It felt like a divine appointment. I had been questioning God and feeling like he was far away and not doing anything in my life. All the dust had settled regarding infertility. There hasn't been interest in adoption from my wife. Adoption is the only option that warms my heart at the moment. But with that said, I'm not quite to a place of wanting to do it either... And there hasn't been any solid interest in the other possible options out there from she or I. We did try respite fostering. My wife wasn't up to the idea of traditional fostering, and I was pretty enthusiastic about it... so we thought we could sort of "try this on" and see if it is for us. We did it.
The respite fostering gig we did was for our friends. We know the little dude. Everything went according to plan. I changed diapers, we took him for a walk, to the part, to Double Shot Coffee. But it did not take my wife to a place of wanting to do more... or even doing respite again.
I realized that some of my excitement about respite wasn't about the kids and families that need our help. Don't get me wrong, some of it was... but a good portion was hoping that my wife would see her heart is capable of feeling good helping a foster child. Maybe it would open the door to traditional fostering and or adoption and then she wouldn't be sad anymore.
I guess it was a noble intention. But it doesn't work that way, I suppose. I tried to do in her heart what only she and God can work out.
So now what? The only thing I think I may have heard from the Holy Spirit is... "Wait."
So, I wait. I pray some. I think about things. I try to keep my morning routine with God... but it's not the same. It feels like he's not doing anything. I start feeling like I will grow old and die one day and there will be nothing left on Earth to show for my efforts as a human being on this planet. I feel lost. The "quality time with God" in the morning gets less and less "quality."
"What? What God? What am I suppose to do?!!!"
God answered with a divine appointment.
I don't talk to people on planes. I try to put my ear buds in and keep to myself. But this guy on our flight out of Tulsa on our way to Kauai was just friendly. And asked more questions of me than most people do. Most people want to talk about themselves. He just wanted to ask me questions about me, our trip, our marriage, our church. Then, I asked him questions about him. In the end, he was a nice guy who seems to know no strangers and is unafraid to talk about God. The main message God delivered to me was this:
1. Don't make this too complicated.
2. God loves me. Period!
3. You can trust God. He chose you and loves you. So stop worrying.
True, these are concepts I know. But when God delivers them to you, it's because you knew them with your head, but were not living as if they were true.
"Thank you Father God."