heart and life. If you want to know that, I guess you'd have to ask her. I do know that she has always had a fear that I would abandon her as her mom abandoned her family when she was a young child. I wonder if it is necessary for us to go through something so terrible for our marriage bond to be shown true and give my sweetest wife the security she needs. Because I can tell you this, no matter how bad life ever could be... I will never leave my bride! That is a promise I made to her and to God.

Besides all of that, the weekend was a huge blessing. Jim and Carol are the nicest people you can meet. They've lived so much! They are both 70 but they do not seem old at all. They seem more in love than 90% of couples I see, including newly weds. They can't talk about anything without talking about God's goodness. They've been Christ followers for about 32 years now. Strangely, Jim accepted Christ as his savior the day before I was born. Almost like a sign that God planned on hooking us up even before I was born. God knew we'd be a good pair.

dngilb md

The tallest snow man.

2009-12-28T18:54:00.000-08:00

This great snow we had reminded me of a snow storm of years gone by. The year was 1997 or so... I believe I was a freshman or sophomore in college. A freshly fallen snow had inspired me. "I shall make a snowman! Taller than any snowman that anyone has ever seen!" I wanted to inspired both shock and awe. (not to be confused with Pres. Bush's war strategy)... anyhow, I would succeed. I enlisted the help of a friend and my sister and we got to work. We quickly discovered the snow wasn't so good for snowmanogenesis. Too dry. Garden hose and bucket in hand, we pressed forward. Both muscles and brains flexed, ladders and tools to "erect" the worlds tallest snowman. Once completed, we stood back and admired our handiwork. A job well done. We took pictures, posed and embraced.

Later that night my family and I returned home. Message light blinking. My dad pressed play... a disguised voice comes on the answering machine. A very Hank-Hill-esque voice says, "I just saw the worlds largest penis." Shock and awe just found me. Instantly the visions of the worlds tallest snowman took on a whole new light! I hadn't made a snowman. I had made a snowpenis! A giant 9 foot tall snowpenis! I was horrified and embarrassed... and yet I couldn't stop laughing. I went out into the night... and like grandma in her nightie, I reduced the erection to the ground with a big shove. It shriveled it up under the power of the garden hose. Death to the snowpenis!

I still laugh when I think of it.

dngilb md.